Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Kody
I've been working diligently the last 4 weeks to bring Kody home to live with me. First he had to get well and then we had to be sure he would be a good fit with the other residents of the house. I finally got the phone call yesterday that Kody was well and could come home yesterday afternoon. Everyone in the house loves him! He is settling in well. Praise the Lord! Thank you, Lord! I pray this is a blessing for everyone involved.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
10 Gallons
I have a standing appointment every other Saturday morning to donate platelets at the local blood bank. I have been questioned several times about why I do this, let's just say it's something I believe in and something I will do as often as I can until I'm told I can't any longer. Anyways, I was looking down at the little slip of paper they gave me (I get one like it on every visit) that has all the little details they feel is important for me to have each visit. This paper has phone numbers in case I get sick, my blood pressure, my blood type, all sorts of tidbits. It also has the number of times I've donated. When I commented on the number to the nurse she looked at it and said, "Yeah, your next visit will be your 10 gallon donation."
10 gallons? I don't know about you but if I line 10 one gallon jugs of milk up in a line I think that's a lot of milk. It was easy enough to do, I just sit in a chair for 90 minutes to 2 hours while I watch a movie. They hook me up to a machine that does all the work. I can see just about any movie I want and I don't have to pay $10.50 to see it. Then they feed me. What a deal!
It saves lives everyday. I have a friend whose life was saved by a platelet donation. It's so easy to do I don't understand why more people don't do it (aside from medical restrictions and fear of needles).
I know why I do it, that's the important part for me.
10 gallons? I don't know about you but if I line 10 one gallon jugs of milk up in a line I think that's a lot of milk. It was easy enough to do, I just sit in a chair for 90 minutes to 2 hours while I watch a movie. They hook me up to a machine that does all the work. I can see just about any movie I want and I don't have to pay $10.50 to see it. Then they feed me. What a deal!
It saves lives everyday. I have a friend whose life was saved by a platelet donation. It's so easy to do I don't understand why more people don't do it (aside from medical restrictions and fear of needles).
I know why I do it, that's the important part for me.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving Day
Well, here in the US today is Thanksgiving Day. For many people, maybe even most people, it is a day to celebrate gluttony, a day to overeat and over indulge. I cannot say that I haven't done the same in the past. However, the last 2 years I have done things differently. Actually, I started doing things differently several years ago.
I have not always had the easiest of lives and have spent many years struggling, physically and emotionally to be sure but I have had the greatest struggles financially. Being a single mother with three children to raise was not an easy task and to have my ex-husband decide that I didn't deserve child support only served to make matters worse. It didn't matter that the child support was really for his children and it didn't matter that the courts said he had to pay me the support, he decided he wasn't going to pay me and so he didn't. I know there are laws on the books to "force" deadbeat dads to pay support but there are ways around those laws if you look hard enough. My ex found a woman gullible enough to support him enabling him to avoid holding down a job. I understand he sells stuff on eBay but I guess the courts haven't figured out a way to attach that income yet.
Many years ago I decided my peace of mind was more important than fighting with him about the money so I turned it all over to the District Attorney and am grateful every month when they manage to collect $50 from my ex's girlfriend. The support order was for $450 per month per child. My children are long past 18 now so all he owes me is arrears and interest, last time I checked (several years ago) that amount was in excess of $120K. I'll never see it.
But this post is not about past due child support. The past due support just lays the background for my first hand knowledge of less than ideal circumstances in life. I will never complain about having to do without. This may sound strange but I thank God for the first few years after my divorce, the lean years of my life. Those years taught me about gratitude and how important it is. My children and I never did without. God used my family and friends and sometimes even government agencies to ensure we always had a roof over our heads, food on our table and clothes on our backs. They even went as far as ensuring there were gifts under the tree at Christmas time. There were many occasions I was unable to provide for my children but I didn't have to. I just needed to rest in the embrace of my loving father in Heaven. I fully acknowledge how undeserving I was and still am of those blessings bestowed upon my children and me in those years. I am so grateful the Lord provided for us. I also acknowledge that there are many, many people in this world who are not as blessed.
After a few years of regular employment and a steady income I began to pull myself out of debt and was able to provide for my children and myself. I sometimes wonder if I was too prideful on occasion telling the agencies to please bless other families more needy than ours. It just made more sense to me when I could finally take care of my family on my own. It's not that I didn't want the help, I just knew that there were other families more needy than ours.
One Thanksgiving not long after that I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. It was about a week before the holiday and no one had invited us to share the meal with them yet. My apartment (and budget) was much too small for more than one or two guests so I felt unable to invite anyone to share with us. I trudged to the grocery store and purchased a small turkey and all the fixings for our dinner. I must confess, I was a little resentful of my family and the fellowship I felt we were deliberately being left out of. (Long story, a whole 'nother post entirely.) I was working at that time, a job where I routinely put in 10 to 12 hours a day, which didn't leave me a lot of time for cooking. Late Tuesday evening I finally got a call from my mother, inviting us to spend Thanksgiving with her and my step-father. Of course I accepted.
Now realistically I could have put the turkey and all the fixings into my freezer and/or cupboards and saved them for a future date with my oven. Considering my finances I probably should have, but I knew that the last minute phone call was a blessing from God, the invitation really came from Him. Therefore, I needed to react to it in the manner to which He called me. That meant that the kids and I packed up all that food and drove it to Samaritan House, the nearest ministry accepting donations for feeding the poor and homeless. A new Thanksgiving tradition was started for my children and me. Beginning that year, every time my children and I had the opportunity, we purchased 2 dinners for the holiday, one for ourselves and one to give away. Or, on the few occasions we were invited to share the holiday meal with someone, we purchased just the one to give away.
I've since stopped sharing holiday meals with my family and my children have grown and are now celebrating on their own. They are at a time in their lives where they believe they know more and are smarter than their mother. They believe I am overly religious and bigoted to boot. My children are good people, they are just misguided. This means I now celebrate the holidays on my own. Being alone is not a good thing for me. I am a very social person and can only tolerate limited quantities of alone time. This holiday is especially tough after the recent breakup of my romantic relationship.
A few years ago our church forged a partnership with a ministry in San Francisco's Tenderloin district. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with San Francisco, this is an extremely poor section of town, populated by people who are usually invisible in our society, the poor and the homeless. Many of the Tenderloin's residents are there because of poor choices in their lives: addictions, alcoholism, prostitution, whatever the choice may be. Many of the residents are there because of financial constraints or maybe they are immigrants who cannot afford better housing or don't speak enough language to acquire better accommodations. No matter why they are there it is an often overlooked part of town.
Last year I joined the team from my church who drove down to San Francisco to deliver warm meals and groceries to the residents of the Tenderloin. This year I joined the team again. I do it out of obedience. Jesus calls me to do it out of love for His brothers and sisters in Him. I wrote more in detail about this event last year. I am exhausted so I will not repeat the story this year. However, there were a few things that happened that made this year unique from last year. I may write about those tomorrow.
I have not always had the easiest of lives and have spent many years struggling, physically and emotionally to be sure but I have had the greatest struggles financially. Being a single mother with three children to raise was not an easy task and to have my ex-husband decide that I didn't deserve child support only served to make matters worse. It didn't matter that the child support was really for his children and it didn't matter that the courts said he had to pay me the support, he decided he wasn't going to pay me and so he didn't. I know there are laws on the books to "force" deadbeat dads to pay support but there are ways around those laws if you look hard enough. My ex found a woman gullible enough to support him enabling him to avoid holding down a job. I understand he sells stuff on eBay but I guess the courts haven't figured out a way to attach that income yet.
