I just have to praise God over and over and over again for the blessing of my new home.
When I was living with my son I was ashamed of that space. I was cramped and crowded and disorganized. I never invited anyone into my room because it was always such a mess. I wasn't just ashamed, I was deeply ashamed. People used to ask me about it and I tried to deflect them away from the topic. I think Wayne in particular was hurt by it. I never felt comfortable bringing guests into that home.
Already in my new space I am thinking about how wonderful it will be to have guests. I have spent the last 2 hours arranging my room and I am already much more comfortable here than I ever was in my son's apartment, even with scores of unpacked boxes. With such a great place to rest and recharge I will be able to face the days ahead with joy and thanksgiving, with the Lord's peace in my heart. I look forward to it.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
This morning I have this song running on a loop inside my brain. A large choir is singing it, something like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. It is a large sound, booming yet joyous, something like this video I just found on YouTube...
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
This morning I have this song running on a loop inside my brain. A large choir is singing it, something like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. It is a large sound, booming yet joyous, something like this video I just found on YouTube...
Thursday, October 28, 2010
My new home
So I just spent a large portion of this evening up at my new place chatting with my new landlord. I am so excited, I am moving in on Saturday! Dorothy was telling me about how she found the place and how she fell in love with it right away. She knew she just had to have it. Her husband was very ill so he didn't get to live there very long but she's lived there for 15 years. It's a huge place and she keeps it up with the help of her son and grandson. I'll have my own private entrance and my deck is fenced off so that I can keep the dog there, and in my room. There's a creek, 2 ponds and a swimming pool. I can see all of them from my deck.
Dorothy is also a Christian. She was telling me this evening how she came to know Christ. You could see the joy radiating off her face. She has a sweet, sweet smile. She told me I will find peace there, peace and happiness. I believe her. I left there over an hour ago and I can still feel the peace that seeped into my soul as we visited this evening.
And of course, the walls in her home are covered with her paintings. Like me she finds simple joy in colors. She has hundreds of books on painting she has told me to feel free to peruse. It will be a joy.
I believe God led me to the perfect place for rest and healing. In no time at all I should feel refreshed and renewed and ready to take on the world again, but I believe I am going to hold onto this place as my little sanctuary. I know God and I will be sharing many joyous hours there.
Dorothy is also a Christian. She was telling me this evening how she came to know Christ. You could see the joy radiating off her face. She has a sweet, sweet smile. She told me I will find peace there, peace and happiness. I believe her. I left there over an hour ago and I can still feel the peace that seeped into my soul as we visited this evening.
And of course, the walls in her home are covered with her paintings. Like me she finds simple joy in colors. She has hundreds of books on painting she has told me to feel free to peruse. It will be a joy.
I believe God led me to the perfect place for rest and healing. In no time at all I should feel refreshed and renewed and ready to take on the world again, but I believe I am going to hold onto this place as my little sanctuary. I know God and I will be sharing many joyous hours there.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
WooHoo!!!
Okay, here's the thing, I spoke with Dorothy (my new landlady) this afternoon. I get to move in over the weekend even thought the first isn't actually till Monday. That will give me plenty of time to get settled before I leave for Mexico on Thursday morning.
This is my Happy Dance. What? You can't see it? That's probably a good thing...
This is my Happy Dance. What? You can't see it? That's probably a good thing...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
it's getting closer!
So I received an email this afternoon, actually I received several. We have space for 60 people on the Mexico trip and 49 are signed up so far. That means at this point we will be building about 8 houses in total. If we get a full complement of 60 people we will be building 10 houses. Just think, we could build houses so another 2 Mexican families will have homes by the end of next week. Even if we don't get the extra people that's still 8 families who don't have homes today that will by the end of next week. I think that's pretty awesome.
I'm a little worried about my wrist. I'm not sure I should hammer with it yet. There will be plenty for me to do on this trip without hammering but I love to actually get in on the building. I usually always get up on the roof, you see, I'm afraid of heights. I've been on the roof of every house I've helped build except one. That was the day I had a migraine headache and all I wanted to do was lay down and cry. I didn't but I came pretty close. Now I always make sure I have my migraine medicine with me and I drink lots and lots of water.
I'm bringing along my pink tool belt, too. I don't have a big carpenter's tool belt like a lot of the guys do but my pink one is a good quality suede. Don't laugh, it works really well and at least I didn't get it monogrammed with rhinestones like I could have. I originally bought ot as a joke but I use it every trip now.
I should be packing up my house getting ready to move. I actually have about one third to one half of it already done. It's just that I am also in the middle of a painting and my paintings sort of consume me till I finish them. Tomorrow night none of that will get done. We'll be wrapping up our study on the Sermon on the Mount in tomorrow night's small group. So that gives me Thursday and Friday nights plus this weeend for packing. I'm not sure when I'm going to get to do the actual moving, my scheduled move-in date is the 1st but that's Monday. Maybe she'll let me come a day early so I don't have to move after work. I promised Rob I'd be out by the 10th and I have 4 days in Mexico in the middle of all that.
Well, tomorrow's another busy day...
I'm a little worried about my wrist. I'm not sure I should hammer with it yet. There will be plenty for me to do on this trip without hammering but I love to actually get in on the building. I usually always get up on the roof, you see, I'm afraid of heights. I've been on the roof of every house I've helped build except one. That was the day I had a migraine headache and all I wanted to do was lay down and cry. I didn't but I came pretty close. Now I always make sure I have my migraine medicine with me and I drink lots and lots of water.
I'm bringing along my pink tool belt, too. I don't have a big carpenter's tool belt like a lot of the guys do but my pink one is a good quality suede. Don't laugh, it works really well and at least I didn't get it monogrammed with rhinestones like I could have. I originally bought ot as a joke but I use it every trip now.
I should be packing up my house getting ready to move. I actually have about one third to one half of it already done. It's just that I am also in the middle of a painting and my paintings sort of consume me till I finish them. Tomorrow night none of that will get done. We'll be wrapping up our study on the Sermon on the Mount in tomorrow night's small group. So that gives me Thursday and Friday nights plus this weeend for packing. I'm not sure when I'm going to get to do the actual moving, my scheduled move-in date is the 1st but that's Monday. Maybe she'll let me come a day early so I don't have to move after work. I promised Rob I'd be out by the 10th and I have 4 days in Mexico in the middle of all that.
Well, tomorrow's another busy day...
Monday, October 25, 2010
Mexico! November 4 - 7
In 10 days Lakeside has another trip to El Florido, Mexico to build homes for the homeless. We go every 6 months or so, once in the spring and again in the fall. This will be my 11th consecutive trip. I love the people we build for in Mexico. They do not fit the streotype of Mexicans perpetuated here in the States. The people I have met in Mexico are industrious and hard-working. They value family and friends. They value relationships. No matter what denomination church they attend they worship God with thier entire being, with their whole heart, soul, body and mind. Many people here in the States could learn a few things from the people I am headed to meet in 10 days.
If you've read any of my previous posts about Mexico you probably have a feel for the trip. We meet at the church at 6 a.m. on Thursday morning. We spend all day driving in a loose caravan till we get to the dorms, usually about 5 or 6 in the evening. After we unload the cars and trucks we head out for tacos and ice cream. There's usually an orientation meeting and then lights out in the dorms.
Friday mornings we get up, get dressed and have 30 minutes quiet time. Most of us use that time for devotionals. After quiet time comes breakfast, then a worship service where we listen to Eddie Passmore speak his heart on missions. Sometimes there is a guest speaker like Brad Buser from Papua New Guinea. After that we get our work assignments and break up as assigned to go with our family to the build sites. I've been on trips where we only broke into 2 teams and others where we've had as many as 10. Each team builds a house that day, either a 12x12 or a 12x16. Sometimes the houses are additions to structures already there, sometimes not.
The houses are very simple structures to build. To make it even easier the staff at the dorms pre-cuts a number of the sheets of plywood. I have seen a house go up in less than 4 hours. But the real object of this exercise is not to build a house. It is to build a relationship with the people of El Florido, Mexico. We talk with the families, we play with the children. We share ourselves with them and they share themselves with us. We bring families on this trip and our children play with their children.
Getting a new house or even an addition to their existing home is very exciting for these families. Even the children love to help build. We often line up nails for the kids to pound in and sometimes the older kids can work on the windows (shutters, really) and hinges. Everyone seems to like to help with the painting.
