Kody

I've been working diligently the last 4 weeks to bring Kody home to live with me.  First he had to get well and then we had to be sure he would be a good fit with the other residents of the house.  I finally got the phone call yesterday that Kody was well and could come home yesterday afternoon.  Everyone in the house loves him!  He is settling in well.  Praise the Lord!  Thank you, Lord!  I pray this is a blessing for everyone involved.

10 Gallons

I have a standing appointment every other Saturday morning to donate platelets at the local blood bank.  I have been questioned several times about why I do this, let's just say it's something I believe in and something I will do as often as I can until I'm told I can't any longer.  Anyways, I was looking down at the little slip of paper they gave me (I get one like it on every visit) that has all the little details they feel is important for me to have each visit.  This paper has phone numbers in case I get sick, my blood pressure, my blood type, all sorts of tidbits.  It also has the number of times I've donated.  When I commented on the number to the nurse she looked at it and said, "Yeah, your next visit will be your 10 gallon donation."

10 gallons?  I don't know about you but if I line 10 one gallon jugs of milk up in a line I think that's a lot of milk.  It was easy enough to do, I just sit in a chair for 90 minutes to 2 hours while I watch a movie.  They hook me up to a machine that does all the work.  I can see just about any movie I want and I don't have to pay $10.50 to see it.  Then they feed me.  What a deal! 

It saves lives everyday.  I have a friend whose life was saved by a platelet donation.  It's so easy to do I don't understand why more people don't do it (aside from medical restrictions and fear of needles).

I know why I do it, that's the important part for me.

5:30 already???

It's been a long night.  I tossed and turned for most of it.  I haven't been sleeping well, a lot on my mind.  I should be grateful that I have a warm and dry place to sleep.  Instead I am moaning and groaning about the fact that I am sleeping alone.  I am crying over the fact that I want to be married, not just a notch on some guy's belt.  I don't understand why I have this desire on my heart if everytime I get remotely close to that goal I get dumped.  And each successive time it gets worse and worse.  I love so deeply and completely that each breakup is like an amputation.  The pain is so intense, even after almost a month.  Is it any wonder I am afraid to admit that I love?  It's not his fault.  I am the defective one.

The other thing keeping me from sleep is excitement over Mexico.  By this time next week 10 families will have new homes.  That is approximately 40 - 50 people we will be impacting for the Lord!  A huge opportunity to share God's love and grace and mercy.  I just hope that I am up for the task.  I don't know why I am nervous, I've done this so many times before.  I know I just need to relax and let God work through me.

Thank you, Lord, for Your faithfulness.  Even in the midst of my pain and misery I can find joy in serving You.  Fill my life so that there is no more room for all that pain and misery.  Help me keep my focus on You and Your desires for me rather than my wishes and desires for myself.  I know that You always want the best for me while I may not always know what that is.  I submit to Your will, O Lord.  Show me the path You desire for me to walk. 

Lord, please also watch over my family and those whom I love.  Please keep them safe, healthy and happy.  Watch over them as they go about their days.  Give them love and joy in whatever form You choose to bestow upon them.  Give them great jobs, great relationships and most of all, give them hearts that hunger after You.  I feel free to ask this of You because I know of Your love for me and my loved ones.  You sent Your only son, Jesus, to die on the cross so that we may be reconciled to You.  What a wonderous gift!

My new home

So I just spent a large portion of this evening up at my new place chatting with my new landlord.  I am so excited, I am moving in on Saturday!  Dorothy was telling me about how she found the place and how she fell in love with it right away.  She knew she just had to have it.  Her husband was very ill so he didn't get to live there very long but she's lived there for 15 years.  It's a huge place and she keeps it up with the help of her son and grandson.  I'll have my own private entrance and my deck is fenced off so that I can keep the dog there, and in my room.  There's a creek, 2 ponds and a swimming pool.  I can see all of them from my deck.

Dorothy is also a Christian.  She was telling me this evening how she came to know Christ.  You could see the joy radiating off her face.  She has a sweet, sweet smile.  She told me I will find peace there, peace and happiness.  I believe her.  I left there over an hour ago and I can still feel the peace that seeped into my soul as we visited this evening. 

And of course, the walls in her home are covered with her paintings.  Like me she finds simple joy in colors.  She has hundreds of books on painting she has told me to feel free to peruse.  It will be a joy.

I believe God led me to the perfect place for rest and healing.  In no time at all I should feel refreshed and renewed and ready to take on the world again, but I believe I am going to hold onto this place as my little sanctuary.  I know God and I will be sharing many joyous hours there.