Many years ago I decided my peace of mind was more important than fighting with him about the money so I turned it all over to the District Attorney and am grateful every month when they manage to collect $50 from my ex's girlfriend. The support order was for $450 per month per child. My children are long past 18 now so all he owes me is arrears and interest, last time I checked (several years ago) that amount was in excess of $120K. I'll never see it.
But this post is not about past due child support. The past due support just lays the background for my first hand knowledge of less than ideal circumstances in life. I will never complain about having to do without. This may sound strange but I thank God for the first few years after my divorce, the lean years of my life. Those years taught me about gratitude and how important it is. My children and I never did without. God used my family and friends and sometimes even government agencies to ensure we always had a roof over our heads, food on our table and clothes on our backs. They even went as far as ensuring there were gifts under the tree at Christmas time. There were many occasions I was unable to provide for my children but I didn't have to. I just needed to rest in the embrace of my loving father in Heaven. I fully acknowledge how undeserving I was and still am of those blessings bestowed upon my children and me in those years. I am so grateful the Lord provided for us. I also acknowledge that there are many, many people in this world who are not as blessed.
After a few years of regular employment and a steady income I began to pull myself out of debt and was able to provide for my children and myself. I sometimes wonder if I was too prideful on occasion telling the agencies to please bless other families more needy than ours. It just made more sense to me when I could finally take care of my family on my own. It's not that I didn't want the help, I just knew that there were other families more needy than ours.
One Thanksgiving not long after that I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. It was about a week before the holiday and no one had invited us to share the meal with them yet. My apartment (and budget) was much too small for more than one or two guests so I felt unable to invite anyone to share with us. I trudged to the grocery store and purchased a small turkey and all the fixings for our dinner. I must confess, I was a little resentful of my family and the fellowship I felt we were deliberately being left out of. (Long story, a whole 'nother post entirely.) I was working at that time, a job where I routinely put in 10 to 12 hours a day, which didn't leave me a lot of time for cooking. Late Tuesday evening I finally got a call from my mother, inviting us to spend Thanksgiving with her and my step-father. Of course I accepted.
Now realistically I could have put the turkey and all the fixings into my freezer and/or cupboards and saved them for a future date with my oven. Considering my finances I probably should have, but I knew that the last minute phone call was a blessing from God, the invitation really came from Him. Therefore, I needed to react to it in the manner to which He called me. That meant that the kids and I packed up all that food and drove it to Samaritan House, the nearest ministry accepting donations for feeding the poor and homeless. A new Thanksgiving tradition was started for my children and me. Beginning that year, every time my children and I had the opportunity, we purchased 2 dinners for the holiday, one for ourselves and one to give away. Or, on the few occasions we were invited to share the holiday meal with someone, we purchased just the one to give away.
I've since stopped sharing holiday meals with my family and my children have grown and are now celebrating on their own. They are at a time in their lives where they believe they know more and are smarter than their mother. They believe I am overly religious and bigoted to boot. My children are good people, they are just misguided. This means I now celebrate the holidays on my own. Being alone is not a good thing for me. I am a very social person and can only tolerate limited quantities of alone time. This holiday is especially tough after the recent breakup of my romantic relationship.
A few years ago our church forged a partnership with a ministry in San Francisco's Tenderloin district. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with San Francisco, this is an extremely poor section of town, populated by people who are usually invisible in our society, the poor and the homeless. Many of the Tenderloin's residents are there because of poor choices in their lives: addictions, alcoholism, prostitution, whatever the choice may be. Many of the residents are there because of financial constraints or maybe they are immigrants who cannot afford better housing or don't speak enough language to acquire better accommodations. No matter why they are there it is an often overlooked part of town.
Last year I joined the team from my church who drove down to San Francisco to deliver warm meals and groceries to the residents of the Tenderloin. This year I joined the team again. I do it out of obedience. Jesus calls me to do it out of love for His brothers and sisters in Him. I wrote more in detail about this event last year. I am exhausted so I will not repeat the story this year. However, there were a few things that happened that made this year unique from last year. I may write about those tomorrow.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
What A Week! - Part 4
If you read my posts about my trip to Mexico it sounds like it was a very secular trip. I made very little mention of the spiritual side of the trip other than morning devotions and Eddie and Brandon's messages in the morning. And I know I even made Brandon's sound like a commercial interruption. That really isn't the case. Right after breakfast on Friday and Saturday mornings we all filed into the big meeting room upstairs and had a time of worship. Eddie gives us a hard time about paying attention to the lyrics we are singing but he does join in with us. Ever since he started doing that I have been paying attention. If you sing, "break my heart for what breaks yours" to Jesus you better mean it. In my opinion, worship is prayer set to music. It is a conversation with God and you shouldn't sing something you don't mean.
Our days in Mexico are filled with prayer. We pray as we get to the site, we pray once we meet the families and are ready to build, we pray before our lunch and we pray with the families as we close our time with them. Some of these prayers are quite touching. I remember one build where we were all sobbing before the end. Sometimes the families pray with us, sometimes they pray for us. It is always a very special time.
Eddie's main purpose for Mexico Caravan Ministries is, surprisingly enough, not home building. He says, and I know he's right, that these homes will get built with or without MCM. Eddie runs MCM to introduce people to missions and to get them passionate about missions. The student interns that serve at MCM usually end up going into long term overseas missions. Quite often when we are down there we hear of a staff member's plans and choose to support them in their plans. There is a ministry that Eddie works with a lot and several staff members have gone there. This ministry is called New Tribes and they have a school back east somewhere. That is the ministry the Buser family all trained for missions with and who now supports the Busers in Papua New Guinea (administrative support). I know of at least one former staff member who is going to school at their college and a couple more who are applying.
One of the staff, a young man who looks as if he would be more interested in surfing than missionary work is planning to study endangered animals in his target country. This is a closed country and the only way to be a missionary there is to be invited because you have a skill set needed by that country. This particular country has several endangered species of animals. Here is a young kid, barely in his 20's, who is willing to risk his life preaching the Good News in a Muslim country. His passion for Christ overwhelms me. His strength and trust in Jesus is amazing. I am shamed by my lack of motivation when I was his age. I knew I wanted to be a missionary, I just listened to people who told me that a single woman could not be a missionary. Shoulda, woulda, coulda, no use crying over the past, it's the future I need to work on...
I returned from Mexico exhausted, physically and emotionally. I usually call my trips to Mexico my "attitude adjustment trips" because I return refreshed, renewed and recommitted to doing the Lord's work. I was feeling as if this trip, due to circumstances before the trip, did not refresh, renew or recommit me. I have been feeling like I am in the middle of a nervous breakdown. I have been under a great deal of stress and barely sleeping even at home in my own bed. Let's see, what could be contributing to that? Peri-menopause? the end of my relationship with Wayne? living with and finally moving away from my son? Those are all good candidates. I tried going out on a date on Tuesday after my return. I want to get over Wayne so I thought jumping into dating again was the answer. No, that only made me feel worse. I behaved terribly on that date. I shamed myself. Fortunately, I had a ticket for the Women of Faith conference on Friday and Saturday at the Arco Arena. My best friend, her daughter and I spent two entire days there. I listened to the speakers and bought a few books. My friend told me I needed to take 18 months off from dating to grieve the loss of my relationship with Wayne. (18 months? really?) Okay Lord, if You say so.
On Sunday I slept in till almost 1 in the afternoon. Then I got up, cooked a pan of lasagna for the office pot luck and another for the house. Then I went upstairs and started unpacking boxes and hanging pictures. I sorted through a lot of junk and started hanging pictures. Here's some pictures of my room I took this morning...