The families usually provide us with a lunch if they are able. Some families will save a week's wages to provide the "grupos" with lunch. I have always enjoyed the food served, even my very first meal there which was cactus. The families seem to feel their finest dish is the chicken mole, which I must admit is good. But my favorite meal is always the salads that they serve on tostada shells. I've had some really good soups there, too.
After the house is completed we usually share some cookies and trail mix we've brought along. We also present the families with Bibles and other gifts. The gifts vary from trip to trip depending on the donations we have received. But every home is presented with a plaque made by Johnny's mom and a doorknob made by another church family. The plaque has a Bible verse on it and we usually nail it over the door or window, wherever the family requests.
Tired, and often sunburned, we head back to the dorms. After preparing the trucks for Saturday's builds, many in the group head off to the public showers, everyone goes to dinner, ice cream and then a little free time before bed. Saturday is similar to Friday with the added "debrief" meeting Saturday evening.
Sunday mornings we are up early to clean the dorms and hit the road as soon as possible. We like to be in line at the border before 7 a.m., it just gets us across the border a little quicker. We have a long ride home in front of us, a trip I often use to download all my pictures onto my laptop.
My favorite trip was the one where I went on the extra bonus day to work with Spectrum Ministries. We left on Wednesday instead of Thursday and while everyone else was driving down we were working in the poor neighborhoods of El Florido giving children showers and new clothes. The time I went Diane and I sat side by side and washed over 70 pairs of little girls' feet. It was a truly heartbreaking experience.
There's a line in one of my favorite songs. It goes like this, "Break my heart for what breaks Yours." Everytime I think of Spectrum and washing those little girls' feet I think of that line. God is so good.
I can't afford Spectrum this trip, not with moving and all, maybe next time.
If you've read any of my previous posts about Mexico you probably have a feel for the trip. We meet at the church at 6 a.m. on Thursday morning. We spend all day driving in a loose caravan till we get to the dorms, usually about 5 or 6 in the evening. After we unload the cars and trucks we head out for tacos and ice cream. There's usually an orientation meeting and then lights out in the dorms.
Friday mornings we get up, get dressed and have 30 minutes quiet time. Most of us use that time for devotionals. After quiet time comes breakfast, then a worship service where we listen to Eddie Passmore speak his heart on missions. Sometimes there is a guest speaker like Brad Buser from Papua New Guinea. After that we get our work assignments and break up as assigned to go with our family to the build sites. I've been on trips where we only broke into 2 teams and others where we've had as many as 10. Each team builds a house that day, either a 12x12 or a 12x16. Sometimes the houses are additions to structures already there, sometimes not.
The houses are very simple structures to build. To make it even easier the staff at the dorms pre-cuts a number of the sheets of plywood. I have seen a house go up in less than 4 hours. But the real object of this exercise is not to build a house. It is to build a relationship with the people of El Florido, Mexico. We talk with the families, we play with the children. We share ourselves with them and they share themselves with us. We bring families on this trip and our children play with their children.
Getting a new house or even an addition to their existing home is very exciting for these families. Even the children love to help build. We often line up nails for the kids to pound in and sometimes the older kids can work on the windows (shutters, really) and hinges. Everyone seems to like to help with the painting.
The families usually provide us with a lunch if they are able. Some families will save a week's wages to provide the "grupos" with lunch. I have always enjoyed the food served, even my very first meal there which was cactus. The families seem to feel their finest dish is the chicken mole, which I must admit is good. But my favorite meal is always the salads that they serve on tostada shells. I've had some really good soups there, too.
After the house is completed we usually share some cookies and trail mix we've brought along. We also present the families with Bibles and other gifts. The gifts vary from trip to trip depending on the donations we have received. But every home is presented with a plaque made by Johnny's mom and a doorknob made by another church family. The plaque has a Bible verse on it and we usually nail it over the door or window, wherever the family requests.
Tired, and often sunburned, we head back to the dorms. After preparing the trucks for Saturday's builds, many in the group head off to the public showers, everyone goes to dinner, ice cream and then a little free time before bed. Saturday is similar to Friday with the added "debrief" meeting Saturday evening.
Sunday mornings we are up early to clean the dorms and hit the road as soon as possible. We like to be in line at the border before 7 a.m., it just gets us across the border a little quicker. We have a long ride home in front of us, a trip I often use to download all my pictures onto my laptop.
My favorite trip was the one where I went on the extra bonus day to work with Spectrum Ministries. We left on Wednesday instead of Thursday and while everyone else was driving down we were working in the poor neighborhoods of El Florido giving children showers and new clothes. The time I went Diane and I sat side by side and washed over 70 pairs of little girls' feet. It was a truly heartbreaking experience.
There's a line in one of my favorite songs. It goes like this, "Break my heart for what breaks Yours." Everytime I think of Spectrum and washing those little girls' feet I think of that line. God is so good.
I can't afford Spectrum this trip, not with moving and all, maybe next time.
hmmm & ten days to go...
I should wear dresses more often. I am getting all sorts of compliments today.
I move into my new place one week from today. I am so excited. No more disrespect and sarcasm from Rob, I will get to keep my room as clean as I want without him throwing random stuff in there all the time. I also won't have to pick up after him and there will be a garage where I can keep my bike. I won't have to worry about him using up all the toilet paper (he goes through a roll in less than 2 days) and I can keep my own dishes and bathroom clean without him using and/or moving all my stuff. Plus, I can finally get a dog!
On another note, I leave for Mexico in ten days! This trip will be good for me. I've always called it my attitude adjustment trip, hopefully this time will be no different. I am so looking forward to getting away from Sacramento and all the things that are stressing me out these days. Going to Mexico will recenter my focus where it needs to be -- on God.
I wonder if it will be raining down there as heavily as it is raining here. According to MSN Weather it's supposed to rain in Tijuana this coming Thursday then clear up and it doesn't say anything about the dates past November 3rd. Of course, it's supposed to be clear here till Thursday also, then rain for a couple of days and clear up early next week. I guess I'll have to recheck early next week. This may sound completely weird but I'd like to do a build in the rain. Last time I was there (or maybe it was the time before) I asked if we would still build if it was raining and they said that we would. I love the rain so much I believe I would enjoy it, unless of course, it was a freezing deluge.
I wonder what we'll do for taco places. Will we be returning to Gordo's or just visiting the new ones we found on our last trip? Since I love them all I will be happy with wherever we go. The only place I didn't like was Tacos al Guerro and it's not that I didn't like them, I just like all the other places better. No matter where we go for tacos I'm sure we'll head to La Michoacana for ice cream. I guess I'll have to do a fruit popsicle to keep my diet momentum going. No problem, I want to keep avoiding dairy products as much as I can anyways.
The best parts of these trips are always the families. It's always so hard to leave them at the end of the day. That's one reason I love taking pictures when I'm down there, I can remember the people I met and worked with. I do tend to forget names sometimes but I can remember faces and the stories behind those faces.
How can you forget experiences like this? I can't, I know that for sure. I've been part of building 20 houses down in the El Florido area. This will be my 11th trip. I'm amazed, I just did it one step at a time. I understand we will probably have close to if not more than 60 people this time. We are expecting some new families to come on this trip, too. It's going to be great. I expect to see God working in many ways. I expect God to do a mighty work in my heart on this trip.
I move into my new place one week from today. I am so excited. No more disrespect and sarcasm from Rob, I will get to keep my room as clean as I want without him throwing random stuff in there all the time. I also won't have to pick up after him and there will be a garage where I can keep my bike. I won't have to worry about him using up all the toilet paper (he goes through a roll in less than 2 days) and I can keep my own dishes and bathroom clean without him using and/or moving all my stuff. Plus, I can finally get a dog!
On another note, I leave for Mexico in ten days! This trip will be good for me. I've always called it my attitude adjustment trip, hopefully this time will be no different. I am so looking forward to getting away from Sacramento and all the things that are stressing me out these days. Going to Mexico will recenter my focus where it needs to be -- on God.
I wonder if it will be raining down there as heavily as it is raining here. According to MSN Weather it's supposed to rain in Tijuana this coming Thursday then clear up and it doesn't say anything about the dates past November 3rd. Of course, it's supposed to be clear here till Thursday also, then rain for a couple of days and clear up early next week. I guess I'll have to recheck early next week. This may sound completely weird but I'd like to do a build in the rain. Last time I was there (or maybe it was the time before) I asked if we would still build if it was raining and they said that we would. I love the rain so much I believe I would enjoy it, unless of course, it was a freezing deluge.
