Thursday, October 21, 2010
did I mention???
...Dorothy is going to let me have a dog! The dog sorta needs to audition first, to see if it will get along with the other people in the house. I was looking online at dogs at the SPCA today. There is a chow/keeshond mix I'd love to have but I need to wait till I come back from Mexico before I bring a dog home. Baby will probably be gone by then.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
an interesting phenomenom has occured
Yesterday I wrote a letter to Wayne and mailed it. The letter apologized for my bad behavior while we were seeing each other and for not respecting him enough and being too controlling when we were together. It also apologized for not sharing things with him that I think he had a right to know. I told him what steps I am taking to correct my behavior and asked him if we could be friends again. Because that's what I miss most of all is his friendship. I do have a history of being friends with ex-boyfriends so I didn't think I was too out of line. Anyway, I mailed the letter to his PO Box so if I get a response it may take a month or more. He once told me he only checks his box about once a month. I did tell him in the letter I would be happy with one 15 minute phone call per week. Well, maybe not happy but satisfied. And I meant every word, still do. Then I went home last night and sobbed my heart out.
I got up this morning and put on a dress. It is a short dress, with a V-neck that shows my cleavage, one I was planning on wearing for Wayne the next time I saw him, he used to like looking at my cleavage. It's not too short to wear to work as it hits a couple of inches above my knees, but I do have to watch how I sit when I'm wearing it. Anyway, all that aside, I also put on a little make up and styled my freshly cut hair. I put on a pair of cute little sandals and ran out to my car since I was running late to work. But I didn't run so fast that I missed noticing I attracted a little male attention.
I got to work and, as usual for the last couple of weeks, was struggling with the grief and sadness. One reason for putting on make up was so that I would not succumb to tears today. That was early this morning. A little later today I noticed a little more male attention around the office. And even more as I wandered the aisles at Safeway for lunch. And as I got back to the office after lunch I noticed that, for right now at least, I was not overwhelmingly sad anymore. I have no desire to cry. Now, that may change again in the next 10 minutes but for right now that's a good thing. I believe it means I'm beginning to fall a little bit out of love with him. That doesn't mean I don't still love him, because I do. It means I am not in love with him, or at least on the way to not being in love with him. I am not infatuated with him, I am not obsessed with him, I simply love him. I believe this is a good thing.
What happens if he gets my letter and decides he wants to try and be friends? That's a good thing, I still miss him and would like to be friends with him. Does that preclude any romantic relationship in the future? Eh, maybe, maybe not. I am still very much sexually attracted to him (why I cannot fathom) and would still very much like to explore that (maybe because he's undiscovered territory). No, I don't want sex with him, I want to make love with him. Personally, I think relationships are best when built on a firm foundation of friendship, but then again, I've never had a romantic relationship last longer than 4 years. Meanwhile, if I attract the attention of another man I wouldn't turn down a date. I'm just not sure I want another romantic relationship right now, if ever.
I got up this morning and put on a dress. It is a short dress, with a V-neck that shows my cleavage, one I was planning on wearing for Wayne the next time I saw him, he used to like looking at my cleavage. It's not too short to wear to work as it hits a couple of inches above my knees, but I do have to watch how I sit when I'm wearing it. Anyway, all that aside, I also put on a little make up and styled my freshly cut hair. I put on a pair of cute little sandals and ran out to my car since I was running late to work. But I didn't run so fast that I missed noticing I attracted a little male attention.
I got to work and, as usual for the last couple of weeks, was struggling with the grief and sadness. One reason for putting on make up was so that I would not succumb to tears today. That was early this morning. A little later today I noticed a little more male attention around the office. And even more as I wandered the aisles at Safeway for lunch. And as I got back to the office after lunch I noticed that, for right now at least, I was not overwhelmingly sad anymore. I have no desire to cry. Now, that may change again in the next 10 minutes but for right now that's a good thing. I believe it means I'm beginning to fall a little bit out of love with him. That doesn't mean I don't still love him, because I do. It means I am not in love with him, or at least on the way to not being in love with him. I am not infatuated with him, I am not obsessed with him, I simply love him. I believe this is a good thing.