Please excuse my unmade bed. I just wanted to show how my home is beginning to turn into a sanctuary for me. A place where I can spend time with the Lord and be relaxed and at peace. The table and chairs in the corner is where I paint. I was painting yesterday evening and early this morning. My painting is a gift from the Lord. He and I have many conversations as I put brush to paper and these last couple of days have been no exception. Several of the pictures and paintings on the walls are my work, or I should say, the Lord's work, as I believe He flows through my brushes as I paint.
I was feeling as if my attitude hadn't been adjusted on my trip to Mexico. Now I know that I wasn't paying attention. God has been speaking to me, I just have had too much noise in my head to hear what He was trying to say. Through the speakers over the weekend, the new books I purchased and spending time with Him I have been filled with His love and peace. Everytime I have done this in the past disaster has fallen on my life so I realize I am inviting disaster again but I am rededicating my life to the Lord. It is His to do with as He pleases. If I am to take these 18 months off from dating, I will. If I am to remain single for the rest of my life, I will. If I am to return to school to pursue my degree, I will. I promise to listen to the Lord to the best of my ability and live my life for Him.
O Lord, please guide my steps and my life, guide my will and my thoughts. Show me, O Lord, the path you desire for me to walk. Please forgive my sins and help me to renew my relationship with You. I ask this in the name of Your son, Jesus, who came and died for me so that I might be reconciled with You. Amen
Our days in Mexico are filled with prayer. We pray as we get to the site, we pray once we meet the families and are ready to build, we pray before our lunch and we pray with the families as we close our time with them. Some of these prayers are quite touching. I remember one build where we were all sobbing before the end. Sometimes the families pray with us, sometimes they pray for us. It is always a very special time.
Eddie's main purpose for Mexico Caravan Ministries is, surprisingly enough, not home building. He says, and I know he's right, that these homes will get built with or without MCM. Eddie runs MCM to introduce people to missions and to get them passionate about missions. The student interns that serve at MCM usually end up going into long term overseas missions. Quite often when we are down there we hear of a staff member's plans and choose to support them in their plans. There is a ministry that Eddie works with a lot and several staff members have gone there. This ministry is called New Tribes and they have a school back east somewhere. That is the ministry the Buser family all trained for missions with and who now supports the Busers in Papua New Guinea (administrative support). I know of at least one former staff member who is going to school at their college and a couple more who are applying.
One of the staff, a young man who looks as if he would be more interested in surfing than missionary work is planning to study endangered animals in his target country. This is a closed country and the only way to be a missionary there is to be invited because you have a skill set needed by that country. This particular country has several endangered species of animals. Here is a young kid, barely in his 20's, who is willing to risk his life preaching the Good News in a Muslim country. His passion for Christ overwhelms me. His strength and trust in Jesus is amazing. I am shamed by my lack of motivation when I was his age. I knew I wanted to be a missionary, I just listened to people who told me that a single woman could not be a missionary. Shoulda, woulda, coulda, no use crying over the past, it's the future I need to work on...
I returned from Mexico exhausted, physically and emotionally. I usually call my trips to Mexico my "attitude adjustment trips" because I return refreshed, renewed and recommitted to doing the Lord's work. I was feeling as if this trip, due to circumstances before the trip, did not refresh, renew or recommit me. I have been feeling like I am in the middle of a nervous breakdown. I have been under a great deal of stress and barely sleeping even at home in my own bed. Let's see, what could be contributing to that? Peri-menopause? the end of my relationship with Wayne? living with and finally moving away from my son? Those are all good candidates. I tried going out on a date on Tuesday after my return. I want to get over Wayne so I thought jumping into dating again was the answer. No, that only made me feel worse. I behaved terribly on that date. I shamed myself. Fortunately, I had a ticket for the Women of Faith conference on Friday and Saturday at the Arco Arena. My best friend, her daughter and I spent two entire days there. I listened to the speakers and bought a few books. My friend told me I needed to take 18 months off from dating to grieve the loss of my relationship with Wayne. (18 months? really?) Okay Lord, if You say so.
On Sunday I slept in till almost 1 in the afternoon. Then I got up, cooked a pan of lasagna for the office pot luck and another for the house. Then I went upstairs and started unpacking boxes and hanging pictures. I sorted through a lot of junk and started hanging pictures. Here's some pictures of my room I took this morning...
Please excuse my unmade bed. I just wanted to show how my home is beginning to turn into a sanctuary for me. A place where I can spend time with the Lord and be relaxed and at peace. The table and chairs in the corner is where I paint. I was painting yesterday evening and early this morning. My painting is a gift from the Lord. He and I have many conversations as I put brush to paper and these last couple of days have been no exception. Several of the pictures and paintings on the walls are my work, or I should say, the Lord's work, as I believe He flows through my brushes as I paint.
I was feeling as if my attitude hadn't been adjusted on my trip to Mexico. Now I know that I wasn't paying attention. God has been speaking to me, I just have had too much noise in my head to hear what He was trying to say. Through the speakers over the weekend, the new books I purchased and spending time with Him I have been filled with His love and peace. Everytime I have done this in the past disaster has fallen on my life so I realize I am inviting disaster again but I am rededicating my life to the Lord. It is His to do with as He pleases. If I am to take these 18 months off from dating, I will. If I am to remain single for the rest of my life, I will. If I am to return to school to pursue my degree, I will. I promise to listen to the Lord to the best of my ability and live my life for Him.
O Lord, please guide my steps and my life, guide my will and my thoughts. Show me, O Lord, the path you desire for me to walk. Please forgive my sins and help me to renew my relationship with You. I ask this in the name of Your son, Jesus, who came and died for me so that I might be reconciled with You. Amen
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
5:30 already???
It's been a long night. I tossed and turned for most of it. I haven't been sleeping well, a lot on my mind. I should be grateful that I have a warm and dry place to sleep. Instead I am moaning and groaning about the fact that I am sleeping alone. I am crying over the fact that I want to be married, not just a notch on some guy's belt. I don't understand why I have this desire on my heart if everytime I get remotely close to that goal I get dumped. And each successive time it gets worse and worse. I love so deeply and completely that each breakup is like an amputation. The pain is so intense, even after almost a month. Is it any wonder I am afraid to admit that I love? It's not his fault. I am the defective one.
The other thing keeping me from sleep is excitement over Mexico. By this time next week 10 families will have new homes. That is approximately 40 - 50 people we will be impacting for the Lord! A huge opportunity to share God's love and grace and mercy. I just hope that I am up for the task. I don't know why I am nervous, I've done this so many times before. I know I just need to relax and let God work through me.
Thank you, Lord, for Your faithfulness. Even in the midst of my pain and misery I can find joy in serving You. Fill my life so that there is no more room for all that pain and misery. Help me keep my focus on You and Your desires for me rather than my wishes and desires for myself. I know that You always want the best for me while I may not always know what that is. I submit to Your will, O Lord. Show me the path You desire for me to walk.
Lord, please also watch over my family and those whom I love. Please keep them safe, healthy and happy. Watch over them as they go about their days. Give them love and joy in whatever form You choose to bestow upon them. Give them great jobs, great relationships and most of all, give them hearts that hunger after You. I feel free to ask this of You because I know of Your love for me and my loved ones. You sent Your only son, Jesus, to die on the cross so that we may be reconciled to You. What a wonderous gift!