I wonder what we'll do for taco places. Will we be returning to Gordo's or just visiting the new ones we found on our last trip? Since I love them all I will be happy with wherever we go. The only place I didn't like was Tacos al Guerro and it's not that I didn't like them, I just like all the other places better. No matter where we go for tacos I'm sure we'll head to La Michoacana for ice cream. I guess I'll have to do a fruit popsicle to keep my diet momentum going. No problem, I want to keep avoiding dairy products as much as I can anyways.
The best parts of these trips are always the families. It's always so hard to leave them at the end of the day. That's one reason I love taking pictures when I'm down there, I can remember the people I met and worked with. I do tend to forget names sometimes but I can remember faces and the stories behind those faces.
How can you forget experiences like this? I can't, I know that for sure. I've been part of building 20 houses down in the El Florido area. This will be my 11th trip. I'm amazed, I just did it one step at a time. I understand we will probably have close to if not more than 60 people this time. We are expecting some new families to come on this trip, too. It's going to be great. I expect to see God working in many ways. I expect God to do a mighty work in my heart on this trip.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Rainy Days and Sundays
Today I should have been packing for my move. Instead I spent most of the day working on a painting I started 4 weeks ago. As a matter of fact, I started it on the day I first knew there was a problem between Wayne and I. I had been suspecting it for some time but that day I knew. I was considering not finishing it because it holds terrible memories of Wayne for me but right now I am rather glad I've been working on it. It looks rather nice. It has some good colors in it and some blending that looks really nice. I'm probably going to have to sell it when I'm done but that's okay.
Yesterday was blood platelet donation day, also the only time I ever weigh myself. I do that deliberately so I don't obsess over the numbers on the scale. I was down from 171 pounds to 166. That's 5 pounds in 2 weeks, just a tad too fast. But it does put me at a BMI of 25.2 and 25.0 is consider a "normal" weight. Now if I can just keep up the good eating habits and not revert back I should be okay.
I also took a long walk in the rain yesterday. I walked from my apartment to the site where I crashed my bike, about 4 miles each way. Hmmm, somewhere I had the idea it was 5 but I just recalculated, it's 4, maybe a little bit more but not a whole lot. I had my big polka dot umbrella, I love the sound the rain makes on my umbrella, and on the path and the trees and bushes and river and...
As I was crossing the river I watched the fish under the water like I did last week. The difference yesterday was that the fish were jumping. I saw some pretty good sized fish, too. I was thinking about how last week I wanted to jump from the bridge. My life was so painful I didn't want to go on. Well, I still wanted to jump this week but not as badly as I did last week. That's progress, right? I have more joy in my life this week than I did last. Not as much as I did a month ago when I was still with Wayne but I am working my way back to happy and joyful again. I've prayed and prayed for the Lord to either restore our relationship or get that man out of my head. So far, neither one has happened.
Well, I need to go to sleep now if I'm going to work tomorrow. The herbs are still doing their trick, as a matter of fact I am sleeping better and better each night. That contributes to the joy returning to my life as well. I would have stayed in bed all day today if I'd had someone to cuddle with. Rainy days are good for that.
Yesterday was blood platelet donation day, also the only time I ever weigh myself. I do that deliberately so I don't obsess over the numbers on the scale. I was down from 171 pounds to 166. That's 5 pounds in 2 weeks, just a tad too fast. But it does put me at a BMI of 25.2 and 25.0 is consider a "normal" weight. Now if I can just keep up the good eating habits and not revert back I should be okay.
I also took a long walk in the rain yesterday. I walked from my apartment to the site where I crashed my bike, about 4 miles each way. Hmmm, somewhere I had the idea it was 5 but I just recalculated, it's 4, maybe a little bit more but not a whole lot. I had my big polka dot umbrella, I love the sound the rain makes on my umbrella, and on the path and the trees and bushes and river and...
As I was crossing the river I watched the fish under the water like I did last week. The difference yesterday was that the fish were jumping. I saw some pretty good sized fish, too. I was thinking about how last week I wanted to jump from the bridge. My life was so painful I didn't want to go on. Well, I still wanted to jump this week but not as badly as I did last week. That's progress, right? I have more joy in my life this week than I did last. Not as much as I did a month ago when I was still with Wayne but I am working my way back to happy and joyful again. I've prayed and prayed for the Lord to either restore our relationship or get that man out of my head. So far, neither one has happened.
Well, I need to go to sleep now if I'm going to work tomorrow. The herbs are still doing their trick, as a matter of fact I am sleeping better and better each night. That contributes to the joy returning to my life as well. I would have stayed in bed all day today if I'd had someone to cuddle with. Rainy days are good for that.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
John 15:1-4
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."
God has a purpose for my life. I'm not quite sure what it is yet because I have let my life get in the way. I've been too focused on myself to be able to hear the still, small voice of God. Even the things I believed He put into my life got in the way of listening to Him. Now it's time to clean out my life of all that extra stuff. That means not only cleaning out my closets and drawers but also paring away the relationships in my life that are pulling me down. Some of them are very dear to me but they are toxic, they are causing me a great deal of pain and anguish and therefore must go. This is not an arbitrary clean-up. Some of these relationships have been around for years and I have expended a great deal of time and energy witnessing to them. But it's very possible that I am not supposed to be the one to bring in that harvest. Other relationships have been shorter in term but just as precious to me. I need to cut them loose now so that I can clear noise between God and myself.
I'm not going to name names here or point fingers. Let's just say that if you have dropped out of my life in the past several weeks or if you find yourself dropping out of my life in the next few weeks you may want to consider looking for those divine pruning shears. (It doesn't matter whether it was your your idea, my idea or someone else's idea, it was all God's idea.) To some of you I hope that God reintroduces us again in the future. To others, I am glad to see your backside. I will leave it to you to figure out which group you belong in.
God has a purpose for my life. I'm not quite sure what it is yet because I have let my life get in the way. I've been too focused on myself to be able to hear the still, small voice of God. Even the things I believed He put into my life got in the way of listening to Him. Now it's time to clean out my life of all that extra stuff. That means not only cleaning out my closets and drawers but also paring away the relationships in my life that are pulling me down. Some of them are very dear to me but they are toxic, they are causing me a great deal of pain and anguish and therefore must go. This is not an arbitrary clean-up. Some of these relationships have been around for years and I have expended a great deal of time and energy witnessing to them. But it's very possible that I am not supposed to be the one to bring in that harvest. Other relationships have been shorter in term but just as precious to me. I need to cut them loose now so that I can clear noise between God and myself.
I'm not going to name names here or point fingers. Let's just say that if you have dropped out of my life in the past several weeks or if you find yourself dropping out of my life in the next few weeks you may want to consider looking for those divine pruning shears. (It doesn't matter whether it was your your idea, my idea or someone else's idea, it was all God's idea.) To some of you I hope that God reintroduces us again in the future. To others, I am glad to see your backside. I will leave it to you to figure out which group you belong in.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Wow!
Can you tell I am more "back to normal?" I am down to only one or two posts per day now. Praise God! The tears are all but gone and the heartache is fast disappearing. Time to get on with my life.
This time in 2 weeks I will be in Mexico. Hmmm, let's see, 8:50 Friday morning, we'll probably be getting our build assignments for the day, meeting the families we are building for and doing any last minute loading of the trucks. I'm getting excited...
This time in 2 weeks I will be in Mexico. Hmmm, let's see, 8:50 Friday morning, we'll probably be getting our build assignments for the day, meeting the families we are building for and doing any last minute loading of the trucks. I'm getting excited...
Thursday, October 21, 2010
did I mention???
...Dorothy is going to let me have a dog! The dog sorta needs to audition first, to see if it will get along with the other people in the house. I was looking online at dogs at the SPCA today. There is a chow/keeshond mix I'd love to have but I need to wait till I come back from Mexico before I bring a dog home. Baby will probably be gone by then.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
an interesting phenomenom has occured
Yesterday I wrote a letter to Wayne and mailed it. The letter apologized for my bad behavior while we were seeing each other and for not respecting him enough and being too controlling when we were together. It also apologized for not sharing things with him that I think he had a right to know. I told him what steps I am taking to correct my behavior and asked him if we could be friends again. Because that's what I miss most of all is his friendship. I do have a history of being friends with ex-boyfriends so I didn't think I was too out of line. Anyway, I mailed the letter to his PO Box so if I get a response it may take a month or more. He once told me he only checks his box about once a month. I did tell him in the letter I would be happy with one 15 minute phone call per week. Well, maybe not happy but satisfied. And I meant every word, still do. Then I went home last night and sobbed my heart out.
