Yesterday I wrote a letter to Wayne and mailed it. The letter apologized for my bad behavior while we were seeing each other and for not respecting him enough and being too controlling when we were together. It also apologized for not sharing things with him that I think he had a right to know. I told him what steps I am taking to correct my behavior and asked him if we could be friends again. Because that's what I miss most of all is his friendship. I do have a history of being friends with ex-boyfriends so I didn't think I was too out of line. Anyway, I mailed the letter to his PO Box so if I get a response it may take a month or more. He once told me he only checks his box about once a month. I did tell him in the letter I would be happy with one 15 minute phone call per week. Well, maybe not happy but satisfied. And I meant every word, still do. Then I went home last night and sobbed my heart out.
I got up this morning and put on a dress. It is a short dress, with a V-neck that shows my cleavage, one I was planning on wearing for Wayne the next time I saw him, he used to like looking at my cleavage. It's not too short to wear to work as it hits a couple of inches above my knees, but I do have to watch how I sit when I'm wearing it. Anyway, all that aside, I also put on a little make up and styled my freshly cut hair. I put on a pair of cute little sandals and ran out to my car since I was running late to work. But I didn't run so fast that I missed noticing I attracted a little male attention.
I got to work and, as usual for the last couple of weeks, was struggling with the grief and sadness. One reason for putting on make up was so that I would not succumb to tears today. That was early this morning. A little later today I noticed a little more male attention around the office. And even more as I wandered the aisles at Safeway for lunch. And as I got back to the office after lunch I noticed that, for right now at least, I was not overwhelmingly sad anymore. I have no desire to cry. Now, that may change again in the next 10 minutes but for right now that's a good thing. I believe it means I'm beginning to fall a little bit out of love with him. That doesn't mean I don't still love him, because I do. It means I am not in love with him, or at least on the way to not being in love with him. I am not infatuated with him, I am not obsessed with him, I simply love him. I believe this is a good thing.
What happens if he gets my letter and decides he wants to try and be friends? That's a good thing, I still miss him and would like to be friends with him. Does that preclude any romantic relationship in the future? Eh, maybe, maybe not. I am still very much sexually attracted to him (why I cannot fathom) and would still very much like to explore that (maybe because he's undiscovered territory). No, I don't want sex with him, I want to make love with him. Personally, I think relationships are best when built on a firm foundation of friendship, but then again, I've never had a romantic relationship last longer than 4 years. Meanwhile, if I attract the attention of another man I wouldn't turn down a date. I'm just not sure I want another romantic relationship right now, if ever.
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