The other thing keeping me from sleep is excitement over Mexico. By this time next week 10 families will have new homes. That is approximately 40 - 50 people we will be impacting for the Lord! A huge opportunity to share God's love and grace and mercy. I just hope that I am up for the task. I don't know why I am nervous, I've done this so many times before. I know I just need to relax and let God work through me.
Thank you, Lord, for Your faithfulness. Even in the midst of my pain and misery I can find joy in serving You. Fill my life so that there is no more room for all that pain and misery. Help me keep my focus on You and Your desires for me rather than my wishes and desires for myself. I know that You always want the best for me while I may not always know what that is. I submit to Your will, O Lord. Show me the path You desire for me to walk.
Lord, please also watch over my family and those whom I love. Please keep them safe, healthy and happy. Watch over them as they go about their days. Give them love and joy in whatever form You choose to bestow upon them. Give them great jobs, great relationships and most of all, give them hearts that hunger after You. I feel free to ask this of You because I know of Your love for me and my loved ones. You sent Your only son, Jesus, to die on the cross so that we may be reconciled to You. What a wonderous gift!
Monday, November 1, 2010
True Intimacy
Posted by a friend of mine on Facebook today. This is what I am looking for. This is what I thought I had.
Intimacy is the defining point of when God says "one flesh" and to "cleave" to one another. The physical intimacy is something anyone can give, it is simply the union of the body. It is the union of the spirit that true intimacy gives.The knowledge of each other and desiring to not just be a part, but a whole, complete in that knowledge.
Where the responses are instant and deep, true and honest, transparent and clear, where the joy is complete in one to the other.
That when they enter the room a light shines in your soul.
You long for their touch, to hear their voice, to find comfort in their nearness and oneness in their presence. To be filled with an ecstacy that transcends the physical, to place of oneness that can not be described — but only felt. Where the laughter is often, and the tears few. Where each mile together is a journey of joy, and truly you are only a single sojourner together, inseparable, one. When you look into each others eyes you see the brilliance and fire of who they are, and are humbled that they have chosen you to share life with, to share those secret places together, and become part of the melody of their hearts.
You become each others song.
The physical becomes a unity of pleasure, not in and of the act, but in and of the lack of boundaries, of overcoming the separation ,and coming together in a harmony of joy that sex is just an empty shadow of in comparison. Where the act of just "being" is so intensely sweet, that it can only be held for a moment in time, but an eternity in memory. The two become one, fused in a bond of love that reaches the throne of heaven.
When you have true intimacy you have found a treasure beyond hope, a gift beyond price, and joy beyond what the heart can hold.
In that, never let go....
Thank you Jonathan Payne, those are beautiful words.
God is faithful, He has plans for me, maybe not the ones I believed He had for me but good plans nonetheless. Plans that don't involve a man who doesn't have the balls to call me up and say, "I'm breaking up with you because..." Plans that don't involve a man too afraid to be my friend even after the romance is over. Plans that involve a true Christian man. Plans that do involve a man with a spine. Plans to prosper and not harm me. I can't wait to find out what those plans are.
Intimacy is the defining point of when God says "one flesh" and to "cleave" to one another. The physical intimacy is something anyone can give, it is simply the union of the body. It is the union of the spirit that true intimacy gives.The knowledge of each other and desiring to not just be a part, but a whole, complete in that knowledge.
Where the responses are instant and deep, true and honest, transparent and clear, where the joy is complete in one to the other.
That when they enter the room a light shines in your soul.
You long for their touch, to hear their voice, to find comfort in their nearness and oneness in their presence. To be filled with an ecstacy that transcends the physical, to place of oneness that can not be described — but only felt. Where the laughter is often, and the tears few. Where each mile together is a journey of joy, and truly you are only a single sojourner together, inseparable, one. When you look into each others eyes you see the brilliance and fire of who they are, and are humbled that they have chosen you to share life with, to share those secret places together, and become part of the melody of their hearts.
You become each others song.
The physical becomes a unity of pleasure, not in and of the act, but in and of the lack of boundaries, of overcoming the separation ,and coming together in a harmony of joy that sex is just an empty shadow of in comparison. Where the act of just "being" is so intensely sweet, that it can only be held for a moment in time, but an eternity in memory. The two become one, fused in a bond of love that reaches the throne of heaven.
When you have true intimacy you have found a treasure beyond hope, a gift beyond price, and joy beyond what the heart can hold.
In that, never let go....
Thank you Jonathan Payne, those are beautiful words.
God is faithful, He has plans for me, maybe not the ones I believed He had for me but good plans nonetheless. Plans that don't involve a man who doesn't have the balls to call me up and say, "I'm breaking up with you because..." Plans that don't involve a man too afraid to be my friend even after the romance is over. Plans that involve a true Christian man. Plans that do involve a man with a spine. Plans to prosper and not harm me. I can't wait to find out what those plans are.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Rainy Days and Sundays
Today I should have been packing for my move. Instead I spent most of the day working on a painting I started 4 weeks ago. As a matter of fact, I started it on the day I first knew there was a problem between Wayne and I. I had been suspecting it for some time but that day I knew. I was considering not finishing it because it holds terrible memories of Wayne for me but right now I am rather glad I've been working on it. It looks rather nice. It has some good colors in it and some blending that looks really nice. I'm probably going to have to sell it when I'm done but that's okay.
Yesterday was blood platelet donation day, also the only time I ever weigh myself. I do that deliberately so I don't obsess over the numbers on the scale. I was down from 171 pounds to 166. That's 5 pounds in 2 weeks, just a tad too fast. But it does put me at a BMI of 25.2 and 25.0 is consider a "normal" weight. Now if I can just keep up the good eating habits and not revert back I should be okay.
I also took a long walk in the rain yesterday. I walked from my apartment to the site where I crashed my bike, about 4 miles each way. Hmmm, somewhere I had the idea it was 5 but I just recalculated, it's 4, maybe a little bit more but not a whole lot. I had my big polka dot umbrella, I love the sound the rain makes on my umbrella, and on the path and the trees and bushes and river and...
As I was crossing the river I watched the fish under the water like I did last week. The difference yesterday was that the fish were jumping. I saw some pretty good sized fish, too. I was thinking about how last week I wanted to jump from the bridge. My life was so painful I didn't want to go on. Well, I still wanted to jump this week but not as badly as I did last week. That's progress, right? I have more joy in my life this week than I did last. Not as much as I did a month ago when I was still with Wayne but I am working my way back to happy and joyful again. I've prayed and prayed for the Lord to either restore our relationship or get that man out of my head. So far, neither one has happened.
Well, I need to go to sleep now if I'm going to work tomorrow. The herbs are still doing their trick, as a matter of fact I am sleeping better and better each night. That contributes to the joy returning to my life as well. I would have stayed in bed all day today if I'd had someone to cuddle with. Rainy days are good for that.
Yesterday was blood platelet donation day, also the only time I ever weigh myself. I do that deliberately so I don't obsess over the numbers on the scale. I was down from 171 pounds to 166. That's 5 pounds in 2 weeks, just a tad too fast. But it does put me at a BMI of 25.2 and 25.0 is consider a "normal" weight. Now if I can just keep up the good eating habits and not revert back I should be okay.
I also took a long walk in the rain yesterday. I walked from my apartment to the site where I crashed my bike, about 4 miles each way. Hmmm, somewhere I had the idea it was 5 but I just recalculated, it's 4, maybe a little bit more but not a whole lot. I had my big polka dot umbrella, I love the sound the rain makes on my umbrella, and on the path and the trees and bushes and river and...