Rainy Days and Sundays

Today I should have been packing for my move.  Instead I spent most of the day working on a painting I started 4 weeks ago.  As a matter of fact, I started it on the day I first knew there was a problem between Wayne and I.  I had been suspecting it for some time but that day I knew.  I was considering not finishing it because it holds terrible memories of Wayne for me but right now I am rather glad I've been working on it.  It looks rather nice.  It has some good colors in it and some blending that looks really nice.  I'm probably going to have to sell it when I'm done but that's okay. 

Yesterday was blood platelet donation day, also the only time I ever weigh myself.  I do that deliberately so I don't obsess over the numbers on the scale.  I was down from 171 pounds to 166.  That's 5 pounds in 2 weeks, just a tad too fast.  But it does put me at a BMI of 25.2 and 25.0 is consider a "normal" weight.  Now if I can just keep up the good eating habits and not revert back I should be okay.

I also took a long walk in the rain yesterday.  I walked from my apartment to the site where I crashed my bike, about 4 miles each way.  Hmmm, somewhere I had the idea it was 5 but I just recalculated, it's 4, maybe a little bit more but not a whole lot.  I had my big polka dot umbrella, I love the sound the rain makes on my umbrella, and on the path and the trees and bushes and river and...

As I was crossing the river I watched the fish under the water like I did last week.  The difference yesterday was that the fish were jumping.  I saw some pretty good sized fish, too.  I was thinking about how last week I wanted to jump from the bridge.  My life was so painful I didn't want to go on.  Well, I still wanted to jump this week but not as badly as I did last week.  That's progress, right?  I have more joy in my life this week than I did last.  Not as much as I did a month ago when I was still with Wayne but I am working my way back to happy and joyful again.  I've prayed and prayed for the Lord to either restore our relationship or get that man out of my head.  So far, neither one has happened. 

Well, I need to go to sleep now if I'm going to work tomorrow.  The herbs are still doing their trick, as a matter of fact I am sleeping better and better each night.  That contributes to the joy returning to my life as well.  I would have stayed in bed all day today if I'd had someone to cuddle with.  Rainy days are good for that.

John 15:1-4

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.  You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.  Remain in me, and I will remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.  Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."

God has a purpose for my life.  I'm not quite sure what it is yet because I have let my life get in the way.  I've been too focused on myself to be able to hear the still, small voice of God.  Even the things I believed He put into my life got in the way of listening to Him.  Now it's time to clean out my life of all that extra stuff.  That means not only cleaning out my closets and drawers but also paring away the relationships in my life that are pulling me down.  Some of them are very dear to me but they are toxic, they are causing me a great deal of pain and anguish and therefore must go.  This is not an arbitrary clean-up.  Some of these relationships have been around for years and I have expended a great deal of time and energy witnessing to them.  But it's very possible that I am not supposed to be the one to bring in that harvest.  Other relationships have been shorter in term but just as precious to me.  I need to cut them loose now so that I can clear noise between God and myself.

I'm not going to name names here or point fingers.  Let's just say that if you have dropped out of my life in the past several weeks or if you find yourself dropping out of my life in the next few weeks you may want to consider looking for those divine pruning shears.  (It doesn't matter whether it was your your idea, my idea or someone else's idea, it was all God's idea.)  To some of you I hope that God reintroduces us again in the future.  To others, I am glad to see your backside.  I will leave it to you to figure out which group you belong in.

Wow!

Can you tell I am more "back to normal?"  I am down to only one or two posts per day now.  Praise God!  The tears are all but gone and the heartache is fast disappearing.  Time to get on with my life.

This time in 2 weeks I will be in Mexico.  Hmmm, let's see, 8:50 Friday morning, we'll probably be getting our build assignments for the day, meeting the families we are building for and doing any last minute loading of the trucks.  I'm getting excited...

an interesting phenomenom has occured

Yesterday I wrote a letter to Wayne and mailed it.  The letter apologized for my bad behavior while we were seeing each other and for not respecting him enough and being too controlling when we were together.  It also apologized for not sharing things with him that I think he had a right to know.  I told him what steps I am taking to correct my behavior and asked him if we could be friends again.  Because that's what I miss most of all is his friendship.  I do have a history of being friends with ex-boyfriends so I didn't think I was too out of line.  Anyway, I mailed the letter to his PO Box so if I get a response it may take a month or more.  He once told me he only checks his box about once a month.  I did tell him in the letter I would be happy with one 15 minute phone call per week.  Well, maybe not happy but satisfied.  And I meant every word, still do.  Then I went home last night and sobbed my heart out. 

