Showing posts with label Prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Prayer. Show all posts
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Kody
I've been working diligently the last 4 weeks to bring Kody home to live with me. First he had to get well and then we had to be sure he would be a good fit with the other residents of the house. I finally got the phone call yesterday that Kody was well and could come home yesterday afternoon. Everyone in the house loves him! He is settling in well. Praise the Lord! Thank you, Lord! I pray this is a blessing for everyone involved.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
What A Week! - Part 4
If you read my posts about my trip to Mexico it sounds like it was a very secular trip. I made very little mention of the spiritual side of the trip other than morning devotions and Eddie and Brandon's messages in the morning. And I know I even made Brandon's sound like a commercial interruption. That really isn't the case. Right after breakfast on Friday and Saturday mornings we all filed into the big meeting room upstairs and had a time of worship. Eddie gives us a hard time about paying attention to the lyrics we are singing but he does join in with us. Ever since he started doing that I have been paying attention. If you sing, "break my heart for what breaks yours" to Jesus you better mean it. In my opinion, worship is prayer set to music. It is a conversation with God and you shouldn't sing something you don't mean.
Our days in Mexico are filled with prayer. We pray as we get to the site, we pray once we meet the families and are ready to build, we pray before our lunch and we pray with the families as we close our time with them. Some of these prayers are quite touching. I remember one build where we were all sobbing before the end. Sometimes the families pray with us, sometimes they pray for us. It is always a very special time.
Eddie's main purpose for Mexico Caravan Ministries is, surprisingly enough, not home building. He says, and I know he's right, that these homes will get built with or without MCM. Eddie runs MCM to introduce people to missions and to get them passionate about missions. The student interns that serve at MCM usually end up going into long term overseas missions. Quite often when we are down there we hear of a staff member's plans and choose to support them in their plans. There is a ministry that Eddie works with a lot and several staff members have gone there. This ministry is called New Tribes and they have a school back east somewhere. That is the ministry the Buser family all trained for missions with and who now supports the Busers in Papua New Guinea (administrative support). I know of at least one former staff member who is going to school at their college and a couple more who are applying.
One of the staff, a young man who looks as if he would be more interested in surfing than missionary work is planning to study endangered animals in his target country. This is a closed country and the only way to be a missionary there is to be invited because you have a skill set needed by that country. This particular country has several endangered species of animals. Here is a young kid, barely in his 20's, who is willing to risk his life preaching the Good News in a Muslim country. His passion for Christ overwhelms me. His strength and trust in Jesus is amazing. I am shamed by my lack of motivation when I was his age. I knew I wanted to be a missionary, I just listened to people who told me that a single woman could not be a missionary. Shoulda, woulda, coulda, no use crying over the past, it's the future I need to work on...
I returned from Mexico exhausted, physically and emotionally. I usually call my trips to Mexico my "attitude adjustment trips" because I return refreshed, renewed and recommitted to doing the Lord's work. I was feeling as if this trip, due to circumstances before the trip, did not refresh, renew or recommit me. I have been feeling like I am in the middle of a nervous breakdown. I have been under a great deal of stress and barely sleeping even at home in my own bed. Let's see, what could be contributing to that? Peri-menopause? the end of my relationship with Wayne? living with and finally moving away from my son? Those are all good candidates. I tried going out on a date on Tuesday after my return. I want to get over Wayne so I thought jumping into dating again was the answer. No, that only made me feel worse. I behaved terribly on that date. I shamed myself. Fortunately, I had a ticket for the Women of Faith conference on Friday and Saturday at the Arco Arena. My best friend, her daughter and I spent two entire days there. I listened to the speakers and bought a few books. My friend told me I needed to take 18 months off from dating to grieve the loss of my relationship with Wayne. (18 months? really?) Okay Lord, if You say so.
On Sunday I slept in till almost 1 in the afternoon. Then I got up, cooked a pan of lasagna for the office pot luck and another for the house. Then I went upstairs and started unpacking boxes and hanging pictures. I sorted through a lot of junk and started hanging pictures. Here's some pictures of my room I took this morning...
Please excuse my unmade bed. I just wanted to show how my home is beginning to turn into a sanctuary for me. A place where I can spend time with the Lord and be relaxed and at peace. The table and chairs in the corner is where I paint. I was painting yesterday evening and early this morning. My painting is a gift from the Lord. He and I have many conversations as I put brush to paper and these last couple of days have been no exception. Several of the pictures and paintings on the walls are my work, or I should say, the Lord's work, as I believe He flows through my brushes as I paint.
I was feeling as if my attitude hadn't been adjusted on my trip to Mexico. Now I know that I wasn't paying attention. God has been speaking to me, I just have had too much noise in my head to hear what He was trying to say. Through the speakers over the weekend, the new books I purchased and spending time with Him I have been filled with His love and peace. Everytime I have done this in the past disaster has fallen on my life so I realize I am inviting disaster again but I am rededicating my life to the Lord. It is His to do with as He pleases. If I am to take these 18 months off from dating, I will. If I am to remain single for the rest of my life, I will. If I am to return to school to pursue my degree, I will. I promise to listen to the Lord to the best of my ability and live my life for Him.
O Lord, please guide my steps and my life, guide my will and my thoughts. Show me, O Lord, the path you desire for me to walk. Please forgive my sins and help me to renew my relationship with You. I ask this in the name of Your son, Jesus, who came and died for me so that I might be reconciled with You. Amen
Our days in Mexico are filled with prayer. We pray as we get to the site, we pray once we meet the families and are ready to build, we pray before our lunch and we pray with the families as we close our time with them. Some of these prayers are quite touching. I remember one build where we were all sobbing before the end. Sometimes the families pray with us, sometimes they pray for us. It is always a very special time.
Eddie's main purpose for Mexico Caravan Ministries is, surprisingly enough, not home building. He says, and I know he's right, that these homes will get built with or without MCM. Eddie runs MCM to introduce people to missions and to get them passionate about missions. The student interns that serve at MCM usually end up going into long term overseas missions. Quite often when we are down there we hear of a staff member's plans and choose to support them in their plans. There is a ministry that Eddie works with a lot and several staff members have gone there. This ministry is called New Tribes and they have a school back east somewhere. That is the ministry the Buser family all trained for missions with and who now supports the Busers in Papua New Guinea (administrative support). I know of at least one former staff member who is going to school at their college and a couple more who are applying.