What happens if he gets my letter and decides he wants to try and be friends? That's a good thing, I still miss him and would like to be friends with him. Does that preclude any romantic relationship in the future? Eh, maybe, maybe not. I am still very much sexually attracted to him (why I cannot fathom) and would still very much like to explore that (maybe because he's undiscovered territory). No, I don't want sex with him, I want to make love with him. Personally, I think relationships are best when built on a firm foundation of friendship, but then again, I've never had a romantic relationship last longer than 4 years. Meanwhile, if I attract the attention of another man I wouldn't turn down a date. I'm just not sure I want another romantic relationship right now, if ever.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Healing
I've spent most of the last three days blogging on a seperate blog about my past. I wanted to examine my "family of origin" and determine why I make such bad choices in my life. I wrote about my childhood all the way through my latest relationship with Wayne. One thing I learned from what I wrote and from what I left out is that my family is very toxic to me, extremely toxic! I grew up being verbally and emotionally abused. I was beaten and ridiculed. Even today my mother and my children treat me with disrespect and they put me down at every opportunity they can. I am not sure my mother realizes she treats me that way but I know my children do. My mother treats me the way she was treated as she was growing up. I don't think I treated my children that way but I do think they learned to treat me the way they saw others treat me. Moving out of my son's apartment will be the best thing I have ever done for myself. I need to learn to value myself before I kill myself.
In addition, almost every relationship that I have ever had in my life has been toxic. So much so that I do not know how to behave when I get into a healthy relationship. I guess I am to remain single for the rest of my life, I don't do healthy relationships and I don't want another toxic one.
In addition, almost every relationship that I have ever had in my life has been toxic. So much so that I do not know how to behave when I get into a healthy relationship. I guess I am to remain single for the rest of my life, I don't do healthy relationships and I don't want another toxic one.
Whew!
My life broken down into 6 long posts. I am finally seeing some patterns and some causes for my behavior and way of thinking. Hopefully I can use this as a tool to ensure any future relationships are better and stronger. I can use this as a tool for my personal growth.
I have some peace within me now. My soul is not so frantic anymore. Maybe I can sleep.
The perimenopause herbs are helping with that, too.
I have some peace within me now. My soul is not so frantic anymore. Maybe I can sleep.
The perimenopause herbs are helping with that, too.
Monday, October 18, 2010
another blog
I have started another blog, this one is extremely private. I am doing some family of origin work. I am writing frankly and in great detail about my past. It is quite painful, even worse than ripping a band aid off a sore. Hopefully it will be of benefit to me.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
confusion
It fascinates me how I can be so sad and broken-hearted over the loss of a relationship and yet so full of the joy of the Lord at the same time.
As I greeted friends and fellow worshippers at church last night I was serving the Lord. I know He wants my life to be joyous and I can feel His joy inside me. As I sang and worshipped and lifted my hands to Him I could feel His peace and joy bubbling up inside of me, alongside of the pain and loneliness that has taken deep root inside my heart.
As I drove home from Stockton the past 2 days I was so exhausted I almost fell asleep behind the wheel (multiple times). I thought that if I crashed and died I would be going home to Jesus and there would be no more pain. But a crash would not be a guarantee of death and Jesus obviously isn't finished with me yet. My Lakeside friends are the only ones who act as if they love me and care for me and I was willing to give them all up for a man. I must be crazy and/or pathetic or very deeply in love. I give up, Lord, this is all too much for me.
As I greeted friends and fellow worshippers at church last night I was serving the Lord. I know He wants my life to be joyous and I can feel His joy inside me. As I sang and worshipped and lifted my hands to Him I could feel His peace and joy bubbling up inside of me, alongside of the pain and loneliness that has taken deep root inside my heart.
As I drove home from Stockton the past 2 days I was so exhausted I almost fell asleep behind the wheel (multiple times). I thought that if I crashed and died I would be going home to Jesus and there would be no more pain. But a crash would not be a guarantee of death and Jesus obviously isn't finished with me yet. My Lakeside friends are the only ones who act as if they love me and care for me and I was willing to give them all up for a man. I must be crazy and/or pathetic or very deeply in love. I give up, Lord, this is all too much for me.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
healer by hillsong
You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
Pre-Chorus:
I trust in You
I trust in You
Chorus:
I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need
[Repeat Verse]
[Repeat Pre-Chorus}
[Chorus]
Bridge:
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands
[Repeat]
[Chorus]
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
Pre-Chorus:
I trust in You
I trust in You
Chorus:
I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need
[Repeat Verse]
[Repeat Pre-Chorus}
[Chorus]
Bridge:
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands
[Repeat]
[Chorus]
Pacific International Quilt Festival
I don't know why I used my day off work to go spend time with my mother. Well, actually, I do. She's 75 years old, not getting any younger and certainly not getting any healthier. She has diabetes, high blood pressure and a whole host of other health problems. I love my mother and want to spend time with her because she hasn't got a whole lot of time left. So when I had the day off and she asked me to go to this festival with her I went.