I got up this morning and put on a dress.  It is a short dress, with a V-neck that shows my cleavage, one I was planning on wearing for Wayne the next time I saw him, he used to like looking at my cleavage.  It's not too short to wear to work as it hits a couple of inches above my knees, but I do have to watch how I sit when I'm wearing it.  Anyway, all that aside, I also put on a little make up and styled my freshly cut hair.  I put on a pair of cute little sandals and ran out to my car since I was running late to work.  But I didn't run so fast that I missed noticing I attracted a little male attention.

I got to work and, as usual for the last couple of weeks, was struggling with the grief and sadness.  One reason for putting on make up was so that I would not succumb to tears today.  That was early this morning.  A little later today I noticed a little more male attention around the office.  And even more as I wandered the aisles at Safeway for lunch.  And as I got back to the office after lunch I noticed that, for right now at least, I was not overwhelmingly sad anymore.  I have no desire to cry.  Now, that may change again in the next 10 minutes but for right now that's a good thing.  I believe it means I'm beginning to fall a little bit out of love with him.  That doesn't mean I don't still love him, because I do.  It means I am not in love with him, or at least on the way to not being in love with him.  I am not infatuated with him, I am not obsessed with him, I simply love him.  I believe this is a good thing.

What happens if he gets my letter and decides he wants to try and be friends?  That's a good thing, I still miss him and would like to be friends with him.  Does that preclude any romantic relationship in the future?  Eh, maybe, maybe not.  I am still very much sexually attracted to him (why I cannot fathom) and would still very much like to explore that (maybe because he's undiscovered territory).  No, I don't want sex with him, I want to make love with him.  Personally, I think relationships are best when built on a firm foundation of friendship, but then again, I've never had a romantic relationship last longer than 4 years.  Meanwhile, if I attract the attention of another man I wouldn't turn down a date.  I'm just not sure I want another romantic relationship right now, if ever.

Healing

I've spent most of the last three days blogging on a seperate blog about my past.  I wanted to examine my "family of origin" and determine why I make such bad choices in my life.  I wrote about my childhood all the way through my latest relationship with Wayne.  One thing I learned from what I wrote and from what I left out is that my family is very toxic to me, extremely toxic!  I grew up being verbally and emotionally abused.  I was beaten and ridiculed.  Even today my mother and my children treat me with disrespect and they put me down at every opportunity they can.  I am not sure my mother realizes she treats me that way but I know my children do.  My mother treats me the way she was treated as she was growing up.  I don't think I treated my children that way but I do think they learned to treat me the way they saw others treat me.  Moving out of my son's apartment will be the best thing I have ever done for myself.  I need to learn to value myself before I kill myself.   

In addition, almost every relationship that I have ever had in my life has been toxic.  So much so that I do not know how to behave when I get into a healthy relationship.  I guess I am to remain single for the rest of my life, I don't do healthy relationships and I don't want another toxic one.

Whew!

My life broken down into 6 long posts.  I am finally seeing some patterns and some causes for my behavior and way of thinking.  Hopefully I can use this as a tool to ensure any future relationships are better and stronger.  I can use this as a tool for my personal growth.

I have some peace within me now.  My soul is not so frantic anymore.  Maybe I can sleep.

The perimenopause herbs are helping with that, too.

another blog

I have started another blog, this one is extremely private.  I am doing some family of origin work.  I am writing frankly and in great detail about my past.  It is quite painful, even worse than ripping a band aid off a sore.  Hopefully it will be of benefit to me.

confusion

It fascinates me how I can be so sad and broken-hearted over the loss of a relationship and yet so full of the joy of the Lord at the same time. 
As I greeted friends and fellow worshippers at church last night I was serving the Lord.  I know He wants my life to be joyous and I can feel His joy inside me.  As I sang and worshipped and lifted my hands to Him I could feel His peace and joy bubbling up inside of me, alongside of the pain and loneliness that has taken deep root inside my heart. 

As I drove home from Stockton the past 2 days I was so exhausted I almost fell asleep behind the wheel (multiple times).  I thought that if I crashed and died I would be going home to Jesus and there would be no more pain.  But a crash would not be a guarantee of death and Jesus obviously isn't finished with me yet.  My Lakeside friends are the only ones who act as if they love me and care for me and I was willing to give them all up for a man.  I must be crazy and/or pathetic or very deeply in love.  I give up, Lord, this is all too much for me.

healer by hillsong

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

Pre-Chorus:

I trust in You
I trust in You

Chorus:

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

[Repeat Verse]

[Repeat Pre-Chorus}

[Chorus]

Bridge:

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

[Repeat]

[Chorus]

herbal remedies

You wanna hear something?  Promise not to laugh?  Seriously, I'm really sensitive and hate it when people laugh at me, laughing with me is okay but don't laugh at me, okay?

