Random Thoughts

Your love is outrageous
You Know I've never known anything like your love
never known anything like your love
it's outrageous
I've never known anything like your love
never known anyhting like your love...

that song is going through my head over and over this morning.

Hmmm, had a vision last night, trying to see how it will work out considering the present circumstances.  Oh well, God has it under control.

Benefits of fasting, other than the communion and communication with God...

1. weight loss, I haven't stepped on a scale but I feel skinnier
2. the dark circles under my eyes from my milk allergies have cleared up as have my sinuses
3. my hot flashes are lessening

Benefit of not having a relationship right now, I have more time with God.  In my opinion, that's the only benefit. 

I wonder if Dorothy will let me have a dog?

Your love is outrageous...

Answered Prayer

Well, my three day fast is complete and I have the answer to my prayer.  This evening as I was praying and breaking my fast I felt an incredible peace and joy.  It was as if God was wrapping His arms around me and holding me close.  I am going to choose contentment. 

God closes doors no man can open and God opens doors no man can shut.  Which one will this be?

Psalm 27:14

Dear Lord,

I heard You speak to me this morning.  Thank You for the answer to my prayer.  I will be patient and wait as long as You want me to.  I know Your plans are better for me than any I can devise for myself.  I will submit to Your will. 

Thank You also for this three day fast.  As it winds down to a close I find myself wanting to stay in Your presence.  I know I can do that and still eat but this has been a special time.  Please Lord, restore the things in my life that You will restore and remove from my life anything that will distract me from You. 

Lord, please also bless my friends, family and loved ones.  They are all very special to me and I know they are also your children.  You love them even more than I do, immeasureably more.

Thank You for the life of Your son.  I have come to appreciate the sacrifice You made for us when You allowed Jesus to give His life in payment of our sins.  I can never hope to be worthy of such a sacrifice.

--Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!      
--Psalm 27:14

Day 3

Good Morning Lord,

Thank You for this beautiful day.  It is still dark outside but I know it came from You so it will be awesome.  Thank You for the sleep I did manage last night, it refreshed me enough to go on with this day.  Thank You for my job, it enables me to take care of myself and contribute to Your kingdom.  Thank You for my friends and family, even those who have no use for me anymore.  What's up with my sister anyway?  Are you knocking at her heart's door?  Thank You for little Benjamin Dang, Please help him grow strong.

Thank You for Your care and provision.  As You know, this is day 3 of my fast.  I don't know why You asked for three days but I am finding it to be an eye-opening experience.  I truly CAN do all things through You.  I know that with You at my side, or I guess I should say, I know that as I cling to Your side, I will come through this season of sadness in one piece, whole, happy and stronger than ever.  I thank You for Your love, Your grace and Your mercy.  I know Your plans for my life are greater than mine.  I wish I didn't have to go through all the pain but I know it is for my benefit, to mold me and shape me into the person You would have me become.  Thank You for that, Lord.

I am going to go about my day now.  Let Your light shine through me as I do just that.  Let my life praise and glorify the name of Your son, Jesus.  It is through His sacrifice that I am able to bow before Your feet this morning.  For that I am most grateful of all.

Oh yeah!

I move to my new home on the first of November.  In the midst of my pain and anger I am quite happy about this.  It's a huge house set in the middle of 5 acres of trees.  I am renting the master suite which is big enough for many people, not just little ol' me.  It has a nice and big, yet cluttered, kitchen.  I don't expect I'll be cooking much anymore but I do have use of it.  There's a huge flat panel TV in the living room too but I don't watch much TV.  Maybe I'll post pictures after I move in.  Especially the view from my deck, there's 2 ponds among all the trees, and a pool that I won't have to be afraid to swim in (after she gets it repaired).  Finally, I will have only myself to pick up after, no more fighting over dishes and the trash.  I can't wait to start my new life!  I wonder if I can get a dog.  They're much more honest than a man.

More Prayer

Dear Lord,

Please help me keep my focus on you during this time of prayer and fasting.  My mind wanders and drifts.  It keep returning to dig at my pain.  I want to focus on You, Lord.  I want to focus on Your will for my life.  In want to focus on the joy You will bring me when I follow Your will. 

Lord, I am so unworthy.  I am a sinner, I need Your grace and mercy.  Please bless me with Your righteousness, without it I am doomed.  I am such a hypocrite, Lord.  I put my relationship ahead of You, I made him my god because I made not being alone my god.  I am so tired of being alone. Lord.  I am sio tired of being lonely, I stumbled, I sinned against You.  I am so sorry.  Lord, if I could change my behavior, I would.  If there was something I could do to make it up to You, I would.  But I  know there is no way for me, a sinner, to earn Your favor.  I need Your love and grace and mercy.  I need Your forgiveness.  Lord, I submit to Your will.  Please show me Your will.

Lord, I also pray for health and healing of my loved ones.  I pray for Becky and little Benjamin.  I pray for my parents and my children.  I pray for their physical and mental wholeness and happiness.  Lord, I pray for my friends.  I pray that they know You and walk in close communion with You.  Lord, You know all the prayers of my heart, even those I cannot put voice to.  Please Lord, grant me these petitions. 