As I was crossing the river I watched the fish under the water like I did last week. The difference yesterday was that the fish were jumping. I saw some pretty good sized fish, too. I was thinking about how last week I wanted to jump from the bridge. My life was so painful I didn't want to go on. Well, I still wanted to jump this week but not as badly as I did last week. That's progress, right? I have more joy in my life this week than I did last. Not as much as I did a month ago when I was still with Wayne but I am working my way back to happy and joyful again. I've prayed and prayed for the Lord to either restore our relationship or get that man out of my head. So far, neither one has happened.
Well, I need to go to sleep now if I'm going to work tomorrow. The herbs are still doing their trick, as a matter of fact I am sleeping better and better each night. That contributes to the joy returning to my life as well. I would have stayed in bed all day today if I'd had someone to cuddle with. Rainy days are good for that.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
John 15:1-4
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."
God has a purpose for my life. I'm not quite sure what it is yet because I have let my life get in the way. I've been too focused on myself to be able to hear the still, small voice of God. Even the things I believed He put into my life got in the way of listening to Him. Now it's time to clean out my life of all that extra stuff. That means not only cleaning out my closets and drawers but also paring away the relationships in my life that are pulling me down. Some of them are very dear to me but they are toxic, they are causing me a great deal of pain and anguish and therefore must go. This is not an arbitrary clean-up. Some of these relationships have been around for years and I have expended a great deal of time and energy witnessing to them. But it's very possible that I am not supposed to be the one to bring in that harvest. Other relationships have been shorter in term but just as precious to me. I need to cut them loose now so that I can clear noise between God and myself.
I'm not going to name names here or point fingers. Let's just say that if you have dropped out of my life in the past several weeks or if you find yourself dropping out of my life in the next few weeks you may want to consider looking for those divine pruning shears. (It doesn't matter whether it was your your idea, my idea or someone else's idea, it was all God's idea.) To some of you I hope that God reintroduces us again in the future. To others, I am glad to see your backside. I will leave it to you to figure out which group you belong in.
God has a purpose for my life. I'm not quite sure what it is yet because I have let my life get in the way. I've been too focused on myself to be able to hear the still, small voice of God. Even the things I believed He put into my life got in the way of listening to Him. Now it's time to clean out my life of all that extra stuff. That means not only cleaning out my closets and drawers but also paring away the relationships in my life that are pulling me down. Some of them are very dear to me but they are toxic, they are causing me a great deal of pain and anguish and therefore must go. This is not an arbitrary clean-up. Some of these relationships have been around for years and I have expended a great deal of time and energy witnessing to them. But it's very possible that I am not supposed to be the one to bring in that harvest. Other relationships have been shorter in term but just as precious to me. I need to cut them loose now so that I can clear noise between God and myself.
I'm not going to name names here or point fingers. Let's just say that if you have dropped out of my life in the past several weeks or if you find yourself dropping out of my life in the next few weeks you may want to consider looking for those divine pruning shears. (It doesn't matter whether it was your your idea, my idea or someone else's idea, it was all God's idea.) To some of you I hope that God reintroduces us again in the future. To others, I am glad to see your backside. I will leave it to you to figure out which group you belong in.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
an interesting phenomenom has occured
Yesterday I wrote a letter to Wayne and mailed it. The letter apologized for my bad behavior while we were seeing each other and for not respecting him enough and being too controlling when we were together. It also apologized for not sharing things with him that I think he had a right to know. I told him what steps I am taking to correct my behavior and asked him if we could be friends again. Because that's what I miss most of all is his friendship. I do have a history of being friends with ex-boyfriends so I didn't think I was too out of line. Anyway, I mailed the letter to his PO Box so if I get a response it may take a month or more. He once told me he only checks his box about once a month. I did tell him in the letter I would be happy with one 15 minute phone call per week. Well, maybe not happy but satisfied. And I meant every word, still do. Then I went home last night and sobbed my heart out.
I got up this morning and put on a dress. It is a short dress, with a V-neck that shows my cleavage, one I was planning on wearing for Wayne the next time I saw him, he used to like looking at my cleavage. It's not too short to wear to work as it hits a couple of inches above my knees, but I do have to watch how I sit when I'm wearing it. Anyway, all that aside, I also put on a little make up and styled my freshly cut hair. I put on a pair of cute little sandals and ran out to my car since I was running late to work. But I didn't run so fast that I missed noticing I attracted a little male attention.
I got to work and, as usual for the last couple of weeks, was struggling with the grief and sadness. One reason for putting on make up was so that I would not succumb to tears today. That was early this morning. A little later today I noticed a little more male attention around the office. And even more as I wandered the aisles at Safeway for lunch. And as I got back to the office after lunch I noticed that, for right now at least, I was not overwhelmingly sad anymore. I have no desire to cry. Now, that may change again in the next 10 minutes but for right now that's a good thing. I believe it means I'm beginning to fall a little bit out of love with him. That doesn't mean I don't still love him, because I do. It means I am not in love with him, or at least on the way to not being in love with him. I am not infatuated with him, I am not obsessed with him, I simply love him. I believe this is a good thing.
What happens if he gets my letter and decides he wants to try and be friends? That's a good thing, I still miss him and would like to be friends with him. Does that preclude any romantic relationship in the future? Eh, maybe, maybe not. I am still very much sexually attracted to him (why I cannot fathom) and would still very much like to explore that (maybe because he's undiscovered territory). No, I don't want sex with him, I want to make love with him. Personally, I think relationships are best when built on a firm foundation of friendship, but then again, I've never had a romantic relationship last longer than 4 years. Meanwhile, if I attract the attention of another man I wouldn't turn down a date. I'm just not sure I want another romantic relationship right now, if ever.
I got up this morning and put on a dress. It is a short dress, with a V-neck that shows my cleavage, one I was planning on wearing for Wayne the next time I saw him, he used to like looking at my cleavage. It's not too short to wear to work as it hits a couple of inches above my knees, but I do have to watch how I sit when I'm wearing it. Anyway, all that aside, I also put on a little make up and styled my freshly cut hair. I put on a pair of cute little sandals and ran out to my car since I was running late to work. But I didn't run so fast that I missed noticing I attracted a little male attention.
I got to work and, as usual for the last couple of weeks, was struggling with the grief and sadness. One reason for putting on make up was so that I would not succumb to tears today. That was early this morning. A little later today I noticed a little more male attention around the office. And even more as I wandered the aisles at Safeway for lunch. And as I got back to the office after lunch I noticed that, for right now at least, I was not overwhelmingly sad anymore. I have no desire to cry. Now, that may change again in the next 10 minutes but for right now that's a good thing. I believe it means I'm beginning to fall a little bit out of love with him. That doesn't mean I don't still love him, because I do. It means I am not in love with him, or at least on the way to not being in love with him. I am not infatuated with him, I am not obsessed with him, I simply love him. I believe this is a good thing.
What happens if he gets my letter and decides he wants to try and be friends? That's a good thing, I still miss him and would like to be friends with him. Does that preclude any romantic relationship in the future? Eh, maybe, maybe not. I am still very much sexually attracted to him (why I cannot fathom) and would still very much like to explore that (maybe because he's undiscovered territory). No, I don't want sex with him, I want to make love with him. Personally, I think relationships are best when built on a firm foundation of friendship, but then again, I've never had a romantic relationship last longer than 4 years. Meanwhile, if I attract the attention of another man I wouldn't turn down a date. I'm just not sure I want another romantic relationship right now, if ever.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Healing
I've spent most of the last three days blogging on a seperate blog about my past. I wanted to examine my "family of origin" and determine why I make such bad choices in my life. I wrote about my childhood all the way through my latest relationship with Wayne. One thing I learned from what I wrote and from what I left out is that my family is very toxic to me, extremely toxic! I grew up being verbally and emotionally abused. I was beaten and ridiculed. Even today my mother and my children treat me with disrespect and they put me down at every opportunity they can. I am not sure my mother realizes she treats me that way but I know my children do. My mother treats me the way she was treated as she was growing up. I don't think I treated my children that way but I do think they learned to treat me the way they saw others treat me. Moving out of my son's apartment will be the best thing I have ever done for myself. I need to learn to value myself before I kill myself.