Okay, here goes...

I've been exceptionally emotional lately...



You promised not to laugh...



Are you still laughing?  This is starting to get old...

Okay, here's the deal.  I am perimenopausal (pre-menopausal).  Hey! I'm a 52 year old woman, that's not unexpected.  I've been having some hot flashes off and on over the past several months.  I had some last spring and then they went away and about a month ago they started up again.  What I didn't realize, silly me, is how severely my emotions would be effected at the same time.  Looking back I can see how they have been effected for several months now.  It's just that at the time I believed I was having difficulties adjusting to my broken wrist and my recovery process, the stress at home, the stress at work, you name it.  In retrospect, I can see the mood swings began before then.  I'm usually a pretty laid-back person, not given to a whole lot of extreme emotion except in times of great stress.  I was different in the past but I have been working on not being a hot-tempered bitch and I felt I had that under control.  But there have been several major stressors in my life recently and I have not reacted well to any of them.  In the past I have taken the termination of a relationship hard but not quite as hard as I am taking this one.  I think that's for 2 reasons, 1)  I didn't have the same emotional investment in those previous relationships and 2) I wasn't peri-menopause at those times. 

I have not slept more than 2 or 3 hours a night for the last 2 weeks.  A great deal of that is attributable to the breakup but I've been doing some reading on perimenopause and boy did I have a lot to learn.  Hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, irritability, anxiety, craving sweets and/or carbs, heart palpitations, fuzzy thinking, headaches and insomnia are only some of the perimenopause symptoms I have been experiencing.  That explains a lot.  It explains why my behavior was running away with me, it explains why I haven't been sleeping, it explains why I have been crying for hours and hours.  Once I figured that out I needed to find out what to do about it.

I started an herbal remedy a couple of days ago.  It's not hormone replacement therapy and it's all natural (I despise taking medications.)  Anyways, I am already seeing relief of some of my symptoms.  I am not having as many hot flashes and my mood is much more mellow, the irritability and mood swings are disappearing.  And I slept well last night.  And since it's 11:30 now and I need to be up by 8 tomorrow morning I think I'm going to sign off for now and see if I can sleep.  I have a lot more I want to write about, a lot of stuff happened today, some good, some bad, some I want to write down so I can think about it.

Proverbs 16:9

I am so excited.  At lunchtime today (in a few minutes) I go to the bank and get my deposit money for my new place.  I've been projecting my income and expenses for the next few paychecks and I am tight but manageable.  Phew!

As for Proverbs up there.  After my visions last night I've been considering how it will all work out considering recent events.  But then I get this Bible verse this morning: "The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps." --Proverbs 16:9.  Okay, I'll stop worrying on it.  God will make it happen, if He wants it to happen it will and no one can stop it.

So, I've mused about leaving Lakeside.  Originally I thought it was because of the relationship I was involved in but now I know that there is a disconnect between my heart and Lakeside so I will be leaving anyway.  Today I've been considering whether I am supposed to be continuing working at my job.  For some reason I am emotionally disconnecting from here as well.  Now the disconnect at work could be because I am full of rage and depression over the break-up of my relationship.  I am going to try to work through and process that so that I don't make any hasty decisions.  And I will pray that I don't punch out my supervisor while I'm sorting.  LOL, just kidding, I'm not violent.  Financially speaking it might or might not be a blessing to leave here.  I have made 50% more than I am making now but that was in San Francisco.  Also, annual raises are due November 1st.  I haven't had one yet and I've been here for 2 years.  I'm wondering what kind of raise they're planning on giving me, if they're giving me one.  Maybe that will be the confirmation whether or not I'm supposed to leave.

Meanwhile, I am just going on with my life.  I am moving just as I've been planning since Rob and I had that huge fight last spring.  I am making adjustments and changes to be ready for whenever the Lord calls me to do whatever it is He wants me to do.  (See paragraph above, I think its all related.)  I have already had a couple of leads on good churches in the Auburn and Rocklin areas.  And with a painter for a landlord I just may sink deeper into my painting.  Living out on 5 acres will give me the peace I need to paint and it will also give me fresh air.  Okay, there I was thinking about my current neighbors and how much they smoke.  It drifts through my bedroom window all day and night so that I either have to keep my window closed (claustrophobic) or use air freshener every day. 

