Healing

I've spent most of the last three days blogging on a seperate blog about my past.  I wanted to examine my "family of origin" and determine why I make such bad choices in my life.  I wrote about my childhood all the way through my latest relationship with Wayne.  One thing I learned from what I wrote and from what I left out is that my family is very toxic to me, extremely toxic!  I grew up being verbally and emotionally abused.  I was beaten and ridiculed.  Even today my mother and my children treat me with disrespect and they put me down at every opportunity they can.  I am not sure my mother realizes she treats me that way but I know my children do.  My mother treats me the way she was treated as she was growing up.  I don't think I treated my children that way but I do think they learned to treat me the way they saw others treat me.  Moving out of my son's apartment will be the best thing I have ever done for myself.  I need to learn to value myself before I kill myself.   

In addition, almost every relationship that I have ever had in my life has been toxic.  So much so that I do not know how to behave when I get into a healthy relationship.  I guess I am to remain single for the rest of my life, I don't do healthy relationships and I don't want another toxic one.