I got up this morning and put on a dress. It is a short dress, with a V-neck that shows my cleavage, one I was planning on wearing for Wayne the next time I saw him, he used to like looking at my cleavage. It's not too short to wear to work as it hits a couple of inches above my knees, but I do have to watch how I sit when I'm wearing it. Anyway, all that aside, I also put on a little make up and styled my freshly cut hair. I put on a pair of cute little sandals and ran out to my car since I was running late to work. But I didn't run so fast that I missed noticing I attracted a little male attention.
I got to work and, as usual for the last couple of weeks, was struggling with the grief and sadness. One reason for putting on make up was so that I would not succumb to tears today. That was early this morning. A little later today I noticed a little more male attention around the office. And even more as I wandered the aisles at Safeway for lunch. And as I got back to the office after lunch I noticed that, for right now at least, I was not overwhelmingly sad anymore. I have no desire to cry. Now, that may change again in the next 10 minutes but for right now that's a good thing. I believe it means I'm beginning to fall a little bit out of love with him. That doesn't mean I don't still love him, because I do. It means I am not in love with him, or at least on the way to not being in love with him. I am not infatuated with him, I am not obsessed with him, I simply love him. I believe this is a good thing.
What happens if he gets my letter and decides he wants to try and be friends? That's a good thing, I still miss him and would like to be friends with him. Does that preclude any romantic relationship in the future? Eh, maybe, maybe not. I am still very much sexually attracted to him (why I cannot fathom) and would still very much like to explore that (maybe because he's undiscovered territory). No, I don't want sex with him, I want to make love with him. Personally, I think relationships are best when built on a firm foundation of friendship, but then again, I've never had a romantic relationship last longer than 4 years. Meanwhile, if I attract the attention of another man I wouldn't turn down a date. I'm just not sure I want another romantic relationship right now, if ever.
I got up this morning and put on a dress. It is a short dress, with a V-neck that shows my cleavage, one I was planning on wearing for Wayne the next time I saw him, he used to like looking at my cleavage. It's not too short to wear to work as it hits a couple of inches above my knees, but I do have to watch how I sit when I'm wearing it. Anyway, all that aside, I also put on a little make up and styled my freshly cut hair. I put on a pair of cute little sandals and ran out to my car since I was running late to work. But I didn't run so fast that I missed noticing I attracted a little male attention.
I got to work and, as usual for the last couple of weeks, was struggling with the grief and sadness. One reason for putting on make up was so that I would not succumb to tears today. That was early this morning. A little later today I noticed a little more male attention around the office. And even more as I wandered the aisles at Safeway for lunch. And as I got back to the office after lunch I noticed that, for right now at least, I was not overwhelmingly sad anymore. I have no desire to cry. Now, that may change again in the next 10 minutes but for right now that's a good thing. I believe it means I'm beginning to fall a little bit out of love with him. That doesn't mean I don't still love him, because I do. It means I am not in love with him, or at least on the way to not being in love with him. I am not infatuated with him, I am not obsessed with him, I simply love him. I believe this is a good thing.
What happens if he gets my letter and decides he wants to try and be friends? That's a good thing, I still miss him and would like to be friends with him. Does that preclude any romantic relationship in the future? Eh, maybe, maybe not. I am still very much sexually attracted to him (why I cannot fathom) and would still very much like to explore that (maybe because he's undiscovered territory). No, I don't want sex with him, I want to make love with him. Personally, I think relationships are best when built on a firm foundation of friendship, but then again, I've never had a romantic relationship last longer than 4 years. Meanwhile, if I attract the attention of another man I wouldn't turn down a date. I'm just not sure I want another romantic relationship right now, if ever.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Healing
I've spent most of the last three days blogging on a seperate blog about my past. I wanted to examine my "family of origin" and determine why I make such bad choices in my life. I wrote about my childhood all the way through my latest relationship with Wayne. One thing I learned from what I wrote and from what I left out is that my family is very toxic to me, extremely toxic! I grew up being verbally and emotionally abused. I was beaten and ridiculed. Even today my mother and my children treat me with disrespect and they put me down at every opportunity they can. I am not sure my mother realizes she treats me that way but I know my children do. My mother treats me the way she was treated as she was growing up. I don't think I treated my children that way but I do think they learned to treat me the way they saw others treat me. Moving out of my son's apartment will be the best thing I have ever done for myself. I need to learn to value myself before I kill myself.
In addition, almost every relationship that I have ever had in my life has been toxic. So much so that I do not know how to behave when I get into a healthy relationship. I guess I am to remain single for the rest of my life, I don't do healthy relationships and I don't want another toxic one.
In addition, almost every relationship that I have ever had in my life has been toxic. So much so that I do not know how to behave when I get into a healthy relationship. I guess I am to remain single for the rest of my life, I don't do healthy relationships and I don't want another toxic one.
Whew!
My life broken down into 6 long posts. I am finally seeing some patterns and some causes for my behavior and way of thinking. Hopefully I can use this as a tool to ensure any future relationships are better and stronger. I can use this as a tool for my personal growth.
I have some peace within me now. My soul is not so frantic anymore. Maybe I can sleep.
The perimenopause herbs are helping with that, too.
I have some peace within me now. My soul is not so frantic anymore. Maybe I can sleep.
The perimenopause herbs are helping with that, too.
Monday, October 18, 2010
another blog
I have started another blog, this one is extremely private. I am doing some family of origin work. I am writing frankly and in great detail about my past. It is quite painful, even worse than ripping a band aid off a sore. Hopefully it will be of benefit to me.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
confusion
It fascinates me how I can be so sad and broken-hearted over the loss of a relationship and yet so full of the joy of the Lord at the same time.
As I greeted friends and fellow worshippers at church last night I was serving the Lord. I know He wants my life to be joyous and I can feel His joy inside me. As I sang and worshipped and lifted my hands to Him I could feel His peace and joy bubbling up inside of me, alongside of the pain and loneliness that has taken deep root inside my heart.
As I drove home from Stockton the past 2 days I was so exhausted I almost fell asleep behind the wheel (multiple times). I thought that if I crashed and died I would be going home to Jesus and there would be no more pain. But a crash would not be a guarantee of death and Jesus obviously isn't finished with me yet. My Lakeside friends are the only ones who act as if they love me and care for me and I was willing to give them all up for a man. I must be crazy and/or pathetic or very deeply in love. I give up, Lord, this is all too much for me.
As I greeted friends and fellow worshippers at church last night I was serving the Lord. I know He wants my life to be joyous and I can feel His joy inside me. As I sang and worshipped and lifted my hands to Him I could feel His peace and joy bubbling up inside of me, alongside of the pain and loneliness that has taken deep root inside my heart.
As I drove home from Stockton the past 2 days I was so exhausted I almost fell asleep behind the wheel (multiple times). I thought that if I crashed and died I would be going home to Jesus and there would be no more pain. But a crash would not be a guarantee of death and Jesus obviously isn't finished with me yet. My Lakeside friends are the only ones who act as if they love me and care for me and I was willing to give them all up for a man. I must be crazy and/or pathetic or very deeply in love. I give up, Lord, this is all too much for me.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
healer by hillsong
You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
Pre-Chorus:
I trust in You
I trust in You
Chorus:
I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need
[Repeat Verse]
[Repeat Pre-Chorus}
[Chorus]
Bridge:
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands
[Repeat]
[Chorus]
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
Pre-Chorus:
I trust in You
I trust in You
Chorus:
I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need
[Repeat Verse]
[Repeat Pre-Chorus}
[Chorus]
Bridge:
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands
[Repeat]
[Chorus]
Pacific International Quilt Festival
I don't know why I used my day off work to go spend time with my mother. Well, actually, I do. She's 75 years old, not getting any younger and certainly not getting any healthier. She has diabetes, high blood pressure and a whole host of other health problems. I love my mother and want to spend time with her because she hasn't got a whole lot of time left. So when I had the day off and she asked me to go to this festival with her I went.
She says she asked me to go with her because I am another woman and enjoy quilts. She said it's hard doing things like that with Jeffrey because he doesn't appreciate them the same way another stitcher would. Okay, that made sense. But once we got there the two of them kept walking away from me and leaving me all alone in this huge hall crowded with strangers. I don't do well with crowds and I don't do well with strangers and they both know it. Don't get me wrong, the entire day wasn't miserable, just a large portion of it.