She says she asked me to go with her because I am another woman and enjoy quilts. She said it's hard doing things like that with Jeffrey because he doesn't appreciate them the same way another stitcher would. Okay, that made sense. But once we got there the two of them kept walking away from me and leaving me all alone in this huge hall crowded with strangers. I don't do well with crowds and I don't do well with strangers and they both know it. Don't get me wrong, the entire day wasn't miserable, just a large portion of it.
The quilts were beautiful, I'm going to try and attach pictures here. There were thousands of quilts, some were absolute masterpieces of work, some were really, really ugly. That was the best part of the day. Then we walked through part of the vendor section, the part with everyone in their stalls selling stuff. Mom kept stopping and saying, "If I had the money I'd buy that for _______." Fill in the blank with everyone else's name but mine, her sisters, my sister, her nieces and nephews, her grandchildren, her friends. Everyone but me. My mom is awesome. She needlepoints, she sews, she machine embroiders, she quilts. She has made things and given them to everyone she knows. Everyone except me. She's made Christmas stockings, monogrammed bath towels, embroidered placemats and kitchen towels, decorated jackets, made quilts, gorgeous wall hangings, you name it. In all these years she has given me one embroidered dish towel that she was really going to throw away because it was flawed.
I really have no room to complain. She and Jeff took me in and cared for me, fed me, drove me to doctor's appointments, the whole works while I was recovering from my broken wrist. We packed a lunch to take with us yesterday because she knew I wouldn't have the money to eat out and when lunchtime came and she didn't want to walk back to the car she bought me a salad. We ate the sandwiches for dinner as we drove home. The point is when my mother dies everyone will have all these beautiful keepsakes and I will have a flawed tea towel. Okay, I will have memories, lots and lots of memories. Let's hope I don't get Alzheimer's.
Yesterday was a toss up. The quilts were fabulous. We shared some laughs (the scene in the bathroom was priceless but in the end everyone in there was laughing at me, not her. I was so humiliated.) She abandoned me only to find me again and humiliate me, put me down, criticize me and otherwise make me feel small and unloved. Why did I go with her? She's 75 years old, not getting any younger and certainly not getting any healthier. She doesn't have much time left and I love her. I have a pattern of loving those who don't love me.
I'm driving back to Stockton today to spend more time with her.
She says she asked me to go with her because I am another woman and enjoy quilts. She said it's hard doing things like that with Jeffrey because he doesn't appreciate them the same way another stitcher would. Okay, that made sense. But once we got there the two of them kept walking away from me and leaving me all alone in this huge hall crowded with strangers. I don't do well with crowds and I don't do well with strangers and they both know it. Don't get me wrong, the entire day wasn't miserable, just a large portion of it.
The quilts were beautiful, I'm going to try and attach pictures here. There were thousands of quilts, some were absolute masterpieces of work, some were really, really ugly. That was the best part of the day. Then we walked through part of the vendor section, the part with everyone in their stalls selling stuff. Mom kept stopping and saying, "If I had the money I'd buy that for _______." Fill in the blank with everyone else's name but mine, her sisters, my sister, her nieces and nephews, her grandchildren, her friends. Everyone but me. My mom is awesome. She needlepoints, she sews, she machine embroiders, she quilts. She has made things and given them to everyone she knows. Everyone except me. She's made Christmas stockings, monogrammed bath towels, embroidered placemats and kitchen towels, decorated jackets, made quilts, gorgeous wall hangings, you name it. In all these years she has given me one embroidered dish towel that she was really going to throw away because it was flawed.
I really have no room to complain. She and Jeff took me in and cared for me, fed me, drove me to doctor's appointments, the whole works while I was recovering from my broken wrist. We packed a lunch to take with us yesterday because she knew I wouldn't have the money to eat out and when lunchtime came and she didn't want to walk back to the car she bought me a salad. We ate the sandwiches for dinner as we drove home. The point is when my mother dies everyone will have all these beautiful keepsakes and I will have a flawed tea towel. Okay, I will have memories, lots and lots of memories. Let's hope I don't get Alzheimer's.