One of the staff, a young man who looks as if he would be more interested in surfing than missionary work is planning to study endangered animals in his target country. This is a closed country and the only way to be a missionary there is to be invited because you have a skill set needed by that country. This particular country has several endangered species of animals. Here is a young kid, barely in his 20's, who is willing to risk his life preaching the Good News in a Muslim country. His passion for Christ overwhelms me. His strength and trust in Jesus is amazing. I am shamed by my lack of motivation when I was his age. I knew I wanted to be a missionary, I just listened to people who told me that a single woman could not be a missionary. Shoulda, woulda, coulda, no use crying over the past, it's the future I need to work on...
I returned from Mexico exhausted, physically and emotionally. I usually call my trips to Mexico my "attitude adjustment trips" because I return refreshed, renewed and recommitted to doing the Lord's work. I was feeling as if this trip, due to circumstances before the trip, did not refresh, renew or recommit me. I have been feeling like I am in the middle of a nervous breakdown. I have been under a great deal of stress and barely sleeping even at home in my own bed. Let's see, what could be contributing to that? Peri-menopause? the end of my relationship with Wayne? living with and finally moving away from my son? Those are all good candidates. I tried going out on a date on Tuesday after my return. I want to get over Wayne so I thought jumping into dating again was the answer. No, that only made me feel worse. I behaved terribly on that date. I shamed myself. Fortunately, I had a ticket for the Women of Faith conference on Friday and Saturday at the Arco Arena. My best friend, her daughter and I spent two entire days there. I listened to the speakers and bought a few books. My friend told me I needed to take 18 months off from dating to grieve the loss of my relationship with Wayne. (18 months? really?) Okay Lord, if You say so.
On Sunday I slept in till almost 1 in the afternoon. Then I got up, cooked a pan of lasagna for the office pot luck and another for the house. Then I went upstairs and started unpacking boxes and hanging pictures. I sorted through a lot of junk and started hanging pictures. Here's some pictures of my room I took this morning...
Please excuse my unmade bed. I just wanted to show how my home is beginning to turn into a sanctuary for me. A place where I can spend time with the Lord and be relaxed and at peace. The table and chairs in the corner is where I paint. I was painting yesterday evening and early this morning. My painting is a gift from the Lord. He and I have many conversations as I put brush to paper and these last couple of days have been no exception. Several of the pictures and paintings on the walls are my work, or I should say, the Lord's work, as I believe He flows through my brushes as I paint.
I was feeling as if my attitude hadn't been adjusted on my trip to Mexico. Now I know that I wasn't paying attention. God has been speaking to me, I just have had too much noise in my head to hear what He was trying to say. Through the speakers over the weekend, the new books I purchased and spending time with Him I have been filled with His love and peace. Everytime I have done this in the past disaster has fallen on my life so I realize I am inviting disaster again but I am rededicating my life to the Lord. It is His to do with as He pleases. If I am to take these 18 months off from dating, I will. If I am to remain single for the rest of my life, I will. If I am to return to school to pursue my degree, I will. I promise to listen to the Lord to the best of my ability and live my life for Him.
O Lord, please guide my steps and my life, guide my will and my thoughts. Show me, O Lord, the path you desire for me to walk. Please forgive my sins and help me to renew my relationship with You. I ask this in the name of Your son, Jesus, who came and died for me so that I might be reconciled with You. Amen
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
5:30 already???
It's been a long night. I tossed and turned for most of it. I haven't been sleeping well, a lot on my mind. I should be grateful that I have a warm and dry place to sleep. Instead I am moaning and groaning about the fact that I am sleeping alone. I am crying over the fact that I want to be married, not just a notch on some guy's belt. I don't understand why I have this desire on my heart if everytime I get remotely close to that goal I get dumped. And each successive time it gets worse and worse. I love so deeply and completely that each breakup is like an amputation. The pain is so intense, even after almost a month. Is it any wonder I am afraid to admit that I love? It's not his fault. I am the defective one.
The other thing keeping me from sleep is excitement over Mexico. By this time next week 10 families will have new homes. That is approximately 40 - 50 people we will be impacting for the Lord! A huge opportunity to share God's love and grace and mercy. I just hope that I am up for the task. I don't know why I am nervous, I've done this so many times before. I know I just need to relax and let God work through me.
Thank you, Lord, for Your faithfulness. Even in the midst of my pain and misery I can find joy in serving You. Fill my life so that there is no more room for all that pain and misery. Help me keep my focus on You and Your desires for me rather than my wishes and desires for myself. I know that You always want the best for me while I may not always know what that is. I submit to Your will, O Lord. Show me the path You desire for me to walk.
Lord, please also watch over my family and those whom I love. Please keep them safe, healthy and happy. Watch over them as they go about their days. Give them love and joy in whatever form You choose to bestow upon them. Give them great jobs, great relationships and most of all, give them hearts that hunger after You. I feel free to ask this of You because I know of Your love for me and my loved ones. You sent Your only son, Jesus, to die on the cross so that we may be reconciled to You. What a wonderous gift!
The other thing keeping me from sleep is excitement over Mexico. By this time next week 10 families will have new homes. That is approximately 40 - 50 people we will be impacting for the Lord! A huge opportunity to share God's love and grace and mercy. I just hope that I am up for the task. I don't know why I am nervous, I've done this so many times before. I know I just need to relax and let God work through me.
Thank you, Lord, for Your faithfulness. Even in the midst of my pain and misery I can find joy in serving You. Fill my life so that there is no more room for all that pain and misery. Help me keep my focus on You and Your desires for me rather than my wishes and desires for myself. I know that You always want the best for me while I may not always know what that is. I submit to Your will, O Lord. Show me the path You desire for me to walk.
Lord, please also watch over my family and those whom I love. Please keep them safe, healthy and happy. Watch over them as they go about their days. Give them love and joy in whatever form You choose to bestow upon them. Give them great jobs, great relationships and most of all, give them hearts that hunger after You. I feel free to ask this of You because I know of Your love for me and my loved ones. You sent Your only son, Jesus, to die on the cross so that we may be reconciled to You. What a wonderous gift!