The quilts were beautiful, I'm going to try and attach pictures here. There were thousands of quilts, some were absolute masterpieces of work, some were really, really ugly. That was the best part of the day. Then we walked through part of the vendor section, the part with everyone in their stalls selling stuff. Mom kept stopping and saying, "If I had the money I'd buy that for _______." Fill in the blank with everyone else's name but mine, her sisters, my sister, her nieces and nephews, her grandchildren, her friends. Everyone but me. My mom is awesome. She needlepoints, she sews, she machine embroiders, she quilts. She has made things and given them to everyone she knows. Everyone except me. She's made Christmas stockings, monogrammed bath towels, embroidered placemats and kitchen towels, decorated jackets, made quilts, gorgeous wall hangings, you name it. In all these years she has given me one embroidered dish towel that she was really going to throw away because it was flawed.
I really have no room to complain. She and Jeff took me in and cared for me, fed me, drove me to doctor's appointments, the whole works while I was recovering from my broken wrist. We packed a lunch to take with us yesterday because she knew I wouldn't have the money to eat out and when lunchtime came and she didn't want to walk back to the car she bought me a salad. We ate the sandwiches for dinner as we drove home. The point is when my mother dies everyone will have all these beautiful keepsakes and I will have a flawed tea towel. Okay, I will have memories, lots and lots of memories. Let's hope I don't get Alzheimer's.
Yesterday was a toss up. The quilts were fabulous. We shared some laughs (the scene in the bathroom was priceless but in the end everyone in there was laughing at me, not her. I was so humiliated.) She abandoned me only to find me again and humiliate me, put me down, criticize me and otherwise make me feel small and unloved. Why did I go with her? She's 75 years old, not getting any younger and certainly not getting any healthier. She doesn't have much time left and I love her. I have a pattern of loving those who don't love me.
I'm driving back to Stockton today to spend more time with her.
She says she asked me to go with her because I am another woman and enjoy quilts. She said it's hard doing things like that with Jeffrey because he doesn't appreciate them the same way another stitcher would. Okay, that made sense. But once we got there the two of them kept walking away from me and leaving me all alone in this huge hall crowded with strangers. I don't do well with crowds and I don't do well with strangers and they both know it. Don't get me wrong, the entire day wasn't miserable, just a large portion of it.
The quilts were beautiful, I'm going to try and attach pictures here. There were thousands of quilts, some were absolute masterpieces of work, some were really, really ugly. That was the best part of the day. Then we walked through part of the vendor section, the part with everyone in their stalls selling stuff. Mom kept stopping and saying, "If I had the money I'd buy that for _______." Fill in the blank with everyone else's name but mine, her sisters, my sister, her nieces and nephews, her grandchildren, her friends. Everyone but me. My mom is awesome. She needlepoints, she sews, she machine embroiders, she quilts. She has made things and given them to everyone she knows. Everyone except me. She's made Christmas stockings, monogrammed bath towels, embroidered placemats and kitchen towels, decorated jackets, made quilts, gorgeous wall hangings, you name it. In all these years she has given me one embroidered dish towel that she was really going to throw away because it was flawed.
I really have no room to complain. She and Jeff took me in and cared for me, fed me, drove me to doctor's appointments, the whole works while I was recovering from my broken wrist. We packed a lunch to take with us yesterday because she knew I wouldn't have the money to eat out and when lunchtime came and she didn't want to walk back to the car she bought me a salad. We ate the sandwiches for dinner as we drove home. The point is when my mother dies everyone will have all these beautiful keepsakes and I will have a flawed tea towel. Okay, I will have memories, lots and lots of memories. Let's hope I don't get Alzheimer's.
Yesterday was a toss up. The quilts were fabulous. We shared some laughs (the scene in the bathroom was priceless but in the end everyone in there was laughing at me, not her. I was so humiliated.) She abandoned me only to find me again and humiliate me, put me down, criticize me and otherwise make me feel small and unloved. Why did I go with her? She's 75 years old, not getting any younger and certainly not getting any healthier. She doesn't have much time left and I love her. I have a pattern of loving those who don't love me.
I'm driving back to Stockton today to spend more time with her.
Friday, October 15, 2010
herbal remedies
You wanna hear something? Promise not to laugh? Seriously, I'm really sensitive and hate it when people laugh at me, laughing with me is okay but don't laugh at me, okay?
Okay, here goes...
I've been exceptionally emotional lately...
You promised not to laugh...
Are you still laughing? This is starting to get old...
Okay, here's the deal. I am perimenopausal (pre-menopausal). Hey! I'm a 52 year old woman, that's not unexpected. I've been having some hot flashes off and on over the past several months. I had some last spring and then they went away and about a month ago they started up again. What I didn't realize, silly me, is how severely my emotions would be effected at the same time. Looking back I can see how they have been effected for several months now. It's just that at the time I believed I was having difficulties adjusting to my broken wrist and my recovery process, the stress at home, the stress at work, you name it. In retrospect, I can see the mood swings began before then. I'm usually a pretty laid-back person, not given to a whole lot of extreme emotion except in times of great stress. I was different in the past but I have been working on not being a hot-tempered bitch and I felt I had that under control. But there have been several major stressors in my life recently and I have not reacted well to any of them. In the past I have taken the termination of a relationship hard but not quite as hard as I am taking this one. I think that's for 2 reasons, 1) I didn't have the same emotional investment in those previous relationships and 2) I wasn't peri-menopause at those times.
I have not slept more than 2 or 3 hours a night for the last 2 weeks. A great deal of that is attributable to the breakup but I've been doing some reading on perimenopause and boy did I have a lot to learn. Hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, irritability, anxiety, craving sweets and/or carbs, heart palpitations, fuzzy thinking, headaches and insomnia are only some of the perimenopause symptoms I have been experiencing. That explains a lot. It explains why my behavior was running away with me, it explains why I haven't been sleeping, it explains why I have been crying for hours and hours. Once I figured that out I needed to find out what to do about it.
I started an herbal remedy a couple of days ago. It's not hormone replacement therapy and it's all natural (I despise taking medications.) Anyways, I am already seeing relief of some of my symptoms. I am not having as many hot flashes and my mood is much more mellow, the irritability and mood swings are disappearing. And I slept well last night. And since it's 11:30 now and I need to be up by 8 tomorrow morning I think I'm going to sign off for now and see if I can sleep. I have a lot more I want to write about, a lot of stuff happened today, some good, some bad, some I want to write down so I can think about it.
Okay, here goes...
I've been exceptionally emotional lately...
You promised not to laugh...
Are you still laughing? This is starting to get old...
Okay, here's the deal. I am perimenopausal (pre-menopausal). Hey! I'm a 52 year old woman, that's not unexpected. I've been having some hot flashes off and on over the past several months. I had some last spring and then they went away and about a month ago they started up again. What I didn't realize, silly me, is how severely my emotions would be effected at the same time. Looking back I can see how they have been effected for several months now. It's just that at the time I believed I was having difficulties adjusting to my broken wrist and my recovery process, the stress at home, the stress at work, you name it. In retrospect, I can see the mood swings began before then. I'm usually a pretty laid-back person, not given to a whole lot of extreme emotion except in times of great stress. I was different in the past but I have been working on not being a hot-tempered bitch and I felt I had that under control. But there have been several major stressors in my life recently and I have not reacted well to any of them. In the past I have taken the termination of a relationship hard but not quite as hard as I am taking this one. I think that's for 2 reasons, 1) I didn't have the same emotional investment in those previous relationships and 2) I wasn't peri-menopause at those times.
I have not slept more than 2 or 3 hours a night for the last 2 weeks. A great deal of that is attributable to the breakup but I've been doing some reading on perimenopause and boy did I have a lot to learn. Hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, irritability, anxiety, craving sweets and/or carbs, heart palpitations, fuzzy thinking, headaches and insomnia are only some of the perimenopause symptoms I have been experiencing. That explains a lot. It explains why my behavior was running away with me, it explains why I haven't been sleeping, it explains why I have been crying for hours and hours. Once I figured that out I needed to find out what to do about it.