In addition, almost every relationship that I have ever had in my life has been toxic. So much so that I do not know how to behave when I get into a healthy relationship. I guess I am to remain single for the rest of my life, I don't do healthy relationships and I don't want another toxic one.
In addition, almost every relationship that I have ever had in my life has been toxic. So much so that I do not know how to behave when I get into a healthy relationship. I guess I am to remain single for the rest of my life, I don't do healthy relationships and I don't want another toxic one.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
confusion
It fascinates me how I can be so sad and broken-hearted over the loss of a relationship and yet so full of the joy of the Lord at the same time.
As I greeted friends and fellow worshippers at church last night I was serving the Lord. I know He wants my life to be joyous and I can feel His joy inside me. As I sang and worshipped and lifted my hands to Him I could feel His peace and joy bubbling up inside of me, alongside of the pain and loneliness that has taken deep root inside my heart.
As I drove home from Stockton the past 2 days I was so exhausted I almost fell asleep behind the wheel (multiple times). I thought that if I crashed and died I would be going home to Jesus and there would be no more pain. But a crash would not be a guarantee of death and Jesus obviously isn't finished with me yet. My Lakeside friends are the only ones who act as if they love me and care for me and I was willing to give them all up for a man. I must be crazy and/or pathetic or very deeply in love. I give up, Lord, this is all too much for me.
As I greeted friends and fellow worshippers at church last night I was serving the Lord. I know He wants my life to be joyous and I can feel His joy inside me. As I sang and worshipped and lifted my hands to Him I could feel His peace and joy bubbling up inside of me, alongside of the pain and loneliness that has taken deep root inside my heart.
As I drove home from Stockton the past 2 days I was so exhausted I almost fell asleep behind the wheel (multiple times). I thought that if I crashed and died I would be going home to Jesus and there would be no more pain. But a crash would not be a guarantee of death and Jesus obviously isn't finished with me yet. My Lakeside friends are the only ones who act as if they love me and care for me and I was willing to give them all up for a man. I must be crazy and/or pathetic or very deeply in love. I give up, Lord, this is all too much for me.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Pacific International Quilt Festival
I don't know why I used my day off work to go spend time with my mother. Well, actually, I do. She's 75 years old, not getting any younger and certainly not getting any healthier. She has diabetes, high blood pressure and a whole host of other health problems. I love my mother and want to spend time with her because she hasn't got a whole lot of time left. So when I had the day off and she asked me to go to this festival with her I went.
She says she asked me to go with her because I am another woman and enjoy quilts. She said it's hard doing things like that with Jeffrey because he doesn't appreciate them the same way another stitcher would. Okay, that made sense. But once we got there the two of them kept walking away from me and leaving me all alone in this huge hall crowded with strangers. I don't do well with crowds and I don't do well with strangers and they both know it. Don't get me wrong, the entire day wasn't miserable, just a large portion of it.
The quilts were beautiful, I'm going to try and attach pictures here. There were thousands of quilts, some were absolute masterpieces of work, some were really, really ugly. That was the best part of the day. Then we walked through part of the vendor section, the part with everyone in their stalls selling stuff. Mom kept stopping and saying, "If I had the money I'd buy that for _______." Fill in the blank with everyone else's name but mine, her sisters, my sister, her nieces and nephews, her grandchildren, her friends. Everyone but me. My mom is awesome. She needlepoints, she sews, she machine embroiders, she quilts. She has made things and given them to everyone she knows. Everyone except me. She's made Christmas stockings, monogrammed bath towels, embroidered placemats and kitchen towels, decorated jackets, made quilts, gorgeous wall hangings, you name it. In all these years she has given me one embroidered dish towel that she was really going to throw away because it was flawed.
I really have no room to complain. She and Jeff took me in and cared for me, fed me, drove me to doctor's appointments, the whole works while I was recovering from my broken wrist. We packed a lunch to take with us yesterday because she knew I wouldn't have the money to eat out and when lunchtime came and she didn't want to walk back to the car she bought me a salad. We ate the sandwiches for dinner as we drove home. The point is when my mother dies everyone will have all these beautiful keepsakes and I will have a flawed tea towel. Okay, I will have memories, lots and lots of memories. Let's hope I don't get Alzheimer's.
Yesterday was a toss up. The quilts were fabulous. We shared some laughs (the scene in the bathroom was priceless but in the end everyone in there was laughing at me, not her. I was so humiliated.) She abandoned me only to find me again and humiliate me, put me down, criticize me and otherwise make me feel small and unloved. Why did I go with her? She's 75 years old, not getting any younger and certainly not getting any healthier. She doesn't have much time left and I love her. I have a pattern of loving those who don't love me.
I'm driving back to Stockton today to spend more time with her.
She says she asked me to go with her because I am another woman and enjoy quilts. She said it's hard doing things like that with Jeffrey because he doesn't appreciate them the same way another stitcher would. Okay, that made sense. But once we got there the two of them kept walking away from me and leaving me all alone in this huge hall crowded with strangers. I don't do well with crowds and I don't do well with strangers and they both know it. Don't get me wrong, the entire day wasn't miserable, just a large portion of it.
The quilts were beautiful, I'm going to try and attach pictures here. There were thousands of quilts, some were absolute masterpieces of work, some were really, really ugly. That was the best part of the day. Then we walked through part of the vendor section, the part with everyone in their stalls selling stuff. Mom kept stopping and saying, "If I had the money I'd buy that for _______." Fill in the blank with everyone else's name but mine, her sisters, my sister, her nieces and nephews, her grandchildren, her friends. Everyone but me. My mom is awesome. She needlepoints, she sews, she machine embroiders, she quilts. She has made things and given them to everyone she knows. Everyone except me. She's made Christmas stockings, monogrammed bath towels, embroidered placemats and kitchen towels, decorated jackets, made quilts, gorgeous wall hangings, you name it. In all these years she has given me one embroidered dish towel that she was really going to throw away because it was flawed.
I really have no room to complain. She and Jeff took me in and cared for me, fed me, drove me to doctor's appointments, the whole works while I was recovering from my broken wrist. We packed a lunch to take with us yesterday because she knew I wouldn't have the money to eat out and when lunchtime came and she didn't want to walk back to the car she bought me a salad. We ate the sandwiches for dinner as we drove home. The point is when my mother dies everyone will have all these beautiful keepsakes and I will have a flawed tea towel. Okay, I will have memories, lots and lots of memories. Let's hope I don't get Alzheimer's.
Yesterday was a toss up. The quilts were fabulous. We shared some laughs (the scene in the bathroom was priceless but in the end everyone in there was laughing at me, not her. I was so humiliated.) She abandoned me only to find me again and humiliate me, put me down, criticize me and otherwise make me feel small and unloved. Why did I go with her? She's 75 years old, not getting any younger and certainly not getting any healthier. She doesn't have much time left and I love her. I have a pattern of loving those who don't love me.