Monday, November 1, 2010
True Intimacy
Posted by a friend of mine on Facebook today. This is what I am looking for. This is what I thought I had.
Intimacy is the defining point of when God says "one flesh" and to "cleave" to one another. The physical intimacy is something anyone can give, it is simply the union of the body. It is the union of the spirit that true intimacy gives.The knowledge of each other and desiring to not just be a part, but a whole, complete in that knowledge.
Where the responses are instant and deep, true and honest, transparent and clear, where the joy is complete in one to the other.
That when they enter the room a light shines in your soul.
You long for their touch, to hear their voice, to find comfort in their nearness and oneness in their presence. To be filled with an ecstacy that transcends the physical, to place of oneness that can not be described — but only felt. Where the laughter is often, and the tears few. Where each mile together is a journey of joy, and truly you are only a single sojourner together, inseparable, one. When you look into each others eyes you see the brilliance and fire of who they are, and are humbled that they have chosen you to share life with, to share those secret places together, and become part of the melody of their hearts.
You become each others song.
The physical becomes a unity of pleasure, not in and of the act, but in and of the lack of boundaries, of overcoming the separation ,and coming together in a harmony of joy that sex is just an empty shadow of in comparison. Where the act of just "being" is so intensely sweet, that it can only be held for a moment in time, but an eternity in memory. The two become one, fused in a bond of love that reaches the throne of heaven.
When you have true intimacy you have found a treasure beyond hope, a gift beyond price, and joy beyond what the heart can hold.
In that, never let go....
Thank you Jonathan Payne, those are beautiful words.
God is faithful, He has plans for me, maybe not the ones I believed He had for me but good plans nonetheless. Plans that don't involve a man who doesn't have the balls to call me up and say, "I'm breaking up with you because..." Plans that don't involve a man too afraid to be my friend even after the romance is over. Plans that involve a true Christian man. Plans that do involve a man with a spine. Plans to prosper and not harm me. I can't wait to find out what those plans are.
Intimacy is the defining point of when God says "one flesh" and to "cleave" to one another. The physical intimacy is something anyone can give, it is simply the union of the body. It is the union of the spirit that true intimacy gives.The knowledge of each other and desiring to not just be a part, but a whole, complete in that knowledge.
Where the responses are instant and deep, true and honest, transparent and clear, where the joy is complete in one to the other.
That when they enter the room a light shines in your soul.
You long for their touch, to hear their voice, to find comfort in their nearness and oneness in their presence. To be filled with an ecstacy that transcends the physical, to place of oneness that can not be described — but only felt. Where the laughter is often, and the tears few. Where each mile together is a journey of joy, and truly you are only a single sojourner together, inseparable, one. When you look into each others eyes you see the brilliance and fire of who they are, and are humbled that they have chosen you to share life with, to share those secret places together, and become part of the melody of their hearts.
You become each others song.
The physical becomes a unity of pleasure, not in and of the act, but in and of the lack of boundaries, of overcoming the separation ,and coming together in a harmony of joy that sex is just an empty shadow of in comparison. Where the act of just "being" is so intensely sweet, that it can only be held for a moment in time, but an eternity in memory. The two become one, fused in a bond of love that reaches the throne of heaven.
When you have true intimacy you have found a treasure beyond hope, a gift beyond price, and joy beyond what the heart can hold.
In that, never let go....
Thank you Jonathan Payne, those are beautiful words.
God is faithful, He has plans for me, maybe not the ones I believed He had for me but good plans nonetheless. Plans that don't involve a man who doesn't have the balls to call me up and say, "I'm breaking up with you because..." Plans that don't involve a man too afraid to be my friend even after the romance is over. Plans that involve a true Christian man. Plans that do involve a man with a spine. Plans to prosper and not harm me. I can't wait to find out what those plans are.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Rainy Days and Sundays
Today I should have been packing for my move. Instead I spent most of the day working on a painting I started 4 weeks ago. As a matter of fact, I started it on the day I first knew there was a problem between Wayne and I. I had been suspecting it for some time but that day I knew. I was considering not finishing it because it holds terrible memories of Wayne for me but right now I am rather glad I've been working on it. It looks rather nice. It has some good colors in it and some blending that looks really nice. I'm probably going to have to sell it when I'm done but that's okay.
Yesterday was blood platelet donation day, also the only time I ever weigh myself. I do that deliberately so I don't obsess over the numbers on the scale. I was down from 171 pounds to 166. That's 5 pounds in 2 weeks, just a tad too fast. But it does put me at a BMI of 25.2 and 25.0 is consider a "normal" weight. Now if I can just keep up the good eating habits and not revert back I should be okay.
I also took a long walk in the rain yesterday. I walked from my apartment to the site where I crashed my bike, about 4 miles each way. Hmmm, somewhere I had the idea it was 5 but I just recalculated, it's 4, maybe a little bit more but not a whole lot. I had my big polka dot umbrella, I love the sound the rain makes on my umbrella, and on the path and the trees and bushes and river and...
As I was crossing the river I watched the fish under the water like I did last week. The difference yesterday was that the fish were jumping. I saw some pretty good sized fish, too. I was thinking about how last week I wanted to jump from the bridge. My life was so painful I didn't want to go on. Well, I still wanted to jump this week but not as badly as I did last week. That's progress, right? I have more joy in my life this week than I did last. Not as much as I did a month ago when I was still with Wayne but I am working my way back to happy and joyful again. I've prayed and prayed for the Lord to either restore our relationship or get that man out of my head. So far, neither one has happened.
Well, I need to go to sleep now if I'm going to work tomorrow. The herbs are still doing their trick, as a matter of fact I am sleeping better and better each night. That contributes to the joy returning to my life as well. I would have stayed in bed all day today if I'd had someone to cuddle with. Rainy days are good for that.
