Kody

I've been working diligently the last 4 weeks to bring Kody home to live with me.  First he had to get well and then we had to be sure he would be a good fit with the other residents of the house.  I finally got the phone call yesterday that Kody was well and could come home yesterday afternoon.  Everyone in the house loves him!  He is settling in well.  Praise the Lord!  Thank you, Lord!  I pray this is a blessing for everyone involved.

What A Week! - Part 4

If you read my posts about my trip to Mexico it sounds like it was a very secular trip.  I made very little mention of the spiritual side of the trip other than morning devotions and Eddie and Brandon's messages in the morning.  And I know I even made Brandon's sound like a commercial interruption.  That really isn't the case.  Right after breakfast on Friday and Saturday mornings we all filed into the big meeting room upstairs and had a time of worship.  Eddie gives us a hard time about paying attention to the lyrics we are singing but he does join in with us.  Ever since he started doing that I have been paying attention.  If you sing, "break my heart for what breaks yours" to Jesus you better mean it.  In my opinion, worship is prayer set to music.  It is a conversation with God and you shouldn't sing something you don't mean.

Our days in Mexico are filled with prayer.  We pray as we get to the site, we pray once we meet the families and are ready to build, we pray before our lunch and we pray with the families as we close our time with them.  Some of these prayers are quite touching.  I remember one build where we were all sobbing before the end.  Sometimes the families pray with us, sometimes they pray for us.  It is always a very special time. 

Eddie's main purpose for Mexico Caravan Ministries is, surprisingly enough, not home building.  He says, and I know he's right, that these homes will get built with or without MCM.  Eddie runs MCM to introduce people to missions and to get them passionate about missions.  The student interns that serve at MCM usually end up going into long term overseas missions.  Quite often when we are down there we hear of a staff member's plans and choose to support them in their plans.  There is a ministry that Eddie works with a lot and several staff members have gone there.  This ministry is called New Tribes and they have a school back east somewhere.  That is the ministry the Buser family all trained for missions with and who now supports the Busers in Papua New Guinea (administrative support).  I know of at least one former staff member who is going to school at their college and a couple more who are applying. 

One of the staff, a young man who looks as if he would be more interested in surfing than missionary work is planning to study endangered animals in his target country.  This is a closed country and the only way to be a missionary there is to be invited because you have a skill set needed by that country.  This particular country has several endangered species of animals.  Here is a young kid, barely in his 20's, who is willing to risk his life preaching the Good News in a Muslim country.  His passion for Christ overwhelms me.  His strength and trust in Jesus is amazing.  I am shamed by my lack of motivation when I was his age.  I knew I wanted to be a missionary, I just listened to people who told me that a single woman could not be a missionary.  Shoulda, woulda, coulda, no use crying over the past, it's the future I need to work on...

I returned from Mexico exhausted, physically and emotionally.  I usually call my trips to Mexico my "attitude adjustment trips" because I return refreshed, renewed and recommitted to doing the Lord's work.  I was feeling as if this trip, due to circumstances before the trip, did not refresh, renew or recommit me.  I have been feeling like I am in the middle of a nervous breakdown.  I have been under a great deal of stress and barely sleeping even at home in my own bed.  Let's see, what could be contributing to that?  Peri-menopause?  the end of my relationship with Wayne? living with and finally moving away from my son?  Those are all good candidates.  I tried going out on a date on Tuesday after my return.  I want to get over Wayne so I thought jumping into dating again was the answer.  No, that only made me feel worse.  I behaved terribly on that date.  I shamed myself.  Fortunately, I had a ticket for the Women of Faith conference on Friday and Saturday at the Arco Arena.  My best friend, her daughter and I spent two entire days there.  I listened to the speakers and bought a few books.  My friend told me I needed to take 18 months off from dating to grieve the loss of my relationship with Wayne.  (18 months? really?) Okay Lord, if You say so.

On Sunday I slept in till almost 1 in the afternoon.  Then I got up, cooked a pan of lasagna for the office pot luck and another for the house.  Then I went upstairs and started unpacking boxes and hanging pictures.  I sorted through a lot of junk and started hanging pictures.  Here's some pictures of my room I took this morning...

Please excuse my unmade bed.  I just wanted to show how my home is beginning to turn into a sanctuary for me.  A place where I can spend time with the Lord and be relaxed and at peace.  The table and chairs in the corner is where I paint.  I was painting yesterday evening and early this morning.  My painting is a gift from the Lord.  He and I have many conversations as I put brush to paper and these last couple of days have been no exception.  Several of the pictures and paintings on the walls are my work, or I should say, the Lord's work, as I believe He flows through my brushes as I paint. 

I was feeling as if my attitude hadn't been adjusted on my trip to Mexico.  Now I know that I wasn't paying attention.  God has been speaking to me, I just have had too much noise in my head to hear what He was trying to say.  Through the speakers over the weekend, the new books I purchased and spending time with Him I have been filled with His love and peace.  Everytime I have done this in the past disaster has fallen on my life so I realize I am inviting disaster again but I am rededicating my life to the Lord.  It is His to do with as He pleases.  If I am to take these 18 months off from dating, I will.  If I am to remain single for the rest of my life, I will.  If I am to return to school to pursue my degree, I will.  I promise to listen to the Lord to the best of my ability and live my life for Him.

O Lord, please guide my steps and my life, guide my will and my thoughts.  Show me, O Lord, the path you desire for me to walk.  Please forgive my sins and help me to renew my relationship with You.  I ask this in the name of Your son, Jesus, who came and died for me so that I might be reconciled with You.  Amen

Mexico

What an awesome trip!  We finally got home about 6:30, oops! 5:30 Sunday evening.  There was a time change in there somewhere.  I went straight to bed and even slept Monday evening after work.  I had a date last night, (my first post-Wayne) and so probably won't be able to blog about Mexico till Thursday (Bible study tonight).  Besides, I'm still processing a lot of stuff...