I'm driving back to Stockton today to spend more time with her.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Random Thoughts
Your love is outrageous
You Know I've never known anything like your love
never known anything like your love
it's outrageous
I've never known anything like your love
never known anyhting like your love...
that song is going through my head over and over this morning.
Hmmm, had a vision last night, trying to see how it will work out considering the present circumstances. Oh well, God has it under control.
Benefits of fasting, other than the communion and communication with God...
I wonder if Dorothy will let me have a dog?
Your love is outrageous...
You Know I've never known anything like your love
never known anything like your love
it's outrageous
I've never known anything like your love
never known anyhting like your love...
that song is going through my head over and over this morning.
Hmmm, had a vision last night, trying to see how it will work out considering the present circumstances. Oh well, God has it under control.
Benefits of fasting, other than the communion and communication with God...
- weight loss, I haven't stepped on a scale but I feel skinnier
- the dark circles under my eyes from my milk allergies have cleared up as have my sinuses
- my hot flashes are lessening
I wonder if Dorothy will let me have a dog?
Your love is outrageous...
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Answered Prayer
Well, my three day fast is complete and I have the answer to my prayer. This evening as I was praying and breaking my fast I felt an incredible peace and joy. It was as if God was wrapping His arms around me and holding me close. I am going to choose contentment.
God closes doors no man can open and God opens doors no man can shut. Which one will this be?
God closes doors no man can open and God opens doors no man can shut. Which one will this be?
Psalm 27:14
Dear Lord,
I heard You speak to me this morning. Thank You for the answer to my prayer. I will be patient and wait as long as You want me to. I know Your plans are better for me than any I can devise for myself. I will submit to Your will.
Thank You also for this three day fast. As it winds down to a close I find myself wanting to stay in Your presence. I know I can do that and still eat but this has been a special time. Please Lord, restore the things in my life that You will restore and remove from my life anything that will distract me from You.
Lord, please also bless my friends, family and loved ones. They are all very special to me and I know they are also your children. You love them even more than I do, immeasureably more.
Thank You for the life of Your son. I have come to appreciate the sacrifice You made for us when You allowed Jesus to give His life in payment of our sins. I can never hope to be worthy of such a sacrifice.
--Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
--Psalm 27:14
I heard You speak to me this morning. Thank You for the answer to my prayer. I will be patient and wait as long as You want me to. I know Your plans are better for me than any I can devise for myself. I will submit to Your will.
Thank You also for this three day fast. As it winds down to a close I find myself wanting to stay in Your presence. I know I can do that and still eat but this has been a special time. Please Lord, restore the things in my life that You will restore and remove from my life anything that will distract me from You.
Lord, please also bless my friends, family and loved ones. They are all very special to me and I know they are also your children. You love them even more than I do, immeasureably more.
Thank You for the life of Your son. I have come to appreciate the sacrifice You made for us when You allowed Jesus to give His life in payment of our sins. I can never hope to be worthy of such a sacrifice.
--Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
--Psalm 27:14
Monday, October 11, 2010
More Prayer
Dear Lord,
Please help me keep my focus on you during this time of prayer and fasting. My mind wanders and drifts. It keep returning to dig at my pain. I want to focus on You, Lord. I want to focus on Your will for my life. In want to focus on the joy You will bring me when I follow Your will.
Lord, I am so unworthy. I am a sinner, I need Your grace and mercy. Please bless me with Your righteousness, without it I am doomed. I am such a hypocrite, Lord. I put my relationship ahead of You, I made him my god because I made not being alone my god. I am so tired of being alone. Lord. I am sio tired of being lonely, I stumbled, I sinned against You. I am so sorry. Lord, if I could change my behavior, I would. If there was something I could do to make it up to You, I would. But I know there is no way for me, a sinner, to earn Your favor. I need Your love and grace and mercy. I need Your forgiveness. Lord, I submit to Your will. Please show me Your will.
Lord, I also pray for health and healing of my loved ones. I pray for Becky and little Benjamin. I pray for my parents and my children. I pray for their physical and mental wholeness and happiness. Lord, I pray for my friends. I pray that they know You and walk in close communion with You. Lord, You know all the prayers of my heart, even those I cannot put voice to. Please Lord, grant me these petitions.
Please help me keep my focus on you during this time of prayer and fasting. My mind wanders and drifts. It keep returning to dig at my pain. I want to focus on You, Lord. I want to focus on Your will for my life. In want to focus on the joy You will bring me when I follow Your will.
Lord, I am so unworthy. I am a sinner, I need Your grace and mercy. Please bless me with Your righteousness, without it I am doomed. I am such a hypocrite, Lord. I put my relationship ahead of You, I made him my god because I made not being alone my god. I am so tired of being alone. Lord. I am sio tired of being lonely, I stumbled, I sinned against You. I am so sorry. Lord, if I could change my behavior, I would. If there was something I could do to make it up to You, I would. But I know there is no way for me, a sinner, to earn Your favor. I need Your love and grace and mercy. I need Your forgiveness. Lord, I submit to Your will. Please show me Your will.
Lord, I also pray for health and healing of my loved ones. I pray for Becky and little Benjamin. I pray for my parents and my children. I pray for their physical and mental wholeness and happiness. Lord, I pray for my friends. I pray that they know You and walk in close communion with You. Lord, You know all the prayers of my heart, even those I cannot put voice to. Please Lord, grant me these petitions.
Prayer during fasting
Dear Lord,
Draw me closer to You, my Lord. Cleanse my mind, body and spirit as I seek Your will for my life. Show me the path You have laid out ahead of me and guide my steps as I walk that path. Give me the strength to step out in faith, to overcome my grief and my fears. Break the bonds my fears have over me and my life. Show me how to live the full and abundant life that You have prescribed for me. My Lord, if You have decided that I shall spend the rest of my life as a single person let me be a single person doing Your will. I beg of You, please, please, please heal my pain, my hurts, my heart, body and soul. I submit them to You, O God, they are Yours, wholly Yours. Guide my steps as I embark on these changes in my life. Show me the ways You would have me take. Let me be a witness to everyone I come in contact with. Let Your light shine forth through me.
Lord, please also forgive me for all my sins. I have sinned mightily against You, my Lord. In addition to my struggles with lust and my sexual thoughts and desires for the man I love I have also been arrogant and prideful. I have not been completely honest with those I love and even myself. I have not been a good steward of the resources You blessed me with. I have not kept You first place in my life, often replacing You with other people or things. I have ignored opportunities where I could be spreading Your truth and love in order to pursue my own selfish gain. I have even not paid the proper attention to the loved ones You placed in my life. Please, Lord, I know I am not worthy of Your forgiveness but if you choose You can restore my life and show me the way to correct those sins and errors of my life. Show the path You would have me walk in repentance and love.
O Lord, please also bless my friend, heal his hurts and pains, calm his fears and soothe his body and soul. Please give him peace and rest and healing. I know You are showering him with Your love and grace and mercy, just as You shower me with the same. He is Your child, too. I know You want to bless him as much as You want to bless all of Your children. Lord, whether brokenness or restoration, I submit our relationship to Your will. I know You have what is best for the two of us in Your mind and in Your plans. Your will be done, Lord.
Lord, I am ever grateful for Your gifts to me. Your son's sacrifice of His life on the cross is evidence of your unfailing love for me and all your children. I pray that my life will reflect You.