Yesterday was blood platelet donation day, also the only time I ever weigh myself. I do that deliberately so I don't obsess over the numbers on the scale. I was down from 171 pounds to 166. That's 5 pounds in 2 weeks, just a tad too fast. But it does put me at a BMI of 25.2 and 25.0 is consider a "normal" weight. Now if I can just keep up the good eating habits and not revert back I should be okay.
I also took a long walk in the rain yesterday. I walked from my apartment to the site where I crashed my bike, about 4 miles each way. Hmmm, somewhere I had the idea it was 5 but I just recalculated, it's 4, maybe a little bit more but not a whole lot. I had my big polka dot umbrella, I love the sound the rain makes on my umbrella, and on the path and the trees and bushes and river and...
As I was crossing the river I watched the fish under the water like I did last week. The difference yesterday was that the fish were jumping. I saw some pretty good sized fish, too. I was thinking about how last week I wanted to jump from the bridge. My life was so painful I didn't want to go on. Well, I still wanted to jump this week but not as badly as I did last week. That's progress, right? I have more joy in my life this week than I did last. Not as much as I did a month ago when I was still with Wayne but I am working my way back to happy and joyful again. I've prayed and prayed for the Lord to either restore our relationship or get that man out of my head. So far, neither one has happened.
Well, I need to go to sleep now if I'm going to work tomorrow. The herbs are still doing their trick, as a matter of fact I am sleeping better and better each night. That contributes to the joy returning to my life as well. I would have stayed in bed all day today if I'd had someone to cuddle with. Rainy days are good for that.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
confusion
It fascinates me how I can be so sad and broken-hearted over the loss of a relationship and yet so full of the joy of the Lord at the same time.
As I greeted friends and fellow worshippers at church last night I was serving the Lord. I know He wants my life to be joyous and I can feel His joy inside me. As I sang and worshipped and lifted my hands to Him I could feel His peace and joy bubbling up inside of me, alongside of the pain and loneliness that has taken deep root inside my heart.
As I drove home from Stockton the past 2 days I was so exhausted I almost fell asleep behind the wheel (multiple times). I thought that if I crashed and died I would be going home to Jesus and there would be no more pain. But a crash would not be a guarantee of death and Jesus obviously isn't finished with me yet. My Lakeside friends are the only ones who act as if they love me and care for me and I was willing to give them all up for a man. I must be crazy and/or pathetic or very deeply in love. I give up, Lord, this is all too much for me.
As I greeted friends and fellow worshippers at church last night I was serving the Lord. I know He wants my life to be joyous and I can feel His joy inside me. As I sang and worshipped and lifted my hands to Him I could feel His peace and joy bubbling up inside of me, alongside of the pain and loneliness that has taken deep root inside my heart.
As I drove home from Stockton the past 2 days I was so exhausted I almost fell asleep behind the wheel (multiple times). I thought that if I crashed and died I would be going home to Jesus and there would be no more pain. But a crash would not be a guarantee of death and Jesus obviously isn't finished with me yet. My Lakeside friends are the only ones who act as if they love me and care for me and I was willing to give them all up for a man. I must be crazy and/or pathetic or very deeply in love. I give up, Lord, this is all too much for me.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Proverbs 16:9
I am so excited. At lunchtime today (in a few minutes) I go to the bank and get my deposit money for my new place. I've been projecting my income and expenses for the next few paychecks and I am tight but manageable. Phew!
As for Proverbs up there. After my visions last night I've been considering how it will all work out considering recent events. But then I get this Bible verse this morning: "The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps." --Proverbs 16:9. Okay, I'll stop worrying on it. God will make it happen, if He wants it to happen it will and no one can stop it.
So, I've mused about leaving Lakeside. Originally I thought it was because of the relationship I was involved in but now I know that there is a disconnect between my heart and Lakeside so I will be leaving anyway. Today I've been considering whether I am supposed to be continuing working at my job. For some reason I am emotionally disconnecting from here as well. Now the disconnect at work could be because I am full of rage and depression over the break-up of my relationship. I am going to try to work through and process that so that I don't make any hasty decisions. And I will pray that I don't punch out my supervisor while I'm sorting. LOL, just kidding, I'm not violent. Financially speaking it might or might not be a blessing to leave here. I have made 50% more than I am making now but that was in San Francisco. Also, annual raises are due November 1st. I haven't had one yet and I've been here for 2 years. I'm wondering what kind of raise they're planning on giving me, if they're giving me one. Maybe that will be the confirmation whether or not I'm supposed to leave.
Meanwhile, I am just going on with my life. I am moving just as I've been planning since Rob and I had that huge fight last spring. I am making adjustments and changes to be ready for whenever the Lord calls me to do whatever it is He wants me to do. (See paragraph above, I think its all related.) I have already had a couple of leads on good churches in the Auburn and Rocklin areas. And with a painter for a landlord I just may sink deeper into my painting. Living out on 5 acres will give me the peace I need to paint and it will also give me fresh air. Okay, there I was thinking about my current neighbors and how much they smoke. It drifts through my bedroom window all day and night so that I either have to keep my window closed (claustrophobic) or use air freshener every day.
Thank You, Lord, for my life. It's not exactly turning out how I envisioned it would but I know it's turning out according to Your plans. That is sufficient for me.
As for Proverbs up there. After my visions last night I've been considering how it will all work out considering recent events. But then I get this Bible verse this morning: "The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps." --Proverbs 16:9. Okay, I'll stop worrying on it. God will make it happen, if He wants it to happen it will and no one can stop it.
So, I've mused about leaving Lakeside. Originally I thought it was because of the relationship I was involved in but now I know that there is a disconnect between my heart and Lakeside so I will be leaving anyway. Today I've been considering whether I am supposed to be continuing working at my job. For some reason I am emotionally disconnecting from here as well. Now the disconnect at work could be because I am full of rage and depression over the break-up of my relationship. I am going to try to work through and process that so that I don't make any hasty decisions. And I will pray that I don't punch out my supervisor while I'm sorting. LOL, just kidding, I'm not violent. Financially speaking it might or might not be a blessing to leave here. I have made 50% more than I am making now but that was in San Francisco. Also, annual raises are due November 1st. I haven't had one yet and I've been here for 2 years. I'm wondering what kind of raise they're planning on giving me, if they're giving me one. Maybe that will be the confirmation whether or not I'm supposed to leave.