God is an awesome God!

5:30 already???

It's been a long night.  I tossed and turned for most of it.  I haven't been sleeping well, a lot on my mind.  I should be grateful that I have a warm and dry place to sleep.  Instead I am moaning and groaning about the fact that I am sleeping alone.  I am crying over the fact that I want to be married, not just a notch on some guy's belt.  I don't understand why I have this desire on my heart if everytime I get remotely close to that goal I get dumped.  And each successive time it gets worse and worse.  I love so deeply and completely that each breakup is like an amputation.  The pain is so intense, even after almost a month.  Is it any wonder I am afraid to admit that I love?  It's not his fault.  I am the defective one.

The other thing keeping me from sleep is excitement over Mexico.  By this time next week 10 families will have new homes.  That is approximately 40 - 50 people we will be impacting for the Lord!  A huge opportunity to share God's love and grace and mercy.  I just hope that I am up for the task.  I don't know why I am nervous, I've done this so many times before.  I know I just need to relax and let God work through me.

Thank you, Lord, for Your faithfulness.  Even in the midst of my pain and misery I can find joy in serving You.  Fill my life so that there is no more room for all that pain and misery.  Help me keep my focus on You and Your desires for me rather than my wishes and desires for myself.  I know that You always want the best for me while I may not always know what that is.  I submit to Your will, O Lord.  Show me the path You desire for me to walk. 

Lord, please also watch over my family and those whom I love.  Please keep them safe, healthy and happy.  Watch over them as they go about their days.  Give them love and joy in whatever form You choose to bestow upon them.  Give them great jobs, great relationships and most of all, give them hearts that hunger after You.  I feel free to ask this of You because I know of Your love for me and my loved ones.  You sent Your only son, Jesus, to die on the cross so that we may be reconciled to You.  What a wonderous gift!

True Intimacy

Posted by a friend of mine on Facebook today.  This is what I am looking for.  This is what I thought I had.

Intimacy is the defining point of when God says "one flesh" and to "cleave" to one another. The physical intimacy is something anyone can give, it is simply the union of the body. It is the union of the spirit that true intimacy gives.The knowledge of each other and desiring to not just be a part, but a whole, complete in that knowledge.

Where the responses are instant and deep, true and honest, transparent and clear, where the joy is complete in one to the other.

That when they enter the room a light shines in your soul.

You long for their touch, to hear their voice, to find comfort in their nearness and oneness in their presence. To be filled with an ecstacy that transcends the physical, to place of oneness that can not be described — but only felt. Where the laughter is often, and the tears few. Where each mile together is a journey of joy, and truly you are only a single sojourner together, inseparable, one. When you look into each others eyes you see the brilliance and fire of who they are, and are humbled that they have chosen you to share life with, to share those secret places together, and become part of the melody of their hearts.

You become each others song.

The physical becomes a unity of pleasure, not in and of the act, but in and of the lack of boundaries, of overcoming the separation ,and coming together in a harmony of joy that sex is just an empty shadow of in comparison. Where the act of just "being" is so intensely sweet, that it can only be held for a moment in time, but an eternity in memory. The two become one, fused in a bond of love that reaches the throne of heaven.

When you have true intimacy you have found a treasure beyond hope, a gift beyond price, and joy beyond what the heart can hold.

In that, never let go....

Thank you Jonathan Payne, those are beautiful words.

God is faithful, He has plans for me, maybe not the ones I believed He had for me but good plans nonetheless. Plans that don't involve a man who doesn't have the balls to call me up and say, "I'm breaking up with you because..." Plans that don't involve a man too afraid to be my friend even after the romance is over.  Plans that involve a true Christian man.  Plans that do involve a man with a spine.  Plans to prosper and not harm me.  I can't wait to find out what those plans are.

Faithfulness

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

This morning I have this song running on a loop inside my brain.  A large choir is singing it, something like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  It is a large sound, booming yet joyous, something like this video I just found on YouTube...

My new home

So I just spent a large portion of this evening up at my new place chatting with my new landlord.  I am so excited, I am moving in on Saturday!  Dorothy was telling me about how she found the place and how she fell in love with it right away.  She knew she just had to have it.  Her husband was very ill so he didn't get to live there very long but she's lived there for 15 years.  It's a huge place and she keeps it up with the help of her son and grandson.  I'll have my own private entrance and my deck is fenced off so that I can keep the dog there, and in my room.  There's a creek, 2 ponds and a swimming pool.  I can see all of them from my deck.

Dorothy is also a Christian.  She was telling me this evening how she came to know Christ.  You could see the joy radiating off her face.  She has a sweet, sweet smile.  She told me I will find peace there, peace and happiness.  I believe her.  I left there over an hour ago and I can still feel the peace that seeped into my soul as we visited this evening. 

And of course, the walls in her home are covered with her paintings.  Like me she finds simple joy in colors.  She has hundreds of books on painting she has told me to feel free to peruse.  It will be a joy.

I believe God led me to the perfect place for rest and healing.  In no time at all I should feel refreshed and renewed and ready to take on the world again, but I believe I am going to hold onto this place as my little sanctuary.  I know God and I will be sharing many joyous hours there.

WooHoo!!!

Okay, here's the thing, I spoke with Dorothy (my new landlady) this afternoon.  I get to move in over the weekend even thought the first isn't actually till Monday.  That will give me plenty of time to get settled before I leave for Mexico on Thursday morning. 

This is my Happy Dance.  What? You can't see it?  That's probably a good thing...