Yesterday was a toss up. The quilts were fabulous. We shared some laughs (the scene in the bathroom was priceless but in the end everyone in there was laughing at me, not her. I was so humiliated.) She abandoned me only to find me again and humiliate me, put me down, criticize me and otherwise make me feel small and unloved. Why did I go with her? She's 75 years old, not getting any younger and certainly not getting any healthier. She doesn't have much time left and I love her. I have a pattern of loving those who don't love me.
I'm driving back to Stockton today to spend more time with her.
Friday, October 15, 2010
herbal remedies
You wanna hear something? Promise not to laugh? Seriously, I'm really sensitive and hate it when people laugh at me, laughing with me is okay but don't laugh at me, okay?
Okay, here goes...
I've been exceptionally emotional lately...
You promised not to laugh...
Are you still laughing? This is starting to get old...
Okay, here's the deal. I am perimenopausal (pre-menopausal). Hey! I'm a 52 year old woman, that's not unexpected. I've been having some hot flashes off and on over the past several months. I had some last spring and then they went away and about a month ago they started up again. What I didn't realize, silly me, is how severely my emotions would be effected at the same time. Looking back I can see how they have been effected for several months now. It's just that at the time I believed I was having difficulties adjusting to my broken wrist and my recovery process, the stress at home, the stress at work, you name it. In retrospect, I can see the mood swings began before then. I'm usually a pretty laid-back person, not given to a whole lot of extreme emotion except in times of great stress. I was different in the past but I have been working on not being a hot-tempered bitch and I felt I had that under control. But there have been several major stressors in my life recently and I have not reacted well to any of them. In the past I have taken the termination of a relationship hard but not quite as hard as I am taking this one. I think that's for 2 reasons, 1) I didn't have the same emotional investment in those previous relationships and 2) I wasn't peri-menopause at those times.
I have not slept more than 2 or 3 hours a night for the last 2 weeks. A great deal of that is attributable to the breakup but I've been doing some reading on perimenopause and boy did I have a lot to learn. Hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, irritability, anxiety, craving sweets and/or carbs, heart palpitations, fuzzy thinking, headaches and insomnia are only some of the perimenopause symptoms I have been experiencing. That explains a lot. It explains why my behavior was running away with me, it explains why I haven't been sleeping, it explains why I have been crying for hours and hours. Once I figured that out I needed to find out what to do about it.
I started an herbal remedy a couple of days ago. It's not hormone replacement therapy and it's all natural (I despise taking medications.) Anyways, I am already seeing relief of some of my symptoms. I am not having as many hot flashes and my mood is much more mellow, the irritability and mood swings are disappearing. And I slept well last night. And since it's 11:30 now and I need to be up by 8 tomorrow morning I think I'm going to sign off for now and see if I can sleep. I have a lot more I want to write about, a lot of stuff happened today, some good, some bad, some I want to write down so I can think about it.
Okay, here goes...
I've been exceptionally emotional lately...
You promised not to laugh...
Are you still laughing? This is starting to get old...
Okay, here's the deal. I am perimenopausal (pre-menopausal). Hey! I'm a 52 year old woman, that's not unexpected. I've been having some hot flashes off and on over the past several months. I had some last spring and then they went away and about a month ago they started up again. What I didn't realize, silly me, is how severely my emotions would be effected at the same time. Looking back I can see how they have been effected for several months now. It's just that at the time I believed I was having difficulties adjusting to my broken wrist and my recovery process, the stress at home, the stress at work, you name it. In retrospect, I can see the mood swings began before then. I'm usually a pretty laid-back person, not given to a whole lot of extreme emotion except in times of great stress. I was different in the past but I have been working on not being a hot-tempered bitch and I felt I had that under control. But there have been several major stressors in my life recently and I have not reacted well to any of them. In the past I have taken the termination of a relationship hard but not quite as hard as I am taking this one. I think that's for 2 reasons, 1) I didn't have the same emotional investment in those previous relationships and 2) I wasn't peri-menopause at those times.
I have not slept more than 2 or 3 hours a night for the last 2 weeks. A great deal of that is attributable to the breakup but I've been doing some reading on perimenopause and boy did I have a lot to learn. Hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, irritability, anxiety, craving sweets and/or carbs, heart palpitations, fuzzy thinking, headaches and insomnia are only some of the perimenopause symptoms I have been experiencing. That explains a lot. It explains why my behavior was running away with me, it explains why I haven't been sleeping, it explains why I have been crying for hours and hours. Once I figured that out I needed to find out what to do about it.