Meanwhile, I am just going on with my life. I am moving just as I've been planning since Rob and I had that huge fight last spring. I am making adjustments and changes to be ready for whenever the Lord calls me to do whatever it is He wants me to do. (See paragraph above, I think its all related.) I have already had a couple of leads on good churches in the Auburn and Rocklin areas. And with a painter for a landlord I just may sink deeper into my painting. Living out on 5 acres will give me the peace I need to paint and it will also give me fresh air. Okay, there I was thinking about my current neighbors and how much they smoke. It drifts through my bedroom window all day and night so that I either have to keep my window closed (claustrophobic) or use air freshener every day.
Thank You, Lord, for my life. It's not exactly turning out how I envisioned it would but I know it's turning out according to Your plans. That is sufficient for me.
Random Thoughts
Your love is outrageous
You Know I've never known anything like your love
never known anything like your love
it's outrageous
I've never known anything like your love
never known anyhting like your love...
that song is going through my head over and over this morning.
Hmmm, had a vision last night, trying to see how it will work out considering the present circumstances. Oh well, God has it under control.
Benefits of fasting, other than the communion and communication with God...
I wonder if Dorothy will let me have a dog?
Your love is outrageous...
You Know I've never known anything like your love
never known anything like your love
it's outrageous
I've never known anything like your love
never known anyhting like your love...
that song is going through my head over and over this morning.
Hmmm, had a vision last night, trying to see how it will work out considering the present circumstances. Oh well, God has it under control.
Benefits of fasting, other than the communion and communication with God...
- weight loss, I haven't stepped on a scale but I feel skinnier
- the dark circles under my eyes from my milk allergies have cleared up as have my sinuses
- my hot flashes are lessening
I wonder if Dorothy will let me have a dog?
Your love is outrageous...
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Answered Prayer
Well, my three day fast is complete and I have the answer to my prayer. This evening as I was praying and breaking my fast I felt an incredible peace and joy. It was as if God was wrapping His arms around me and holding me close. I am going to choose contentment.
God closes doors no man can open and God opens doors no man can shut. Which one will this be?
God closes doors no man can open and God opens doors no man can shut. Which one will this be?
Psalm 27:14
Dear Lord,
I heard You speak to me this morning. Thank You for the answer to my prayer. I will be patient and wait as long as You want me to. I know Your plans are better for me than any I can devise for myself. I will submit to Your will.
Thank You also for this three day fast. As it winds down to a close I find myself wanting to stay in Your presence. I know I can do that and still eat but this has been a special time. Please Lord, restore the things in my life that You will restore and remove from my life anything that will distract me from You.
Lord, please also bless my friends, family and loved ones. They are all very special to me and I know they are also your children. You love them even more than I do, immeasureably more.
Thank You for the life of Your son. I have come to appreciate the sacrifice You made for us when You allowed Jesus to give His life in payment of our sins. I can never hope to be worthy of such a sacrifice.
--Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
--Psalm 27:14
I heard You speak to me this morning. Thank You for the answer to my prayer. I will be patient and wait as long as You want me to. I know Your plans are better for me than any I can devise for myself. I will submit to Your will.
Thank You also for this three day fast. As it winds down to a close I find myself wanting to stay in Your presence. I know I can do that and still eat but this has been a special time. Please Lord, restore the things in my life that You will restore and remove from my life anything that will distract me from You.
Lord, please also bless my friends, family and loved ones. They are all very special to me and I know they are also your children. You love them even more than I do, immeasureably more.
Thank You for the life of Your son. I have come to appreciate the sacrifice You made for us when You allowed Jesus to give His life in payment of our sins. I can never hope to be worthy of such a sacrifice.
--Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
--Psalm 27:14
Day 3
Good Morning Lord,
Thank You for this beautiful day. It is still dark outside but I know it came from You so it will be awesome. Thank You for the sleep I did manage last night, it refreshed me enough to go on with this day. Thank You for my job, it enables me to take care of myself and contribute to Your kingdom. Thank You for my friends and family, even those who have no use for me anymore. What's up with my sister anyway? Are you knocking at her heart's door? Thank You for little Benjamin Dang, Please help him grow strong.
Thank You for Your care and provision. As You know, this is day 3 of my fast. I don't know why You asked for three days but I am finding it to be an eye-opening experience. I truly CAN do all things through You. I know that with You at my side, or I guess I should say, I know that as I cling to Your side, I will come through this season of sadness in one piece, whole, happy and stronger than ever. I thank You for Your love, Your grace and Your mercy. I know Your plans for my life are greater than mine. I wish I didn't have to go through all the pain but I know it is for my benefit, to mold me and shape me into the person You would have me become. Thank You for that, Lord.
I am going to go about my day now. Let Your light shine through me as I do just that. Let my life praise and glorify the name of Your son, Jesus. It is through His sacrifice that I am able to bow before Your feet this morning. For that I am most grateful of all.
Thank You for this beautiful day. It is still dark outside but I know it came from You so it will be awesome. Thank You for the sleep I did manage last night, it refreshed me enough to go on with this day. Thank You for my job, it enables me to take care of myself and contribute to Your kingdom. Thank You for my friends and family, even those who have no use for me anymore. What's up with my sister anyway? Are you knocking at her heart's door? Thank You for little Benjamin Dang, Please help him grow strong.
Thank You for Your care and provision. As You know, this is day 3 of my fast. I don't know why You asked for three days but I am finding it to be an eye-opening experience. I truly CAN do all things through You. I know that with You at my side, or I guess I should say, I know that as I cling to Your side, I will come through this season of sadness in one piece, whole, happy and stronger than ever. I thank You for Your love, Your grace and Your mercy. I know Your plans for my life are greater than mine. I wish I didn't have to go through all the pain but I know it is for my benefit, to mold me and shape me into the person You would have me become. Thank You for that, Lord.
I am going to go about my day now. Let Your light shine through me as I do just that. Let my life praise and glorify the name of Your son, Jesus. It is through His sacrifice that I am able to bow before Your feet this morning. For that I am most grateful of all.