Prayer during fasting

Dear Lord,

Draw me closer to You, my Lord.  Cleanse my mind, body and spirit as I seek Your will for my life.  Show me the path You have laid out ahead of me and guide my steps as I walk that path.  Give me the strength to step out in faith, to overcome my grief and my fears.  Break the bonds my fears have over me and my life.  Show me how to live the full and abundant life that You have prescribed for me.  My Lord, if You have decided that I shall spend the rest of my life as a single person let me be a single person doing Your will.  I beg of You, please, please, please heal my pain, my hurts, my heart, body and soul.  I submit them to You, O God, they are Yours, wholly Yours.  Guide my steps as I embark on these changes in my life.  Show me the ways You would have me take.  Let me be a witness to everyone I come in contact with.  Let Your light shine forth through me.

Lord, please also forgive me for all my sins.  I have sinned mightily against You, my Lord.  In addition to my struggles with lust and my sexual thoughts and desires for the man I love I have also been arrogant and prideful.  I have not been completely honest with those I love and even myself.  I have not been a good steward of the resources You blessed me with.  I have not kept You first place in my life, often replacing You with other people or things.  I have ignored opportunities where I could be spreading Your truth and love in order to pursue my own selfish gain.  I have even not paid the proper attention to the loved ones You placed in my life.  Please, Lord, I know I am not worthy of Your forgiveness but if you choose You can restore my life and show me the way to correct those sins and errors of my life.  Show the path You would have me walk in repentance and love.

O Lord, please also bless my friend, heal his hurts and pains, calm his fears and soothe his body and soul.  Please give him peace and rest and healing.  I know You are showering him with Your love and grace and mercy, just as You shower me with the same.  He is Your child, too.  I know You want to bless him as much as You want to bless all of Your children.  Lord, whether brokenness or restoration, I submit our relationship to Your will.  I know You have what is best for the two of us in Your mind and in Your plans.  Your will be done, Lord.

Lord, I am ever grateful for Your gifts to me.  Your son's sacrifice of His life on the cross is evidence of your unfailing love for me and all your children.  I pray that my life will reflect You.

God is in Control

There's nothing that can distract a person from their misery quite as well as a worship event.  I arrived at Lakeside last night a few minutes before 4 and was totally immersed in worshipping Jesus for the next 6 hours.  Being together with my brothers and sisters in Christ is an experienced unequaled anywhere else.  I sang, I danced, I yelled and screamed and jumped up and down with several hundred of my closest friends.  There was a one hour break where I was able to rest and put my feet up but by the time the evening was over I could barely walk, least of all talk. 

Gabriel and crew performed all my favorite songs, including Dress Us Up, Skeleton Bones, Love Came Down, the Old Rugged Cross and that other one at the end whose name escapes me right now.  And by the crowds' reactions, they're not just my favorite songs either.  I'm going to have to get myself a copy of the CD/DVD package.

This was all after an afternoon of hunting for a new home.  I finally found one in the Loomis/Penryn area.  It's in a huge house set on several heavily wooded acres.  The room I am renting is larger than the living room in my current apartment.  The bathroom is HUGE!  One wall is all sinks and mirrors and 2 walls of closets.  There is a deck off the sliding glass doors and the view includes 2 ponds and a swimming pool.  I won't know what to do with myself in all that room.  In Mexico a room that size would house at least 8 people.

Benjamin

Dear Lord,

Please bless Benjamin Trung Duc Dang.  This life is so hard and it is even harder when you are born 7 weeks early.  Bless his parents with the strength and grace that will be necessary to raise this child.  I know his parents love you and will bring little Benjamin up knowing you and loving you.  Thank you for bringing Benjamin and Becky through his birth quickly, easily, happy and healthy.  May Benjamin be a blessing to his family.

I ask all this in Jesus' precious and holy name.

Amen

Confirmation

Other stuff going on in my life.  I'm feeling disconnected from Lakeside Church, not from God, just Lakeside.  There are things going on there that I am still excited about but those will mostly be over by tomorrow evening.  I will probably still attend Lakeside till my move is complete but then will try and find a church closer to my new home.  I think the emotional disconnect started when I thought I was going to have a permanent relationship and I would be shifting to his church.  I've heard of a good church in Auburn, maybe I will attend there.  Lakeside, no matter how good the teaching and fellowship is getting too big.  It's getting to be all about the music and showmanship and although it's not a bad thing, I want to focus more on God.  I may still remain connected to Lakeside on a limited basis in order to stay in touch with missions but once I move away from here that will probably be the extent of my connection. 

In preparing for the move I've been doing further cleaning in my room.  I threw away and/or gave away a lot of the stuff that was sitting in boxes in my room.  I have a lot of floor space this evening but that will be only temporary.  Tomorrow I will be setting up my bike on the trainer In my room.  I still can't carry it down the stairs to ride it yet and I want to get back on it again.  I did all that in between my usual Saturday activities.  I donated platelets this morning and this afternoon drove Marion and Sandra down to our friend Jeannene's bon voyage party.  Jeannene and her family are moving to Texas at the end of the month.

Lord, please use this experience to help me grow more in love with you.  I ask this in your son's name, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ because I know His sacrifice on the cross was for me.  Thank you Lord, you are good.