I started an herbal remedy a couple of days ago. It's not hormone replacement therapy and it's all natural (I despise taking medications.) Anyways, I am already seeing relief of some of my symptoms. I am not having as many hot flashes and my mood is much more mellow, the irritability and mood swings are disappearing. And I slept well last night. And since it's 11:30 now and I need to be up by 8 tomorrow morning I think I'm going to sign off for now and see if I can sleep. I have a lot more I want to write about, a lot of stuff happened today, some good, some bad, some I want to write down so I can think about it.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Proverbs 16:9
I am so excited. At lunchtime today (in a few minutes) I go to the bank and get my deposit money for my new place. I've been projecting my income and expenses for the next few paychecks and I am tight but manageable. Phew!
As for Proverbs up there. After my visions last night I've been considering how it will all work out considering recent events. But then I get this Bible verse this morning: "The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps." --Proverbs 16:9. Okay, I'll stop worrying on it. God will make it happen, if He wants it to happen it will and no one can stop it.
So, I've mused about leaving Lakeside. Originally I thought it was because of the relationship I was involved in but now I know that there is a disconnect between my heart and Lakeside so I will be leaving anyway. Today I've been considering whether I am supposed to be continuing working at my job. For some reason I am emotionally disconnecting from here as well. Now the disconnect at work could be because I am full of rage and depression over the break-up of my relationship. I am going to try to work through and process that so that I don't make any hasty decisions. And I will pray that I don't punch out my supervisor while I'm sorting. LOL, just kidding, I'm not violent. Financially speaking it might or might not be a blessing to leave here. I have made 50% more than I am making now but that was in San Francisco. Also, annual raises are due November 1st. I haven't had one yet and I've been here for 2 years. I'm wondering what kind of raise they're planning on giving me, if they're giving me one. Maybe that will be the confirmation whether or not I'm supposed to leave.
Meanwhile, I am just going on with my life. I am moving just as I've been planning since Rob and I had that huge fight last spring. I am making adjustments and changes to be ready for whenever the Lord calls me to do whatever it is He wants me to do. (See paragraph above, I think its all related.) I have already had a couple of leads on good churches in the Auburn and Rocklin areas. And with a painter for a landlord I just may sink deeper into my painting. Living out on 5 acres will give me the peace I need to paint and it will also give me fresh air. Okay, there I was thinking about my current neighbors and how much they smoke. It drifts through my bedroom window all day and night so that I either have to keep my window closed (claustrophobic) or use air freshener every day.
Thank You, Lord, for my life. It's not exactly turning out how I envisioned it would but I know it's turning out according to Your plans. That is sufficient for me.
As for Proverbs up there. After my visions last night I've been considering how it will all work out considering recent events. But then I get this Bible verse this morning: "The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps." --Proverbs 16:9. Okay, I'll stop worrying on it. God will make it happen, if He wants it to happen it will and no one can stop it.
So, I've mused about leaving Lakeside. Originally I thought it was because of the relationship I was involved in but now I know that there is a disconnect between my heart and Lakeside so I will be leaving anyway. Today I've been considering whether I am supposed to be continuing working at my job. For some reason I am emotionally disconnecting from here as well. Now the disconnect at work could be because I am full of rage and depression over the break-up of my relationship. I am going to try to work through and process that so that I don't make any hasty decisions. And I will pray that I don't punch out my supervisor while I'm sorting. LOL, just kidding, I'm not violent. Financially speaking it might or might not be a blessing to leave here. I have made 50% more than I am making now but that was in San Francisco. Also, annual raises are due November 1st. I haven't had one yet and I've been here for 2 years. I'm wondering what kind of raise they're planning on giving me, if they're giving me one. Maybe that will be the confirmation whether or not I'm supposed to leave.
Meanwhile, I am just going on with my life. I am moving just as I've been planning since Rob and I had that huge fight last spring. I am making adjustments and changes to be ready for whenever the Lord calls me to do whatever it is He wants me to do. (See paragraph above, I think its all related.) I have already had a couple of leads on good churches in the Auburn and Rocklin areas. And with a painter for a landlord I just may sink deeper into my painting. Living out on 5 acres will give me the peace I need to paint and it will also give me fresh air. Okay, there I was thinking about my current neighbors and how much they smoke. It drifts through my bedroom window all day and night so that I either have to keep my window closed (claustrophobic) or use air freshener every day.
Thank You, Lord, for my life. It's not exactly turning out how I envisioned it would but I know it's turning out according to Your plans. That is sufficient for me.
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