Draw me closer to You, my Lord. Cleanse my mind, body and spirit as I seek Your will for my life. Show me the path You have laid out ahead of me and guide my steps as I walk that path. Give me the strength to step out in faith, to overcome my grief and my fears. Break the bonds my fears have over me and my life. Show me how to live the full and abundant life that You have prescribed for me. My Lord, if You have decided that I shall spend the rest of my life as a single person let me be a single person doing Your will. I beg of You, please, please, please heal my pain, my hurts, my heart, body and soul. I submit them to You, O God, they are Yours, wholly Yours. Guide my steps as I embark on these changes in my life. Show me the ways You would have me take. Let me be a witness to everyone I come in contact with. Let Your light shine forth through me.
Lord, please also forgive me for all my sins. I have sinned mightily against You, my Lord. In addition to my struggles with lust and my sexual thoughts and desires for the man I love I have also been arrogant and prideful. I have not been completely honest with those I love and even myself. I have not been a good steward of the resources You blessed me with. I have not kept You first place in my life, often replacing You with other people or things. I have ignored opportunities where I could be spreading Your truth and love in order to pursue my own selfish gain. I have even not paid the proper attention to the loved ones You placed in my life. Please, Lord, I know I am not worthy of Your forgiveness but if you choose You can restore my life and show me the way to correct those sins and errors of my life. Show the path You would have me walk in repentance and love.
O Lord, please also bless my friend, heal his hurts and pains, calm his fears and soothe his body and soul. Please give him peace and rest and healing. I know You are showering him with Your love and grace and mercy, just as You shower me with the same. He is Your child, too. I know You want to bless him as much as You want to bless all of Your children. Lord, whether brokenness or restoration, I submit our relationship to Your will. I know You have what is best for the two of us in Your mind and in Your plans. Your will be done, Lord.
Lord, I am ever grateful for Your gifts to me. Your son's sacrifice of His life on the cross is evidence of your unfailing love for me and all your children. I pray that my life will reflect You.
God is in Control
There's nothing that can distract a person from their misery quite as well as a worship event. I arrived at Lakeside last night a few minutes before 4 and was totally immersed in worshipping Jesus for the next 6 hours. Being together with my brothers and sisters in Christ is an experienced unequaled anywhere else. I sang, I danced, I yelled and screamed and jumped up and down with several hundred of my closest friends. There was a one hour break where I was able to rest and put my feet up but by the time the evening was over I could barely walk, least of all talk.
Gabriel and crew performed all my favorite songs, including Dress Us Up, Skeleton Bones, Love Came Down, the Old Rugged Cross and that other one at the end whose name escapes me right now. And by the crowds' reactions, they're not just my favorite songs either. I'm going to have to get myself a copy of the CD/DVD package.
This was all after an afternoon of hunting for a new home. I finally found one in the Loomis/Penryn area. It's in a huge house set on several heavily wooded acres. The room I am renting is larger than the living room in my current apartment. The bathroom is HUGE! One wall is all sinks and mirrors and 2 walls of closets. There is a deck off the sliding glass doors and the view includes 2 ponds and a swimming pool. I won't know what to do with myself in all that room. In Mexico a room that size would house at least 8 people.
Gabriel and crew performed all my favorite songs, including Dress Us Up, Skeleton Bones, Love Came Down, the Old Rugged Cross and that other one at the end whose name escapes me right now. And by the crowds' reactions, they're not just my favorite songs either. I'm going to have to get myself a copy of the CD/DVD package.
This was all after an afternoon of hunting for a new home. I finally found one in the Loomis/Penryn area. It's in a huge house set on several heavily wooded acres. The room I am renting is larger than the living room in my current apartment. The bathroom is HUGE! One wall is all sinks and mirrors and 2 walls of closets. There is a deck off the sliding glass doors and the view includes 2 ponds and a swimming pool. I won't know what to do with myself in all that room. In Mexico a room that size would house at least 8 people.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Confirmation
Other stuff going on in my life. I'm feeling disconnected from Lakeside Church, not from God, just Lakeside. There are things going on there that I am still excited about but those will mostly be over by tomorrow evening. I will probably still attend Lakeside till my move is complete but then will try and find a church closer to my new home. I think the emotional disconnect started when I thought I was going to have a permanent relationship and I would be shifting to his church. I've heard of a good church in Auburn, maybe I will attend there. Lakeside, no matter how good the teaching and fellowship is getting too big. It's getting to be all about the music and showmanship and although it's not a bad thing, I want to focus more on God. I may still remain connected to Lakeside on a limited basis in order to stay in touch with missions but once I move away from here that will probably be the extent of my connection.
In preparing for the move I've been doing further cleaning in my room. I threw away and/or gave away a lot of the stuff that was sitting in boxes in my room. I have a lot of floor space this evening but that will be only temporary. Tomorrow I will be setting up my bike on the trainer In my room. I still can't carry it down the stairs to ride it yet and I want to get back on it again. I did all that in between my usual Saturday activities. I donated platelets this morning and this afternoon drove Marion and Sandra down to our friend Jeannene's bon voyage party. Jeannene and her family are moving to Texas at the end of the month.
Lord, please use this experience to help me grow more in love with you. I ask this in your son's name, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ because I know His sacrifice on the cross was for me. Thank you Lord, you are good.
In preparing for the move I've been doing further cleaning in my room. I threw away and/or gave away a lot of the stuff that was sitting in boxes in my room. I have a lot of floor space this evening but that will be only temporary. Tomorrow I will be setting up my bike on the trainer In my room. I still can't carry it down the stairs to ride it yet and I want to get back on it again. I did all that in between my usual Saturday activities. I donated platelets this morning and this afternoon drove Marion and Sandra down to our friend Jeannene's bon voyage party. Jeannene and her family are moving to Texas at the end of the month.
Lord, please use this experience to help me grow more in love with you. I ask this in your son's name, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ because I know His sacrifice on the cross was for me. Thank you Lord, you are good.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Fasting
I've been reading a lot about fasting lately. Fasting for detoxing the body and fasting for a spiritual breakthrough. It seems to me that the diets are similar. I've been planning on fasting for spiritual reasons lately, the detox and weight loss benefits only seem to add to the reasons for doing it. I did sort of an informal fast today, not for the whole day but I drank plenty of liquids all day and did not eat at all until dinner this evening at which time I ate 3 small slices of pizza. I probably would not have eaten then but I was out with my daughter and she wanted dinner.
Not eating was not as difficult as I thought it would be. I am going to eat tomorrow because I have a blood donation appointment Saturday morning and then I will eat after my appointment on Saturday afternoon but starting Sunday I am considering starting a longer fast.
I also have a party to attend on Saturday afternoon. I'm driving two, maybe three friends down to Lockeford and we will be visiting with some friends who are on the brink of moving to Texas. I am going to miss Jeannene. She has a huge heart for the Lord and is an awesome prayer warrior. I met her through my friend Cherie at our Beautiful Believers Breakfast Club.
I will be journaling my thoughts on fasting here as I go through this process. God seems to be stripping away everything in my life that is coming between Him and me. I need to sit up and pay attention. I need to draw closer to Him. I look forward to this journey.
Not eating was not as difficult as I thought it would be. I am going to eat tomorrow because I have a blood donation appointment Saturday morning and then I will eat after my appointment on Saturday afternoon but starting Sunday I am considering starting a longer fast.
I also have a party to attend on Saturday afternoon. I'm driving two, maybe three friends down to Lockeford and we will be visiting with some friends who are on the brink of moving to Texas. I am going to miss Jeannene. She has a huge heart for the Lord and is an awesome prayer warrior. I met her through my friend Cherie at our Beautiful Believers Breakfast Club.
I will be journaling my thoughts on fasting here as I go through this process. God seems to be stripping away everything in my life that is coming between Him and me. I need to sit up and pay attention. I need to draw closer to Him. I look forward to this journey.
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