Monday, October 11, 2010
More Prayer
Dear Lord,
Please help me keep my focus on you during this time of prayer and fasting. My mind wanders and drifts. It keep returning to dig at my pain. I want to focus on You, Lord. I want to focus on Your will for my life. In want to focus on the joy You will bring me when I follow Your will.
Lord, I am so unworthy. I am a sinner, I need Your grace and mercy. Please bless me with Your righteousness, without it I am doomed. I am such a hypocrite, Lord. I put my relationship ahead of You, I made him my god because I made not being alone my god. I am so tired of being alone. Lord. I am sio tired of being lonely, I stumbled, I sinned against You. I am so sorry. Lord, if I could change my behavior, I would. If there was something I could do to make it up to You, I would. But I know there is no way for me, a sinner, to earn Your favor. I need Your love and grace and mercy. I need Your forgiveness. Lord, I submit to Your will. Please show me Your will.
Lord, I also pray for health and healing of my loved ones. I pray for Becky and little Benjamin. I pray for my parents and my children. I pray for their physical and mental wholeness and happiness. Lord, I pray for my friends. I pray that they know You and walk in close communion with You. Lord, You know all the prayers of my heart, even those I cannot put voice to. Please Lord, grant me these petitions.
Please help me keep my focus on you during this time of prayer and fasting. My mind wanders and drifts. It keep returning to dig at my pain. I want to focus on You, Lord. I want to focus on Your will for my life. In want to focus on the joy You will bring me when I follow Your will.
Lord, I am so unworthy. I am a sinner, I need Your grace and mercy. Please bless me with Your righteousness, without it I am doomed. I am such a hypocrite, Lord. I put my relationship ahead of You, I made him my god because I made not being alone my god. I am so tired of being alone. Lord. I am sio tired of being lonely, I stumbled, I sinned against You. I am so sorry. Lord, if I could change my behavior, I would. If there was something I could do to make it up to You, I would. But I know there is no way for me, a sinner, to earn Your favor. I need Your love and grace and mercy. I need Your forgiveness. Lord, I submit to Your will. Please show me Your will.
Lord, I also pray for health and healing of my loved ones. I pray for Becky and little Benjamin. I pray for my parents and my children. I pray for their physical and mental wholeness and happiness. Lord, I pray for my friends. I pray that they know You and walk in close communion with You. Lord, You know all the prayers of my heart, even those I cannot put voice to. Please Lord, grant me these petitions.
Prayer during fasting
Dear Lord,
Draw me closer to You, my Lord. Cleanse my mind, body and spirit as I seek Your will for my life. Show me the path You have laid out ahead of me and guide my steps as I walk that path. Give me the strength to step out in faith, to overcome my grief and my fears. Break the bonds my fears have over me and my life. Show me how to live the full and abundant life that You have prescribed for me. My Lord, if You have decided that I shall spend the rest of my life as a single person let me be a single person doing Your will. I beg of You, please, please, please heal my pain, my hurts, my heart, body and soul. I submit them to You, O God, they are Yours, wholly Yours. Guide my steps as I embark on these changes in my life. Show me the ways You would have me take. Let me be a witness to everyone I come in contact with. Let Your light shine forth through me.
Lord, please also forgive me for all my sins. I have sinned mightily against You, my Lord. In addition to my struggles with lust and my sexual thoughts and desires for the man I love I have also been arrogant and prideful. I have not been completely honest with those I love and even myself. I have not been a good steward of the resources You blessed me with. I have not kept You first place in my life, often replacing You with other people or things. I have ignored opportunities where I could be spreading Your truth and love in order to pursue my own selfish gain. I have even not paid the proper attention to the loved ones You placed in my life. Please, Lord, I know I am not worthy of Your forgiveness but if you choose You can restore my life and show me the way to correct those sins and errors of my life. Show the path You would have me walk in repentance and love.
O Lord, please also bless my friend, heal his hurts and pains, calm his fears and soothe his body and soul. Please give him peace and rest and healing. I know You are showering him with Your love and grace and mercy, just as You shower me with the same. He is Your child, too. I know You want to bless him as much as You want to bless all of Your children. Lord, whether brokenness or restoration, I submit our relationship to Your will. I know You have what is best for the two of us in Your mind and in Your plans. Your will be done, Lord.
Lord, I am ever grateful for Your gifts to me. Your son's sacrifice of His life on the cross is evidence of your unfailing love for me and all your children. I pray that my life will reflect You.
Draw me closer to You, my Lord. Cleanse my mind, body and spirit as I seek Your will for my life. Show me the path You have laid out ahead of me and guide my steps as I walk that path. Give me the strength to step out in faith, to overcome my grief and my fears. Break the bonds my fears have over me and my life. Show me how to live the full and abundant life that You have prescribed for me. My Lord, if You have decided that I shall spend the rest of my life as a single person let me be a single person doing Your will. I beg of You, please, please, please heal my pain, my hurts, my heart, body and soul. I submit them to You, O God, they are Yours, wholly Yours. Guide my steps as I embark on these changes in my life. Show me the ways You would have me take. Let me be a witness to everyone I come in contact with. Let Your light shine forth through me.
Lord, please also forgive me for all my sins. I have sinned mightily against You, my Lord. In addition to my struggles with lust and my sexual thoughts and desires for the man I love I have also been arrogant and prideful. I have not been completely honest with those I love and even myself. I have not been a good steward of the resources You blessed me with. I have not kept You first place in my life, often replacing You with other people or things. I have ignored opportunities where I could be spreading Your truth and love in order to pursue my own selfish gain. I have even not paid the proper attention to the loved ones You placed in my life. Please, Lord, I know I am not worthy of Your forgiveness but if you choose You can restore my life and show me the way to correct those sins and errors of my life. Show the path You would have me walk in repentance and love.
O Lord, please also bless my friend, heal his hurts and pains, calm his fears and soothe his body and soul. Please give him peace and rest and healing. I know You are showering him with Your love and grace and mercy, just as You shower me with the same. He is Your child, too. I know You want to bless him as much as You want to bless all of Your children. Lord, whether brokenness or restoration, I submit our relationship to Your will. I know You have what is best for the two of us in Your mind and in Your plans. Your will be done, Lord.