I started an herbal remedy a couple of days ago. It's not hormone replacement therapy and it's all natural (I despise taking medications.) Anyways, I am already seeing relief of some of my symptoms. I am not having as many hot flashes and my mood is much more mellow, the irritability and mood swings are disappearing. And I slept well last night. And since it's 11:30 now and I need to be up by 8 tomorrow morning I think I'm going to sign off for now and see if I can sleep. I have a lot more I want to write about, a lot of stuff happened today, some good, some bad, some I want to write down so I can think about it.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Proverbs 16:9
I am so excited. At lunchtime today (in a few minutes) I go to the bank and get my deposit money for my new place. I've been projecting my income and expenses for the next few paychecks and I am tight but manageable. Phew!
As for Proverbs up there. After my visions last night I've been considering how it will all work out considering recent events. But then I get this Bible verse this morning: "The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps." --Proverbs 16:9. Okay, I'll stop worrying on it. God will make it happen, if He wants it to happen it will and no one can stop it.
So, I've mused about leaving Lakeside. Originally I thought it was because of the relationship I was involved in but now I know that there is a disconnect between my heart and Lakeside so I will be leaving anyway. Today I've been considering whether I am supposed to be continuing working at my job. For some reason I am emotionally disconnecting from here as well. Now the disconnect at work could be because I am full of rage and depression over the break-up of my relationship. I am going to try to work through and process that so that I don't make any hasty decisions. And I will pray that I don't punch out my supervisor while I'm sorting. LOL, just kidding, I'm not violent. Financially speaking it might or might not be a blessing to leave here. I have made 50% more than I am making now but that was in San Francisco. Also, annual raises are due November 1st. I haven't had one yet and I've been here for 2 years. I'm wondering what kind of raise they're planning on giving me, if they're giving me one. Maybe that will be the confirmation whether or not I'm supposed to leave.
Meanwhile, I am just going on with my life. I am moving just as I've been planning since Rob and I had that huge fight last spring. I am making adjustments and changes to be ready for whenever the Lord calls me to do whatever it is He wants me to do. (See paragraph above, I think its all related.) I have already had a couple of leads on good churches in the Auburn and Rocklin areas. And with a painter for a landlord I just may sink deeper into my painting. Living out on 5 acres will give me the peace I need to paint and it will also give me fresh air. Okay, there I was thinking about my current neighbors and how much they smoke. It drifts through my bedroom window all day and night so that I either have to keep my window closed (claustrophobic) or use air freshener every day.
Thank You, Lord, for my life. It's not exactly turning out how I envisioned it would but I know it's turning out according to Your plans. That is sufficient for me.
As for Proverbs up there. After my visions last night I've been considering how it will all work out considering recent events. But then I get this Bible verse this morning: "The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps." --Proverbs 16:9. Okay, I'll stop worrying on it. God will make it happen, if He wants it to happen it will and no one can stop it.
So, I've mused about leaving Lakeside. Originally I thought it was because of the relationship I was involved in but now I know that there is a disconnect between my heart and Lakeside so I will be leaving anyway. Today I've been considering whether I am supposed to be continuing working at my job. For some reason I am emotionally disconnecting from here as well. Now the disconnect at work could be because I am full of rage and depression over the break-up of my relationship. I am going to try to work through and process that so that I don't make any hasty decisions. And I will pray that I don't punch out my supervisor while I'm sorting. LOL, just kidding, I'm not violent. Financially speaking it might or might not be a blessing to leave here. I have made 50% more than I am making now but that was in San Francisco. Also, annual raises are due November 1st. I haven't had one yet and I've been here for 2 years. I'm wondering what kind of raise they're planning on giving me, if they're giving me one. Maybe that will be the confirmation whether or not I'm supposed to leave.
Meanwhile, I am just going on with my life. I am moving just as I've been planning since Rob and I had that huge fight last spring. I am making adjustments and changes to be ready for whenever the Lord calls me to do whatever it is He wants me to do. (See paragraph above, I think its all related.) I have already had a couple of leads on good churches in the Auburn and Rocklin areas. And with a painter for a landlord I just may sink deeper into my painting. Living out on 5 acres will give me the peace I need to paint and it will also give me fresh air. Okay, there I was thinking about my current neighbors and how much they smoke. It drifts through my bedroom window all day and night so that I either have to keep my window closed (claustrophobic) or use air freshener every day.
Thank You, Lord, for my life. It's not exactly turning out how I envisioned it would but I know it's turning out according to Your plans. That is sufficient for me.
Random Thoughts
Your love is outrageous
You Know I've never known anything like your love
never known anything like your love
it's outrageous
I've never known anything like your love
never known anyhting like your love...
that song is going through my head over and over this morning.
Hmmm, had a vision last night, trying to see how it will work out considering the present circumstances. Oh well, God has it under control.
Benefits of fasting, other than the communion and communication with God...
I wonder if Dorothy will let me have a dog?
Your love is outrageous...
You Know I've never known anything like your love
never known anything like your love
it's outrageous
I've never known anything like your love
never known anyhting like your love...
that song is going through my head over and over this morning.
Hmmm, had a vision last night, trying to see how it will work out considering the present circumstances. Oh well, God has it under control.
Benefits of fasting, other than the communion and communication with God...
- weight loss, I haven't stepped on a scale but I feel skinnier
- the dark circles under my eyes from my milk allergies have cleared up as have my sinuses
- my hot flashes are lessening
I wonder if Dorothy will let me have a dog?
Your love is outrageous...
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Answered Prayer
Well, my three day fast is complete and I have the answer to my prayer. This evening as I was praying and breaking my fast I felt an incredible peace and joy. It was as if God was wrapping His arms around me and holding me close. I am going to choose contentment.
God closes doors no man can open and God opens doors no man can shut. Which one will this be?
God closes doors no man can open and God opens doors no man can shut. Which one will this be?
Psalm 27:14
Dear Lord,
I heard You speak to me this morning. Thank You for the answer to my prayer. I will be patient and wait as long as You want me to. I know Your plans are better for me than any I can devise for myself. I will submit to Your will.
Thank You also for this three day fast. As it winds down to a close I find myself wanting to stay in Your presence. I know I can do that and still eat but this has been a special time. Please Lord, restore the things in my life that You will restore and remove from my life anything that will distract me from You.
Lord, please also bless my friends, family and loved ones. They are all very special to me and I know they are also your children. You love them even more than I do, immeasureably more.
Thank You for the life of Your son. I have come to appreciate the sacrifice You made for us when You allowed Jesus to give His life in payment of our sins. I can never hope to be worthy of such a sacrifice.
--Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
--Psalm 27:14
I heard You speak to me this morning. Thank You for the answer to my prayer. I will be patient and wait as long as You want me to. I know Your plans are better for me than any I can devise for myself. I will submit to Your will.
Thank You also for this three day fast. As it winds down to a close I find myself wanting to stay in Your presence. I know I can do that and still eat but this has been a special time. Please Lord, restore the things in my life that You will restore and remove from my life anything that will distract me from You.
Lord, please also bless my friends, family and loved ones. They are all very special to me and I know they are also your children. You love them even more than I do, immeasureably more.
Thank You for the life of Your son. I have come to appreciate the sacrifice You made for us when You allowed Jesus to give His life in payment of our sins. I can never hope to be worthy of such a sacrifice.
--Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
--Psalm 27:14
Day 3
Good Morning Lord,
Thank You for this beautiful day. It is still dark outside but I know it came from You so it will be awesome. Thank You for the sleep I did manage last night, it refreshed me enough to go on with this day. Thank You for my job, it enables me to take care of myself and contribute to Your kingdom. Thank You for my friends and family, even those who have no use for me anymore. What's up with my sister anyway? Are you knocking at her heart's door? Thank You for little Benjamin Dang, Please help him grow strong.
Thank You for Your care and provision. As You know, this is day 3 of my fast. I don't know why You asked for three days but I am finding it to be an eye-opening experience. I truly CAN do all things through You. I know that with You at my side, or I guess I should say, I know that as I cling to Your side, I will come through this season of sadness in one piece, whole, happy and stronger than ever. I thank You for Your love, Your grace and Your mercy. I know Your plans for my life are greater than mine. I wish I didn't have to go through all the pain but I know it is for my benefit, to mold me and shape me into the person You would have me become. Thank You for that, Lord.
I am going to go about my day now. Let Your light shine through me as I do just that. Let my life praise and glorify the name of Your son, Jesus. It is through His sacrifice that I am able to bow before Your feet this morning. For that I am most grateful of all.
