confusion

It fascinates me how I can be so sad and broken-hearted over the loss of a relationship and yet so full of the joy of the Lord at the same time. 
As I greeted friends and fellow worshippers at church last night I was serving the Lord.  I know He wants my life to be joyous and I can feel His joy inside me.  As I sang and worshipped and lifted my hands to Him I could feel His peace and joy bubbling up inside of me, alongside of the pain and loneliness that has taken deep root inside my heart. 

As I drove home from Stockton the past 2 days I was so exhausted I almost fell asleep behind the wheel (multiple times).  I thought that if I crashed and died I would be going home to Jesus and there would be no more pain.  But a crash would not be a guarantee of death and Jesus obviously isn't finished with me yet.  My Lakeside friends are the only ones who act as if they love me and care for me and I was willing to give them all up for a man.  I must be crazy and/or pathetic or very deeply in love.  I give up, Lord, this is all too much for me.