Lord, I am ever grateful for Your gifts to me. Your son's sacrifice of His life on the cross is evidence of your unfailing love for me and all your children. I pray that my life will reflect You.
God is in Control
There's nothing that can distract a person from their misery quite as well as a worship event. I arrived at Lakeside last night a few minutes before 4 and was totally immersed in worshipping Jesus for the next 6 hours. Being together with my brothers and sisters in Christ is an experienced unequaled anywhere else. I sang, I danced, I yelled and screamed and jumped up and down with several hundred of my closest friends. There was a one hour break where I was able to rest and put my feet up but by the time the evening was over I could barely walk, least of all talk.
Gabriel and crew performed all my favorite songs, including Dress Us Up, Skeleton Bones, Love Came Down, the Old Rugged Cross and that other one at the end whose name escapes me right now. And by the crowds' reactions, they're not just my favorite songs either. I'm going to have to get myself a copy of the CD/DVD package.
This was all after an afternoon of hunting for a new home. I finally found one in the Loomis/Penryn area. It's in a huge house set on several heavily wooded acres. The room I am renting is larger than the living room in my current apartment. The bathroom is HUGE! One wall is all sinks and mirrors and 2 walls of closets. There is a deck off the sliding glass doors and the view includes 2 ponds and a swimming pool. I won't know what to do with myself in all that room. In Mexico a room that size would house at least 8 people.
Gabriel and crew performed all my favorite songs, including Dress Us Up, Skeleton Bones, Love Came Down, the Old Rugged Cross and that other one at the end whose name escapes me right now. And by the crowds' reactions, they're not just my favorite songs either. I'm going to have to get myself a copy of the CD/DVD package.
This was all after an afternoon of hunting for a new home. I finally found one in the Loomis/Penryn area. It's in a huge house set on several heavily wooded acres. The room I am renting is larger than the living room in my current apartment. The bathroom is HUGE! One wall is all sinks and mirrors and 2 walls of closets. There is a deck off the sliding glass doors and the view includes 2 ponds and a swimming pool. I won't know what to do with myself in all that room. In Mexico a room that size would house at least 8 people.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Benjamin
Dear Lord,
Please bless Benjamin Trung Duc Dang. This life is so hard and it is even harder when you are born 7 weeks early. Bless his parents with the strength and grace that will be necessary to raise this child. I know his parents love you and will bring little Benjamin up knowing you and loving you. Thank you for bringing Benjamin and Becky through his birth quickly, easily, happy and healthy. May Benjamin be a blessing to his family.
I ask all this in Jesus' precious and holy name.
Amen
Please bless Benjamin Trung Duc Dang. This life is so hard and it is even harder when you are born 7 weeks early. Bless his parents with the strength and grace that will be necessary to raise this child. I know his parents love you and will bring little Benjamin up knowing you and loving you. Thank you for bringing Benjamin and Becky through his birth quickly, easily, happy and healthy. May Benjamin be a blessing to his family.
I ask all this in Jesus' precious and holy name.
Amen
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Confirmation
Other stuff going on in my life. I'm feeling disconnected from Lakeside Church, not from God, just Lakeside. There are things going on there that I am still excited about but those will mostly be over by tomorrow evening. I will probably still attend Lakeside till my move is complete but then will try and find a church closer to my new home. I think the emotional disconnect started when I thought I was going to have a permanent relationship and I would be shifting to his church. I've heard of a good church in Auburn, maybe I will attend there. Lakeside, no matter how good the teaching and fellowship is getting too big. It's getting to be all about the music and showmanship and although it's not a bad thing, I want to focus more on God. I may still remain connected to Lakeside on a limited basis in order to stay in touch with missions but once I move away from here that will probably be the extent of my connection.
In preparing for the move I've been doing further cleaning in my room. I threw away and/or gave away a lot of the stuff that was sitting in boxes in my room. I have a lot of floor space this evening but that will be only temporary. Tomorrow I will be setting up my bike on the trainer In my room. I still can't carry it down the stairs to ride it yet and I want to get back on it again. I did all that in between my usual Saturday activities. I donated platelets this morning and this afternoon drove Marion and Sandra down to our friend Jeannene's bon voyage party. Jeannene and her family are moving to Texas at the end of the month.
Lord, please use this experience to help me grow more in love with you. I ask this in your son's name, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ because I know His sacrifice on the cross was for me. Thank you Lord, you are good.
In preparing for the move I've been doing further cleaning in my room. I threw away and/or gave away a lot of the stuff that was sitting in boxes in my room. I have a lot of floor space this evening but that will be only temporary. Tomorrow I will be setting up my bike on the trainer In my room. I still can't carry it down the stairs to ride it yet and I want to get back on it again. I did all that in between my usual Saturday activities. I donated platelets this morning and this afternoon drove Marion and Sandra down to our friend Jeannene's bon voyage party. Jeannene and her family are moving to Texas at the end of the month.
Lord, please use this experience to help me grow more in love with you. I ask this in your son's name, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ because I know His sacrifice on the cross was for me. Thank you Lord, you are good.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Grace
Holy God, let us know You for the extravagant God You are. Let us embrace Your grace fully and lean not at all on our own acts and righteousness. Let us conduct ourselves in the gratitude and freedom of Your outrageous love, rather than in fear of not being good enough. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
This prayer ended the daily devotional I received this morning from Proverbs 31 Ministries. There was a passage in that devotional that smacked me right between the eyes, "In the darkest moments of error, it was fear, not relief or gratitude that flooded me. Having grown up in the church and heard the message of grace for years, it had become a well-worn rut in my mind. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, we are saved by grace. But I was operating by fear rather than in freedom, because I was leaning on myself."
Lord, it is the cry of my heart that I learn to depend upon You and not myself for my righteousness. This past weekend has been all about prayer and communication with You. Teach me how to draw closer to You. I pray this in Your son's precious name so that You may be praised and glorified.
This prayer ended the daily devotional I received this morning from Proverbs 31 Ministries. There was a passage in that devotional that smacked me right between the eyes, "In the darkest moments of error, it was fear, not relief or gratitude that flooded me. Having grown up in the church and heard the message of grace for years, it had become a well-worn rut in my mind. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, we are saved by grace. But I was operating by fear rather than in freedom, because I was leaning on myself."