Thank You for this beautiful day. It is still dark outside but I know it came from You so it will be awesome. Thank You for the sleep I did manage last night, it refreshed me enough to go on with this day. Thank You for my job, it enables me to take care of myself and contribute to Your kingdom. Thank You for my friends and family, even those who have no use for me anymore. What's up with my sister anyway? Are you knocking at her heart's door? Thank You for little Benjamin Dang, Please help him grow strong.
Thank You for Your care and provision. As You know, this is day 3 of my fast. I don't know why You asked for three days but I am finding it to be an eye-opening experience. I truly CAN do all things through You. I know that with You at my side, or I guess I should say, I know that as I cling to Your side, I will come through this season of sadness in one piece, whole, happy and stronger than ever. I thank You for Your love, Your grace and Your mercy. I know Your plans for my life are greater than mine. I wish I didn't have to go through all the pain but I know it is for my benefit, to mold me and shape me into the person You would have me become. Thank You for that, Lord.
I am going to go about my day now. Let Your light shine through me as I do just that. Let my life praise and glorify the name of Your son, Jesus. It is through His sacrifice that I am able to bow before Your feet this morning. For that I am most grateful of all.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Oh yeah!
I move to my new home on the first of November. In the midst of my pain and anger I am quite happy about this. It's a huge house set in the middle of 5 acres of trees. I am renting the master suite which is big enough for many people, not just little ol' me. It has a nice and big, yet cluttered, kitchen. I don't expect I'll be cooking much anymore but I do have use of it. There's a huge flat panel TV in the living room too but I don't watch much TV. Maybe I'll post pictures after I move in. Especially the view from my deck, there's 2 ponds among all the trees, and a pool that I won't have to be afraid to swim in (after she gets it repaired). Finally, I will have only myself to pick up after, no more fighting over dishes and the trash. I can't wait to start my new life! I wonder if I can get a dog. They're much more honest than a man.
More Prayer
Dear Lord,
Please help me keep my focus on you during this time of prayer and fasting. My mind wanders and drifts. It keep returning to dig at my pain. I want to focus on You, Lord. I want to focus on Your will for my life. In want to focus on the joy You will bring me when I follow Your will.
Lord, I am so unworthy. I am a sinner, I need Your grace and mercy. Please bless me with Your righteousness, without it I am doomed. I am such a hypocrite, Lord. I put my relationship ahead of You, I made him my god because I made not being alone my god. I am so tired of being alone. Lord. I am sio tired of being lonely, I stumbled, I sinned against You. I am so sorry. Lord, if I could change my behavior, I would. If there was something I could do to make it up to You, I would. But I know there is no way for me, a sinner, to earn Your favor. I need Your love and grace and mercy. I need Your forgiveness. Lord, I submit to Your will. Please show me Your will.
Lord, I also pray for health and healing of my loved ones. I pray for Becky and little Benjamin. I pray for my parents and my children. I pray for their physical and mental wholeness and happiness. Lord, I pray for my friends. I pray that they know You and walk in close communion with You. Lord, You know all the prayers of my heart, even those I cannot put voice to. Please Lord, grant me these petitions.
Please help me keep my focus on you during this time of prayer and fasting. My mind wanders and drifts. It keep returning to dig at my pain. I want to focus on You, Lord. I want to focus on Your will for my life. In want to focus on the joy You will bring me when I follow Your will.
Lord, I am so unworthy. I am a sinner, I need Your grace and mercy. Please bless me with Your righteousness, without it I am doomed. I am such a hypocrite, Lord. I put my relationship ahead of You, I made him my god because I made not being alone my god. I am so tired of being alone. Lord. I am sio tired of being lonely, I stumbled, I sinned against You. I am so sorry. Lord, if I could change my behavior, I would. If there was something I could do to make it up to You, I would. But I know there is no way for me, a sinner, to earn Your favor. I need Your love and grace and mercy. I need Your forgiveness. Lord, I submit to Your will. Please show me Your will.
Lord, I also pray for health and healing of my loved ones. I pray for Becky and little Benjamin. I pray for my parents and my children. I pray for their physical and mental wholeness and happiness. Lord, I pray for my friends. I pray that they know You and walk in close communion with You. Lord, You know all the prayers of my heart, even those I cannot put voice to. Please Lord, grant me these petitions.
Prayer during fasting
Dear Lord,
Draw me closer to You, my Lord. Cleanse my mind, body and spirit as I seek Your will for my life. Show me the path You have laid out ahead of me and guide my steps as I walk that path. Give me the strength to step out in faith, to overcome my grief and my fears. Break the bonds my fears have over me and my life. Show me how to live the full and abundant life that You have prescribed for me. My Lord, if You have decided that I shall spend the rest of my life as a single person let me be a single person doing Your will. I beg of You, please, please, please heal my pain, my hurts, my heart, body and soul. I submit them to You, O God, they are Yours, wholly Yours. Guide my steps as I embark on these changes in my life. Show me the ways You would have me take. Let me be a witness to everyone I come in contact with. Let Your light shine forth through me.
Lord, please also forgive me for all my sins. I have sinned mightily against You, my Lord. In addition to my struggles with lust and my sexual thoughts and desires for the man I love I have also been arrogant and prideful. I have not been completely honest with those I love and even myself. I have not been a good steward of the resources You blessed me with. I have not kept You first place in my life, often replacing You with other people or things. I have ignored opportunities where I could be spreading Your truth and love in order to pursue my own selfish gain. I have even not paid the proper attention to the loved ones You placed in my life. Please, Lord, I know I am not worthy of Your forgiveness but if you choose You can restore my life and show me the way to correct those sins and errors of my life. Show the path You would have me walk in repentance and love.
O Lord, please also bless my friend, heal his hurts and pains, calm his fears and soothe his body and soul. Please give him peace and rest and healing. I know You are showering him with Your love and grace and mercy, just as You shower me with the same. He is Your child, too. I know You want to bless him as much as You want to bless all of Your children. Lord, whether brokenness or restoration, I submit our relationship to Your will. I know You have what is best for the two of us in Your mind and in Your plans. Your will be done, Lord.
Lord, I am ever grateful for Your gifts to me. Your son's sacrifice of His life on the cross is evidence of your unfailing love for me and all your children. I pray that my life will reflect You.
Draw me closer to You, my Lord. Cleanse my mind, body and spirit as I seek Your will for my life. Show me the path You have laid out ahead of me and guide my steps as I walk that path. Give me the strength to step out in faith, to overcome my grief and my fears. Break the bonds my fears have over me and my life. Show me how to live the full and abundant life that You have prescribed for me. My Lord, if You have decided that I shall spend the rest of my life as a single person let me be a single person doing Your will. I beg of You, please, please, please heal my pain, my hurts, my heart, body and soul. I submit them to You, O God, they are Yours, wholly Yours. Guide my steps as I embark on these changes in my life. Show me the ways You would have me take. Let me be a witness to everyone I come in contact with. Let Your light shine forth through me.
Lord, please also forgive me for all my sins. I have sinned mightily against You, my Lord. In addition to my struggles with lust and my sexual thoughts and desires for the man I love I have also been arrogant and prideful. I have not been completely honest with those I love and even myself. I have not been a good steward of the resources You blessed me with. I have not kept You first place in my life, often replacing You with other people or things. I have ignored opportunities where I could be spreading Your truth and love in order to pursue my own selfish gain. I have even not paid the proper attention to the loved ones You placed in my life. Please, Lord, I know I am not worthy of Your forgiveness but if you choose You can restore my life and show me the way to correct those sins and errors of my life. Show the path You would have me walk in repentance and love.
O Lord, please also bless my friend, heal his hurts and pains, calm his fears and soothe his body and soul. Please give him peace and rest and healing. I know You are showering him with Your love and grace and mercy, just as You shower me with the same. He is Your child, too. I know You want to bless him as much as You want to bless all of Your children. Lord, whether brokenness or restoration, I submit our relationship to Your will. I know You have what is best for the two of us in Your mind and in Your plans. Your will be done, Lord.
Lord, I am ever grateful for Your gifts to me. Your son's sacrifice of His life on the cross is evidence of your unfailing love for me and all your children. I pray that my life will reflect You.
God is in Control
There's nothing that can distract a person from their misery quite as well as a worship event. I arrived at Lakeside last night a few minutes before 4 and was totally immersed in worshipping Jesus for the next 6 hours. Being together with my brothers and sisters in Christ is an experienced unequaled anywhere else. I sang, I danced, I yelled and screamed and jumped up and down with several hundred of my closest friends. There was a one hour break where I was able to rest and put my feet up but by the time the evening was over I could barely walk, least of all talk.