Thank You, Lord, for my life.  It's not exactly turning out how I envisioned it would but I know it's turning out according to Your plans.  That is sufficient for me.

Random Thoughts

Your love is outrageous
You Know I've never known anything like your love
never known anything like your love
it's outrageous
I've never known anything like your love
never known anyhting like your love...

that song is going through my head over and over this morning.

Hmmm, had a vision last night, trying to see how it will work out considering the present circumstances.  Oh well, God has it under control.

Benefits of fasting, other than the communion and communication with God...

1. weight loss, I haven't stepped on a scale but I feel skinnier
2. the dark circles under my eyes from my milk allergies have cleared up as have my sinuses
3. my hot flashes are lessening

Benefit of not having a relationship right now, I have more time with God.  In my opinion, that's the only benefit. 

I wonder if Dorothy will let me have a dog?

Your love is outrageous...

Answered Prayer

Well, my three day fast is complete and I have the answer to my prayer.  This evening as I was praying and breaking my fast I felt an incredible peace and joy.  It was as if God was wrapping His arms around me and holding me close.  I am going to choose contentment. 

God closes doors no man can open and God opens doors no man can shut.  Which one will this be?

Psalm 27:14

Dear Lord,

I heard You speak to me this morning.  Thank You for the answer to my prayer.  I will be patient and wait as long as You want me to.  I know Your plans are better for me than any I can devise for myself.  I will submit to Your will. 

Thank You also for this three day fast.  As it winds down to a close I find myself wanting to stay in Your presence.  I know I can do that and still eat but this has been a special time.  Please Lord, restore the things in my life that You will restore and remove from my life anything that will distract me from You. 

Lord, please also bless my friends, family and loved ones.  They are all very special to me and I know they are also your children.  You love them even more than I do, immeasureably more.

Thank You for the life of Your son.  I have come to appreciate the sacrifice You made for us when You allowed Jesus to give His life in payment of our sins.  I can never hope to be worthy of such a sacrifice.

--Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!      
--Psalm 27:14

More Prayer

Dear Lord,

Please help me keep my focus on you during this time of prayer and fasting.  My mind wanders and drifts.  It keep returning to dig at my pain.  I want to focus on You, Lord.  I want to focus on Your will for my life.  In want to focus on the joy You will bring me when I follow Your will. 

Lord, I am so unworthy.  I am a sinner, I need Your grace and mercy.  Please bless me with Your righteousness, without it I am doomed.  I am such a hypocrite, Lord.  I put my relationship ahead of You, I made him my god because I made not being alone my god.  I am so tired of being alone. Lord.  I am sio tired of being lonely, I stumbled, I sinned against You.  I am so sorry.  Lord, if I could change my behavior, I would.  If there was something I could do to make it up to You, I would.  But I  know there is no way for me, a sinner, to earn Your favor.  I need Your love and grace and mercy.  I need Your forgiveness.  Lord, I submit to Your will.  Please show me Your will.

Lord, I also pray for health and healing of my loved ones.  I pray for Becky and little Benjamin.  I pray for my parents and my children.  I pray for their physical and mental wholeness and happiness.  Lord, I pray for my friends.  I pray that they know You and walk in close communion with You.  Lord, You know all the prayers of my heart, even those I cannot put voice to.  Please Lord, grant me these petitions. 

Fasting

I've been reading a lot about fasting lately.  Fasting for detoxing the body and fasting for a spiritual breakthrough.  It seems to me that the diets are similar.  I've been planning on fasting for spiritual reasons lately, the detox and weight loss benefits only seem to add to the reasons for doing it.  I did sort of an informal fast today, not for the whole day but I drank plenty of liquids all day and did not eat at all until dinner this evening at which time I ate 3 small slices of pizza.  I probably would not have eaten then but I was out with my daughter and she wanted dinner. 

Not eating was not as difficult as I thought it would be.  I am going to eat tomorrow because I have a blood donation appointment Saturday morning and then I will eat after my appointment on Saturday afternoon but starting Sunday I am considering starting a longer fast. 

I also have a party to attend on Saturday afternoon.  I'm driving two, maybe three friends down to Lockeford and we will be visiting with some friends who are on the brink of moving to Texas.  I am going to miss Jeannene.  She has a huge heart for the Lord and is an awesome prayer warrior.  I met her through my friend Cherie at our Beautiful Believers Breakfast Club. 

I will be journaling my thoughts on fasting here as I go through this process.  God seems to be stripping away everything in my life that is coming between Him and me.  I need to sit up and pay attention.  I need to draw closer to Him.  I look forward to this journey.