Lord, it is the cry of my heart that I learn to depend upon You and not myself for my righteousness. This past weekend has been all about prayer and communication with You. Teach me how to draw closer to You. I pray this in Your son's precious name so that You may be praised and glorified.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Prayer
This may sound a little funny but I have both this blog and a journal where I write with pencil and paper. I'm not very consistent about writing in either one but I am learning to enjoy it more and more. Right now I have started an entry in my paper journal and then logged on here to write more. Strange, isn't it? Usually the subjects in the two journals are a little different, they overlap in that they both address what is going on in my spiritual life as well as what I am physically doing. My blog just has a missions slant more often. Today I think the subjects will end up being much more alike than they usually are.
Some days I doubt myself. Most days I doubt myself. I doubt quite often that my faith is really what it should be, some days I am convinced that I am not where I should be in my walk with Christ. I struggle with whether or not I am obedient enough to God's call in my life. My friends tell me they believe I am a strong Christian woman, that they see evidence of deep faith in my life. My small group leader always compliments my knowledge of the Bible, especially the New Testament. But knowledge and actions are not enough. What matters is what is deep down in my heart, what matters is how much I love the Lord, my God, and how obedient I am to Him. And this is where I fear I fall short.
Intellectually I know that this is just Satan whispering in my ear. I know he wants me to be insecure and to doubt my salvation. But sometimes it grips me and shakes me and won't let me go. He preys on my feelings of inadequacy and my insecurities. He sends little tendrils of thoughts into my head that ask, "Why does God love me? What makes me worthy of such an awesome gift?" I know that there is nothing I can say or do to make me worthy of God's gift of His redemptive grace. I know He loves me just because He does. I know I have not had a successful relationship since my divorce because I don't feel as if I deserve one. I question the sanity of any man who would want to get involved with me. I see myself as damaged goods, no matter that the Lord sees me as perfect. The Lord made me the way I am with intention and purpose. There is a reason, that reason is for my good and the good of those in my life. I may never fully comprehend that or those reasons but that does not mean it does not exist.
In his message yesterday evening Pastor Brad was talking about prayer. The verses were Matthew 6:5-8. He asked some questions that I had never thought of before. He asked, "Do you ever tell God something He doesn't know?" He also asked, "Do our prayers ever change God's mind?' Brad also wanted to know, "Is it the prayer that is working or is it God working?" He also made reference to people who use prayer to instruct others within earshot. "Dear Lord, please bring my son a nice girl, not like that one he's currently dating!" LOL (That's not my prayer, that's the example Brad used. I like Jen.)
So, if God already knows everything and we can't change His mind and we really know our prayers will not have any effect on whatever it is that we are praying about, then why pray at all? Why did Jesus tell us to pray? Why did He teach us in the manner which we are to pray? Do you want the answer to those questions? Go to Lakesidechurch.com and listen to Brad's message. He can say it so much better than I can. Okay, okay, here's a synopsis. We pray not because "prayer changes things" but because prayer changes us. It brings us into conversation with God and it lets us know that we trust Him with the secrets in our heart. God loves it when we express to Him our wants, needs and desires. Yes, He already knows them but He wants us to express them to Him. So from here on out I am going to attempt to use the blog and my written journal in a different manner. I am going to attempt to make them both prayers to my Lord and Savior, prayers from the deep recesses of my soul. We shall see how sucessful I am.
Some days I doubt myself. Most days I doubt myself. I doubt quite often that my faith is really what it should be, some days I am convinced that I am not where I should be in my walk with Christ. I struggle with whether or not I am obedient enough to God's call in my life. My friends tell me they believe I am a strong Christian woman, that they see evidence of deep faith in my life. My small group leader always compliments my knowledge of the Bible, especially the New Testament. But knowledge and actions are not enough. What matters is what is deep down in my heart, what matters is how much I love the Lord, my God, and how obedient I am to Him. And this is where I fear I fall short.
Intellectually I know that this is just Satan whispering in my ear. I know he wants me to be insecure and to doubt my salvation. But sometimes it grips me and shakes me and won't let me go. He preys on my feelings of inadequacy and my insecurities. He sends little tendrils of thoughts into my head that ask, "Why does God love me? What makes me worthy of such an awesome gift?" I know that there is nothing I can say or do to make me worthy of God's gift of His redemptive grace. I know He loves me just because He does. I know I have not had a successful relationship since my divorce because I don't feel as if I deserve one. I question the sanity of any man who would want to get involved with me. I see myself as damaged goods, no matter that the Lord sees me as perfect. The Lord made me the way I am with intention and purpose. There is a reason, that reason is for my good and the good of those in my life. I may never fully comprehend that or those reasons but that does not mean it does not exist.
In his message yesterday evening Pastor Brad was talking about prayer. The verses were Matthew 6:5-8. He asked some questions that I had never thought of before. He asked, "Do you ever tell God something He doesn't know?" He also asked, "Do our prayers ever change God's mind?' Brad also wanted to know, "Is it the prayer that is working or is it God working?" He also made reference to people who use prayer to instruct others within earshot. "Dear Lord, please bring my son a nice girl, not like that one he's currently dating!" LOL (That's not my prayer, that's the example Brad used. I like Jen.)
So, if God already knows everything and we can't change His mind and we really know our prayers will not have any effect on whatever it is that we are praying about, then why pray at all? Why did Jesus tell us to pray? Why did He teach us in the manner which we are to pray? Do you want the answer to those questions? Go to Lakesidechurch.com and listen to Brad's message. He can say it so much better than I can. Okay, okay, here's a synopsis. We pray not because "prayer changes things" but because prayer changes us. It brings us into conversation with God and it lets us know that we trust Him with the secrets in our heart. God loves it when we express to Him our wants, needs and desires. Yes, He already knows them but He wants us to express them to Him. So from here on out I am going to attempt to use the blog and my written journal in a different manner. I am going to attempt to make them both prayers to my Lord and Savior, prayers from the deep recesses of my soul. We shall see how sucessful I am.
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