Gabriel and crew performed all my favorite songs, including Dress Us Up, Skeleton Bones, Love Came Down, the Old Rugged Cross and that other one at the end whose name escapes me right now. And by the crowds' reactions, they're not just my favorite songs either. I'm going to have to get myself a copy of the CD/DVD package.
This was all after an afternoon of hunting for a new home. I finally found one in the Loomis/Penryn area. It's in a huge house set on several heavily wooded acres. The room I am renting is larger than the living room in my current apartment. The bathroom is HUGE! One wall is all sinks and mirrors and 2 walls of closets. There is a deck off the sliding glass doors and the view includes 2 ponds and a swimming pool. I won't know what to do with myself in all that room. In Mexico a room that size would house at least 8 people.
Gabriel and crew performed all my favorite songs, including Dress Us Up, Skeleton Bones, Love Came Down, the Old Rugged Cross and that other one at the end whose name escapes me right now. And by the crowds' reactions, they're not just my favorite songs either. I'm going to have to get myself a copy of the CD/DVD package.
This was all after an afternoon of hunting for a new home. I finally found one in the Loomis/Penryn area. It's in a huge house set on several heavily wooded acres. The room I am renting is larger than the living room in my current apartment. The bathroom is HUGE! One wall is all sinks and mirrors and 2 walls of closets. There is a deck off the sliding glass doors and the view includes 2 ponds and a swimming pool. I won't know what to do with myself in all that room. In Mexico a room that size would house at least 8 people.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Benjamin
Dear Lord,
Please bless Benjamin Trung Duc Dang. This life is so hard and it is even harder when you are born 7 weeks early. Bless his parents with the strength and grace that will be necessary to raise this child. I know his parents love you and will bring little Benjamin up knowing you and loving you. Thank you for bringing Benjamin and Becky through his birth quickly, easily, happy and healthy. May Benjamin be a blessing to his family.
I ask all this in Jesus' precious and holy name.
Amen
Please bless Benjamin Trung Duc Dang. This life is so hard and it is even harder when you are born 7 weeks early. Bless his parents with the strength and grace that will be necessary to raise this child. I know his parents love you and will bring little Benjamin up knowing you and loving you. Thank you for bringing Benjamin and Becky through his birth quickly, easily, happy and healthy. May Benjamin be a blessing to his family.
I ask all this in Jesus' precious and holy name.
Amen
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Confirmation
Other stuff going on in my life. I'm feeling disconnected from Lakeside Church, not from God, just Lakeside. There are things going on there that I am still excited about but those will mostly be over by tomorrow evening. I will probably still attend Lakeside till my move is complete but then will try and find a church closer to my new home. I think the emotional disconnect started when I thought I was going to have a permanent relationship and I would be shifting to his church. I've heard of a good church in Auburn, maybe I will attend there. Lakeside, no matter how good the teaching and fellowship is getting too big. It's getting to be all about the music and showmanship and although it's not a bad thing, I want to focus more on God. I may still remain connected to Lakeside on a limited basis in order to stay in touch with missions but once I move away from here that will probably be the extent of my connection.
In preparing for the move I've been doing further cleaning in my room. I threw away and/or gave away a lot of the stuff that was sitting in boxes in my room. I have a lot of floor space this evening but that will be only temporary. Tomorrow I will be setting up my bike on the trainer In my room. I still can't carry it down the stairs to ride it yet and I want to get back on it again. I did all that in between my usual Saturday activities. I donated platelets this morning and this afternoon drove Marion and Sandra down to our friend Jeannene's bon voyage party. Jeannene and her family are moving to Texas at the end of the month.
Lord, please use this experience to help me grow more in love with you. I ask this in your son's name, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ because I know His sacrifice on the cross was for me. Thank you Lord, you are good.
In preparing for the move I've been doing further cleaning in my room. I threw away and/or gave away a lot of the stuff that was sitting in boxes in my room. I have a lot of floor space this evening but that will be only temporary. Tomorrow I will be setting up my bike on the trainer In my room. I still can't carry it down the stairs to ride it yet and I want to get back on it again. I did all that in between my usual Saturday activities. I donated platelets this morning and this afternoon drove Marion and Sandra down to our friend Jeannene's bon voyage party. Jeannene and her family are moving to Texas at the end of the month.
Lord, please use this experience to help me grow more in love with you. I ask this in your son's name, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ because I know His sacrifice on the cross was for me. Thank you Lord, you are good.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Fasting
I've been reading a lot about fasting lately. Fasting for detoxing the body and fasting for a spiritual breakthrough. It seems to me that the diets are similar. I've been planning on fasting for spiritual reasons lately, the detox and weight loss benefits only seem to add to the reasons for doing it. I did sort of an informal fast today, not for the whole day but I drank plenty of liquids all day and did not eat at all until dinner this evening at which time I ate 3 small slices of pizza. I probably would not have eaten then but I was out with my daughter and she wanted dinner.
Not eating was not as difficult as I thought it would be. I am going to eat tomorrow because I have a blood donation appointment Saturday morning and then I will eat after my appointment on Saturday afternoon but starting Sunday I am considering starting a longer fast.
I also have a party to attend on Saturday afternoon. I'm driving two, maybe three friends down to Lockeford and we will be visiting with some friends who are on the brink of moving to Texas. I am going to miss Jeannene. She has a huge heart for the Lord and is an awesome prayer warrior. I met her through my friend Cherie at our Beautiful Believers Breakfast Club.
I will be journaling my thoughts on fasting here as I go through this process. God seems to be stripping away everything in my life that is coming between Him and me. I need to sit up and pay attention. I need to draw closer to Him. I look forward to this journey.
Not eating was not as difficult as I thought it would be. I am going to eat tomorrow because I have a blood donation appointment Saturday morning and then I will eat after my appointment on Saturday afternoon but starting Sunday I am considering starting a longer fast.
I also have a party to attend on Saturday afternoon. I'm driving two, maybe three friends down to Lockeford and we will be visiting with some friends who are on the brink of moving to Texas. I am going to miss Jeannene. She has a huge heart for the Lord and is an awesome prayer warrior. I met her through my friend Cherie at our Beautiful Believers Breakfast Club.
I will be journaling my thoughts on fasting here as I go through this process. God seems to be stripping away everything in my life that is coming between Him and me. I need to sit up and pay attention. I need to draw closer to Him. I look forward to this journey.
Monday, October 4, 2010
It Is Well With My Soul
You know, I love how the Lord works. He knew I would need this song today. On Saturday evening in church we played this song and told the story behind it. The lyrics are a comfort to me today. No matter what happens in my current situation, it is well with my soul.
It Is Well With My Soul
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
Horatio Spafford
It Is Well With My Soul
When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
Horatio Spafford
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Love Completely
I am in love. Whoops! Wait a minute here, hold on just a moment. It's not what you think. I am in love with God. I love Jesus deeply and unconditionally. I love the Holy Spirit, too. I mean, how can I not be? God has taught me more about love in the past several years, months and even weeks than I ever even knew existed, let alone that I even dreamed I could be capable of. And yet, I still know nothing.
I do know that loving God means obedience. And I do know that sometimes that obedience is very, very difficult. I also know that obedience to God brings great joy and great pain. Both the joy and the pain can be blessings. The pain especially because I know that I am growing through the pain.
Right now, this evening, I am hurting. I don't like hurting but I hold fast to what James 1:2-4 says. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you encounter trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be pure and complete, not lacking anything." I've always considered this my life verse, and it is the first verse I can remember memorizing. Coincidently, it is also one of the verses Pastor Jim taught about this evening. That means there is a lesson for me in there somewhere right now. I need to listen. I need to sit back and wait and listen for God's direction.
"There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning."
I do know that loving God means obedience. And I do know that sometimes that obedience is very, very difficult. I also know that obedience to God brings great joy and great pain. Both the joy and the pain can be blessings. The pain especially because I know that I am growing through the pain.
Right now, this evening, I am hurting. I don't like hurting but I hold fast to what James 1:2-4 says. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you encounter trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be pure and complete, not lacking anything." I've always considered this my life verse, and it is the first verse I can remember memorizing. Coincidently, it is also one of the verses Pastor Jim taught about this evening. That means there is a lesson for me in there somewhere right now. I need to listen. I need to sit back and wait and listen for God's direction.
"There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning."
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